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AIBU?

Need perspective...DH hobby related

105 replies

FindingMemo · 04/02/2017 17:22

Married 16 years. Two DC. DH has always gone to football every Saturday and often a week night too (home and way games) , + every European championship and every World Cup since we have been together.

Over the years I have pretty much accepted it. He is a pretty great husband and father. He is self employed and works mostly from home during the day (I work full time) and he does an equal share of childcare, ferrying kids around etc.

If I want to go out with friends, he happily has the kids (although this is not often - I had a weekend away last week for a friends 40th and before that hadn't been out since mid December).

Housework - he will put on a wash, do the dishwasher, swish around the kitchen with a cloth and happily cooks 2 or 3 nights a week, but the heavy duty housework is left to me as he has low standards and doesn't notice it.

We get on well most of the time. He is kind, caring, funny and respectful. But suddenly, this football hobby/obsession is really starting to hack me off...and I don't know if I am being a mardy arse or not?

I just feel trapped by it. I can NEVER go out on a Saturday unless its booked in months in advance. It feels like he goes out on the piss all day and night every Saturday while I basically shop, cook, clean and mind our DC. He also has to work 2-3 weekday evenings out of the house (not set days) so its tricky to socialise or have a hobby outside the house/gym etc during the week.

Am I being a princess? I don't know. He is a lovely bloke in other respects. I was ill this week and he waited on me hand and foot, for example. But its this regime of every Saturday off he goes...most weeks he is off to footie one night too...and I am dictated to by his regime. Arghhhh. AIBU?

OP posts:

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strugglingstepdad · 04/02/2017 17:28

Yes yabu.

Sounds like he is doing loads, not stopping you from doing the same if you wanted.

Do you think it could be a bit of the green eyed monster? That you would like to have something like that?

therootoftheroot · 04/02/2017 17:30

could she have that though? how on earth could the op say 'righjt i am now into cycling and it demands that every saturday and wednesday i will be out of the house all day/evening'?

she can't do this because someone has to look after the children
this happens so often -men can just fuck off and do whatever they want but the women don't have that luxury

yanbu-i would have snapped years ago

AnyFucker · 04/02/2017 17:31

I don't think you are bring reasonable to try and change him now, tbh

I would never have accepted bring so in thrall to his routine in the 1st place though

therootoftheroot · 04/02/2017 17:31

and it's not even like he is going to the match and then coming home but is going out drinking afterwards too

prettywhiteguitar · 04/02/2017 17:32

Well it's just very unequal, that's the problem

Problem is if you made it equal you would never see each other !

I would ask him to go to football every fortnight

YouTheCat · 04/02/2017 17:32

He's not doing loads. OP works full time and does more than him. He gets a whole day a week to himself and she gets a day here and there that has to be booked in advance.

I'm presuming his hobby takes excuses him from being a parent on the days he's away? So half of the weekend he's an absent father.

He sounds like a selfish arse.

FindingMemo · 04/02/2017 17:32

No, its definitely not jealousy.

Its more that he has the luxury of being able to say every Saturday morning 'see ya!' and going out on a 12 hour booze fuelled jolly while I clean up and do mundane things... it just grates.

Wat if I had such an all consuming hobby? Would he support it? I don't know...as lovely as he is, I really don't know...

OP posts:

missingmumxox · 04/02/2017 17:33

Sounds like you might need to ride this out, he sounds okay and it doesn't seem too bad although I would talk to him about the every Saturday it is a bit much.
My cousin's other half left him recently for this very thing but he was a lazy fucker who didn't do anything the rest of the time.

prettywhiteguitar · 04/02/2017 17:33

Surprised that anyone thinks this is ok !

ElspethFlashman · 04/02/2017 17:33

I'm conflicted. On the one hand he sounds like a decent bloke who is engaged with his family. On the other he spends a lot of time and money away.

However even though you work full time, there doesn't seem to be anything stopping you taking up a hobby on a week night. I suspect you wouldn't mind if you felt you had something regular to look forward to every week too.

Lilaclily · 04/02/2017 17:35

Every Saturday is too much imo

ElspethFlashman · 04/02/2017 17:35

I also don't know how you didn't nip it in the bud years ago. Don't know how this worked when you had babies.

Verbena37 · 04/02/2017 17:36

Football isn't all yr round though is it?
He does seem to help out quite a bit at home.....does way more than my DH....although mine doesn't go out every Saturday.

Why don't you bring it up with him casually and suggest that you take turns doing something Saturday's......also means he doesn't spend time with your kids at weekend too.

FindingMemo · 04/02/2017 17:36

His routine didn't bother me for the first few years we were together (child free) because I was out all the time anyway and was pretty much a workaholic and play-hard type.

When the DC were very young I also wasn't bothered. He was pretty hands-on in other respects - night feeds, bedtimes, bath time, all the relentless kiddy shite - so it didn't feel too much of a burden.

I think its as the DC have got older (now 12 and 10). I should have more freedom, but I don't. iyswim?

OP posts:

Lilaclily · 04/02/2017 17:36

Also it's expensive to travel to every world cup and euros! I'm guessing you don't get a family holiday if he's flecked off to Brazil for 3 weeks ?

Lilaclily · 04/02/2017 17:37

Why doesn't he take kids that age with him?

YouTheCat · 04/02/2017 17:38

This really bugs me - he isn't 'helping out'. It isn't the OP's job to do all the housework. As far as I can see he isn't doing as much as the OP who works full time.

FindingMemo · 04/02/2017 17:39

Money isn't the issue. He can afford all this travel and it isn't at the expense of our family, holidays or lifestyle.

I'm not painting myself as a meek, boring mum at home, I hope. I have a life . It just feels very restrictive, this 'every saturday and Tuesday' regime.

OP posts:

FindingMemo · 04/02/2017 17:39

He takes DS once every 6 weeks or so (but he is autistic and football isn't hs thing). DD has no interest in going.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/02/2017 17:40

I think every Saturday is too much. I can understand why you've had enough. Every other Saturday. Would he agree to that?

YouTheCat · 04/02/2017 17:40

So, into the bargain, you have a child with additional needs?

He sounds more and more like a twat.

specialsubject · 04/02/2017 17:41

I used to do a different year round hobby every weekend. It was recognised that the participants would disappear for a few years when kids arrived.

Most of the participants were male, and they realised that the hobby had to go while the kids were young to give their partners a break. it is the choice you make.

Note - participants! Even less excuse for spectators.

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Floralnomad · 04/02/2017 17:42

I think YABU to try and change things now , what happens when it's not football season ?

DJKKSlider · 04/02/2017 17:43

Fuck that.

Here's a plan.
he gets first and third Saturdays, you get 2nd and 4th Saturdays every month.
He cooks 3 nights, ypou cook three nights and the spare night he works, have a takeaway.

Don't pout upnwith this massive inbalance.
Its his house, he should be cleaning..
He has to eat so should cook.
They're his kids, he's not doing you a favour by having them when you want to go out.

AnneElliott · 04/02/2017 17:44

I think every Saturday is too much. And I get where you're coming from re wanting more time now the kids are older.

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