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to get annoyed about moms age comments (ranting)

(70 Posts)
LoveMyLittleSuperhero Sun 05-Feb-17 17:43:53

My mom was 34 when she had me, lots of people even now make nasty comments about how it was too old.
Yesterday on here I saw a comment, obviously well meaning, about how people who have their kids "young" (specifically said at 25) only do so because they want unconditional love after difficult childhoods/ family relationships.
This really upset me and got me thinking. My first born could have lived, had the hospital not labelled me as a "young mom" at one point during my pregnancy, as I sat sobbing telling them something was wrong, (reduced movements 6 times without investigation) a nurse patted my hand and Said "you're a young first time mom, you'll worry more its normal". When she was born something was wrong, but by this time it was too late to help and she eventually passed. If they had investigated then she could have been born prem and stood a chance. (the coroners report said this I'm not assuming)
My local weight clinic is at a mother and baby group and the moms their are almost all older than me, I've had more than one comment that I should have waited a few years to start my family. I've not told these women I had one years ago. I never know what to say in these situations, I wouldn't dare comment on their age! Surely its an adults choice when they have children?
My mom had all these comments in reverse when she had me!
I was 19. I'm now 25 and just had my second. Hospital were lovely but I've had so many comments along the lines of "but you are so young to have had two... Don't you think 25 is young for this day and age..." Etc.
I was working when I had dd1, and had my own flat, sure it was a council rent but I worked to pay my rent. I'm working now and living with dp who also works in our own rented place. Not that I think this should make much of a difference hmm
Why do people think a mothers age age gives them the right to judge what type of parent they will be? Does anyone else get annoyed by comments like this or aibu? If I'm not anyone any ideas how I can reply without telling them to keep their judgements to themselves and fuck off?

BewtySkoolDropowt Sun 05-Feb-17 17:55:34

25 is a great age to have children!

I had my first at 24, my second at 26. Now they are adults, we all enjoy each other's company but I have freedom to do what I want when I want and am going enough to travel the world if I so please!

Ignore ignore ignore! Maybe say something like 'oh but I want to be young enough to really enjoy and be active with my grandchildren, should I be lucky enough'.

Iamastonished Sun 05-Feb-17 18:02:07

It isn't fair is it. Health professionals, especially, shouldn't be passing judgemental comments about your age.

Although, statistically speaking, as the average age for being a first time mum in the UK is now 30.2, technically you are a young mother.

Astro55 Sun 05-Feb-17 18:05:53

I really don't think it a judgement about parenting - more the giving up your freedom early -

At 19 you could be young free - traveling - university - starting a career - falling in love over and over - lots of things you could be doing

It's not that a young parent is wrong, but giving up so much is wrong.

But now having had mine later - I realize that I'm more tired less energy - working raising kids shopping etc and maybe I would have coped better younger - had I been 19 they would be grown up with their own family now instead of teens.

It's a tough choice. But what what you choice will be right for you - so I'd agree Ignore

At 19 you could be young free - traveling - university - starting a career - falling in love over and over - lots of things you could be doing

hmm you're aware you can do all of this and have a baby?

I mean, maybe not the falling in love over and over, but that also involves breaking up over and over so I don't think people are losing out if they don't experience that grin

EmeraldScorn Sun 05-Feb-17 18:10:59

It's the same with certain illnesses, people's symptoms being dismissed by doctors because they are "too young" to have whatever ailment and often the doctors are found to have been wrong!

My mum was 35 when she had me; My sisters were first time mothers at 19, 20, 26, 32, 34.... Their age has played no factor in how they have parented - They are all good mothers, my own mum included.

Just be blunt, tell people to mind their own business in future if their remarks annoy you and don't get too caught up in anyone's opinions, all that matters is what you think feel.

teaforbreakfast Sun 05-Feb-17 18:11:25

Mumsnet is a bit weird about young parents. It isn't the done thing to not go to university, be a wild child with drink, the milder end of illicit drugs, festivals, travel and boyfriends. Then be a career gal in London. Then marry, have children and spend the next decade complaining about it.

Anyway, I think if I had my time over I'd be a young mum.

pocketsaviour Sun 05-Feb-17 18:11:48

I've had more than one comment that I should have waited a few years to start my family

Pretty sure I'd be replying "Why don't you mind your own fucking business?"

I was 22 when my son was born. Nobody's ever dared imply I was too young. Clearly I have the scary death stare grin

tea has it spot on grin how dare you be at home enjoying family life with a child, you should be snorting coke off some random guy's buttcheeks in a seedy club in Thailand.

doubledecker1986 Sun 05-Feb-17 18:17:08

I had my first at 22 and second at 26, got married in between the two.

Very happy with my choice. Before 30 my family was complete, baby years and night feeds done and dusted. Time now to enjoy life as a family of 4, we can go on holidays, days out, the kids don't stop us they come along.

I can focus on my career and get my social life back to a degree, have a decent nights sleep again.

Anybody who has commented on my age has gotten short shrift. No business of anybody else's. They were planned, very much wanted and brought into a loving family.

I won't be pissing about doing the school run and struggling on little sleep well into my 40s like most of the people who make these remarks will be grin

teaforbreakfast Sun 05-Feb-17 18:17:29

There was a thread once about 'what would your child have to do to REALLY disappoint you'

A few pages of 'be a murderer/rapist/defraud old ladies.'

After that, I swear the top three in no particular order were 'be a tory' 'be a teenage mum' 'join the army.'

confused

Birdsgottaf1y Sun 05-Feb-17 18:17:41

""At 19 you could be young free - traveling - university - starting a career - falling in love over and over - lots of things you could be doing""

I know it's been picked up on, but not everyone decides what they want to do (so can choose a BA), besides the many that don't go to University.

As said, you have to break up to fall in love again, but again not everyone is the "fall in love with everyone they date" type.

I had mine early and I couldn't have got my traveling done, I wouldn't have wanted to go to the places that interest me now and appreciate them the same.

My youngest is 19, I'm 48, so I've got years of travel, as a bit more wiser/thoughtful/compassionate Adult.

My DD (and her DP) have decided to have their second DC (possibly last), at the age of 21. She's qualified to HNC/Level 3, but doesn't know what she eventually wants to do (something in Paediatrics).

You shouldn't make personal comments, bourne out of assumptions, full stop.

piginboots Sun 05-Feb-17 18:19:27

You can't win. I'm 34. No DC yet and I'm sure plenty of people look at me and think "she should really be getting on with it". They don't know my situation, and the neysayers don't know yours either.

I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry you weren't listened to flowers

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Sun 05-Feb-17 18:20:28

BewtySkool I'm going to try that next time! I hadn't thought of that angle on things myself.
Im not sure I worded this well, I do understand I'm a young mum, and I don't mind being called one, I just hate the judgement over being such if that makes any sense?
I never wanted to go to university, I had a job I loved and would frankly love to still be doing today, I'm not a huge fan of travelling abroad due to some personal health issues that make flying near impossible and hot countries a nightmare but I do take regular trips to Ireland, Scotland and Cornwall which I love!
I think my issue is that surely part of having my freedom is making my choice over whether or not I want my family young or when I'm older without judgement? Plus I was living alone anyway so I was cooking, cleaning, shopping for myself.

sotiredbutworthit Sun 05-Feb-17 18:20:41

We were struggling to conceive our first son and a woman I knew turned round to me and said "biological clock is ticking, tick tock!" I had just turned 30. She had her first at 14. I'm not ashamed to say I went and had a cry. I know women who have had babies in their 40's and some who were in their teens. They are all fantastic mums. Age is but a number.

AQuietMind Sun 05-Feb-17 18:21:38

At 19 you could be young free - traveling - university - starting a career - falling in love over and over - lots of things you could be doing

At 19 I had a 4 year old, I have no regrets hmm

teaforbreakfast Sun 05-Feb-17 18:24:27

19 was shit for me. I was at university, in fact, but since my accommodation was term time only and I wasn't welcome at 'home' due to my stepmother (and I don't just mean giving me a dirty look, I mean actually saying 'you should not come home!') I had to do shitty work up and down the country in horrible digs.

It wasn't fun to be honest and it wasn't very, very lonely.

Then I look at the girls I went to school with who at 19 were married with babies. And I think - who was happier?

Wasn't me smile

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Sun 05-Feb-17 18:27:43

tea yes! This! Only I fear it's a popular opinion outside of mumsnet aswell

pig thankyou. I think you've hit the nail on the head. So many people mention to my parents about their age when having me and my brother then mention to me about my age, I guess people just love to judge!

LoveMyLittleSuperhero Sun 05-Feb-17 18:29:56

flowers tea

DelphineCormier Sun 05-Feb-17 18:32:31

I was close to 50, single and didn't realise I was pregnant until late with DD. You don't want to know some of the comments I had at the time hmm

So sorry for your loss flowers

Keepingupwiththejonesys Sun 05-Feb-17 18:37:03

I'm 'only' 25 and 40+2 with my third...also have a stepson. I had my first at 21 (pregnant at 20) , second at 23 and third is dues any day. We planned our children this way and I love it. I don't feel I needed years and years of 'having fun' I had a couple of years doing the clubbing thing and while I enjoyed it I don't now feel I'm missing out not doing it, really wouldn't want to now. People who comment saying 'you could be out there having fun' well, surprise, surprise I actually am having fun. I have an amazing husband and children and I absolutely love our day to day lifestyle. We have so much fun and there's never a dull moment. Just coz you have kids doesn't mean the fun stops, quite the opposite! If me and dh decide we want to do other things in the future we will have plenty of time to do that when our kids are older, no probs!

trinketsofgold Sun 05-Feb-17 18:37:40

I've never had a comment on my age, I was 21 when I had my DS and 23 when I had DD.

Beeziekn33ze Sun 05-Feb-17 18:41:19

Friend in her mid-30s became a proud GM today. Everyone well and happy. Good for baby to have an active GM! She knows what it's like to be a young DM and will give her DD loads of support.

Namesarehard Sun 05-Feb-17 18:44:51

I had my first at 18, second at 20 and third at 31. I've had the "too young" comments plus "older mother". In fact my midwife on my last baby said I was higher risk as I'm an older mother. 31 is not old.
As for the way some hospital staff speak to people regarding age, you're an expectant mother whether you're 14 or 44. Everyone deserves the same level of respect and professionalism. I refused to see a certain consultant with my 3rd after the way she spoke to me with my 1st.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER Sun 05-Feb-17 18:44:53

When I had my first in the late 70s, my notes had me down as an 'elderly primigravida'.
I was 28!!

Please ignore all these daft comments. They are honestly not worth a single moment's angst.

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