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To feel this way about my divorce?

(10 Posts)
SharkiraSharkira Sat 04-Feb-17 23:20:49

Recently had my decree absolute through and my divorce from exH finalised.

I've been 'outwardly' jumping for joy, and so happy to be finally free of him as it has been a few years in the making - I am genuinely relieved that it is all over.

But deep down, I am really sad. I haven't admitted this to anyone as I'm afraid it will make me look pathetic or like I still love him/want him back which is absolutely 1000000% not the case at all.

I never wanted or expected to be a divorcee. I never wanted this life for my DCs. I had a completely different future imagined, one that will never happen now. I wanted the lifelong marriage my parents had and I tried so hard, over and over for years and years to make it happen and I couldn't and I feel like the divorce being finished now is like the final once-and-for-all-sign of my failure.

I'm so glad I left him. I should have done it years ago, I wasted so much of my precious time on that abusive arsehole. I should be happy, but I'm not and I can't really figure out why. I ended the relationship, I filed for divorce, I've finally got what I wanted so why don't I feel better about it? Its like all the pain I felt in the months immediately after our break up has come rushing back to the surface all of a sudden. I want so badly to cry and I just don't know why. I feel like my heart has broken all over again.

Aibu to feel like this? Do I just badly need to open up a can of woman up and stop wasting time thinking about it? How can I stop thinking about it?

Lalunya85 Sat 04-Feb-17 23:31:31

Didn't want to read and run. I haven't been through what you are going through so can't offer much advise.

But it sounds very natural and healthy to me that another (final perhaps?) flood of emotions is coming at you. There is something so final and labelling about a piece of document, which can make things very real, even if we thought we had accepted them for a long time before that.

Allow yourself the sadness as well as the happiness. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Eventually, I'm sure that your joy and sense of freedom will triumph over the sense of loss.

Good luck and congratulations flowers

Pleasedonteatchalk Sat 04-Feb-17 23:37:22

You are mourning the life you thought you would have. You are mourning the possibility of a life long marriage that you had wanted. You are probably feeling like a failure - after all the saying is simply a 'failed marriage' even thought the circumstances of each divorce are complex and unique to the individuals involved. The saying doesn't recognise that sometimes 'successful' marriages can be deeply unhappy and sometimes 'failed' ones lead to the best outcome for all.

Allow yourself to feel sad for what could have been, what you won't have now. It will pass and you will begin to feel hope and happiness at the new future which will be bigger and brighter than it ever could have, had you stayed in your marriage.

And congratulations grin

Wriggler79 Sat 04-Feb-17 23:37:56

You have every right to grieve for the relarionship/life you wanted and planned for, but which didn't happen. It sounds like you tried really hard to make things work, and you're sad that your efforts weren't enough, despite this not being your fault.flowers

pieceofpurplesky Sat 04-Feb-17 23:45:07

Shakira my divorce was in court on Friday and I feel exactly the same. I would never want him back after all the hurt he caused yet I felt a little bit of me died again on Friday.

justilou Sat 04-Feb-17 23:46:11

Oh darling, you're having a hard time seeing that your feelings about divorce as a whole are different from your feelings about your ex. It's logical to feel polarized at these times, I expect. I'm sorry that your ex didn't have it in him to be a decent, loving husband. I imagine that being free of him must be wonderful - but you're also entitled to feel disappointed that you were in a marriage that didn't work. Good luck for your happily ever after future - whatever it may bring. X

Willyoujustbequiet Sat 04-Feb-17 23:48:27

Im in exactly the same boat. A happy marriage of 23 years which spectacularly imploded into domestic violence towards the end and his complete abandonment of our dc.

I hate him for all the pain he's caused us but I yearn for the past. Often I wish he was dead. I dont want to be a single mum. I dont want my children to be so scarred. I dont want to be barely getting by while he parties hard.

Its like a bereavement. I mourn for the man he used to be/I thought he was. I'm embarrassed and disgusted by his behaviour. But most of all I feel betrayed...despite no infidelity.

He failed. Not me. Yet I am forced to live with it.

Yanbu. Its a complex thing. With many many layers. Go easy on youself.

PandoraMole Sat 04-Feb-17 23:53:23

I wasted so much of my precious time on that abusive arsehole.

So the breakdown of your marriage was due to his failure then, if you have to put it in those term.

You have successfully found the strength to leave that situation, to start a new life, to support your children through it all.

There is no shame and nothing weird in feeling sad about what has happened. I'm not as far along the road as you but also left my STBXH (last summer) due to EA and am waiting for my nisi at the moment.

I found it easier than I expected initially, but the last few weeks have been hellish. I've felt every emotion going - sadness, anger (lots of that!), guilt, resentment... you name it.

It's a process and every feeling you experience will help you to heal and eventually move on flowers

PickAChew Sat 04-Feb-17 23:58:25

The emotional surge is not abnormal. It's hard to predict how you would react.

My only regret was that I put up with his shit for far too long. After several years of cold and emotionless, I let it all out ugly style within days of leaving him, though. Falling apart hapened to be on TV and absolutely crumpled me because I could have written the script, and hand't realised it, even at the moment i left
www.imdb.com/title/tt0340105/

enfru Sun 05-Feb-17 00:08:45

You're grieving for the future you had planned, totally allowed and totally reasonable- give yourself a break, the sadness will pass

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