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AIBU?

To ask if any of you stayed together for the sake of the children

82 replies

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 04/02/2017 20:03

Just that really and how do you feel now? Did it work out? Was it worth it?

OP posts:

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pipsqueak25 · 04/02/2017 20:08

haven't and never would, two marriages went down the swanny i left because of the dc and didn't want them witnessing the indifference with one and rows /violence with the other. it's better for dc to be with a steady home life rather than walking on egg shells all the time and parents that dislike /hate each other.

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LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 04/02/2017 20:13

I did. For years. I put up with all sorts of physical financial and emotional abuse to give the DC what I perceived to be the "best life". Finally cracked and left last year and even though me and my kids Have been homeless as a result it's the best thing I could have ever done for me and them. And probably my ex. Although I give zero fucks about how he feels about it and he gives about same amount about us.

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MillionToOneChances · 04/02/2017 20:27

Don't. Honestly. The people I know who are the most fucked up about relationships had parents who stayed together allegedly for their sake. Worst thing they could have done.

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ahfuckit · 04/02/2017 20:33

I am with my partner for the sake if my child, but our relationship is mostly cordial and if I left I would be homeless and bankrupt. We respect each other and both do our best, but there us no sex and no real intimacy.

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ahfuckit · 04/02/2017 20:34

*of not if

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WeddingsAreStressful · 04/02/2017 20:50

I know someone whose parents did stay together for the kids. He turned out to be a really nice guy but barely speaks to his parents. He hates being in the middle of it, he hates seeing how unhappy his mother is (she pretends but kids always know). So he turned out ok but his mother didn't gain much out of it - now stuck with a twat of a husband and no relationship with her child and grandchildren.

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RedGrapeCornSnake · 04/02/2017 20:52

My parents did
They split about 3 years ago
No one was surprised in the least, except maybe my mum. I guess she thought they'd keep on keeping on.
I'm bloody glad they're apart now and wish they'd done it years ago. Although dealing with their new partners is easier as an adult I'd guess

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Ilovecaindingle · 04/02/2017 20:56

Recent report online says dc more damaged when they realise your marriage is a sham and their whole childhood was a lie. Issues with trust apparently. Also goes on to say 50/50 isn't the best course of action either. That dc flourish more with one 'base' home and regular contact with the other parent. No preference to which parent has base either.

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WhooooAmI24601 · 04/02/2017 21:00

My parents adopted me and from the day I moved in with them their relationship wasn't great. They remained together til I turned 18 (announcing their separation on my 18th birthday, which seemed slightly batshit at the time) and the whole family breathed a sigh of relief that they'd finally admitted it; listening to their whispered fights, watching their indifference, being part of their non-relationship was awful. As a child I didn't know any better (and was so desperate for a family I'd have been grateful to be parented by Pol Pot) but now I'm an adult with my own DC, I'm determined only the happiest, healthiest relationships are worth staying in.

There are always going to be down days and tough times, but if you're staying for the DCs you're doing yourself and them out of so much potential happiness.

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Coldilox · 04/02/2017 21:04

My parents stayed together for the sake of me and my sister. Separated, then got back together for our sakes. And repeat. Final separation when I was 13. Such a relief. Was awful when they were together, everyone was so unhappy.

So no, I never would.

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arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2017 21:11

I think there's varying levels of 'staying together for the children'.
If you absolutely hate each other, you're probably not doing the children any favours.
But, I guess there's lots of people who probably wouldn't be together if they'd never had children together; but they have and they get on well enough, so they stay together.

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Charley50 · 04/02/2017 21:15

My mum and dad stayed together obstentially for the same of the kids. Actually I think my mum was scared to leave him. It didn't work out well for anyone. I have many issues as an adult, as does my surviving sibling.
Maybe if the parents get on well and there's no abuse it's ok to stay together for the kids?

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mikado1 · 04/02/2017 22:00

Isn't it strange, while I absolutely agree with the sentiment as per pp that you shouldn't stay, two of the most confident people I know, both with extremely happy marriages, grew up in a home with a lot of fights/silent treatment. They were waiting for an announcement that never came. And while they hated all that, they are now very happy and are very close as a family (both parents attend all events together etc).

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VirgilsStaff · 04/02/2017 22:03

Did it work out? Was it worth it?

My parents stayed together my mother was a born martyr

So:

No and No, from a child's perspective.

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RNBrie · 04/02/2017 22:21

I am pretty sure mine did. Although they moved away from the city where dad worked so for 10 years he was only at home at weekends as he commuted back to the city for work.

They broke up shortly after my youngest sibling left home. Lasted three weeks apart and got back together and are now really happy.

As their children we are sad for the wasted years, we all knew they hated each other for a long time. The atmosphere was so frosty. But really pleased that they are making a go of it now - they've been back together for about 6 years. I think it took the split for them to assess what they wanted and what the pros and cons of the relationship were. My dad participates a lot more in my mums life and she has learned how to apologise when she's been a twat.

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Fixatif · 04/02/2017 22:28

My parents did.

Word of warning, OP - even though my father was the worse behaved, I have more time for him than for my mother. Martyrdom is never a good look. She wants pity - my brother and I just feel contempt.

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NerrSnerr · 04/02/2017 22:34

Mine did, they ended up having a really messy divorce not long after I (the youngest) left home. There was always an atmosphere growing up and it was obvious that they didn't get on. I wish they separated much sooner.

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HarryPottersMagicWand · 04/02/2017 22:36

Interested in this. I often wonder if DH and I would still be together now if it wasn't for the DCs but we don't hate each other and aren't horrible to each other. DH isn't a twat or abusive, we don't argue. DH would probably not think anything was even wrong. It's not quite what I imagined though but it's complicated.

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Jojay · 04/02/2017 22:44

My parents did, kind of. When I was 27 my mum met someone else and left. Although it was tough at the time, my brother and a I are relatively unaffected. We have happy memories of our childhood, though in hindsight the signs were there that not all was rosy, and we've both gone on to form good relationships and marriages.

Mum remarried a divorced man whose wife left him when his daughters were 10 and 12ish. One daughter seems fine but the other has recurring mental health and self esteem issues which she says at the root of which is her parents divorce. Make of that what you will.

Each circumstance is different though. There are no guarantees whichever way you go.

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Flash13 · 04/02/2017 23:02

I stayed with my then boyfriend for the sake of our DS. I firmly believe that had we not fallen pregnant so early on in our relationship we would not be together still. But I fell in love with him more and more as we bonded with our child and each other. We are now happily married with 2DS (although there were a few hiccups along the way).

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TaliDiNozzo · 04/02/2017 23:54

I have a friend who has stayed in his marriage for the sake of his DCs. I don't know whether his wife is aware of it or not. The marriage is not in good shape. He has had an affair in the past and she (understandably) doesn't trust him and keeps tabs on him all the time. He wants out, regards getting married at all as a mistake, but won't be a weekend dad.

Honestly I think they're going to end up making each other so miserable and I doubt the kids will thank them for it.

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ferriswheel · 04/02/2017 23:55

I am getting divorced and I have three young children. To stay and sacrifice my soul would not help my children.

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ShoutOutToMyEx · 04/02/2017 23:57

his mother didn't gain much out of it - now stuck with a twat of a husband and no relationship with her child and grandchildren.

That is so desperately sad.

OP, we only get one go at life. Don't do it. You can have a full and happy life after divorce and so can your kids.

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TreeTop7 · 05/02/2017 09:45

I know people whose parents separated when they went to university. It was so obvious that they'd stayed together for the sake of the children. It made the children feel sad and guilty, not least because they'd always suspected that something was amiss.

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AgeingArtemis · 05/02/2017 10:15

Don't do it!

My parents stayed together, partly for us, and partly because of how the rest of the family would react (religious, certainly wouldn't disown or anything but be very upset and make a big deal out if it).

Now finally they are talking to us about separating as youngest sibling is going to move out in the next 6 months to a year.

At times my parents were a bit unstable, I suspect nowadays it would count as physical and emotional abuse and I think a lot of it stemmed from their unhappiness and poor mental health. I never got over the shouting and screaming and crying either, or the periods of cold indifference.

I love my parents very much but I am angry that they didn't divorce years ago (when one of them used to threaten it in their rows when I was a child I used to hope for it!)

I have never, ever, had any sort of relationship (not even a pre-teen hand holding "boyfriend") and I am not sure I ever will. I'm not very attractive, so it's not like I'm fighting men off lol, and I really struggle to trust someone to that degree