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AIBU?

Dd not invited to party's: reception class

65 replies

socialengineering · 04/02/2017 16:07

My dd is not being invited to class mate parties, even though she invited everyone to hers and is now becoming upset.

I KNOW that this sounds petty and parties are expensive, everyone has the right to choose etc, that is not the issue I am debating, but I feel so bad for her as she is upset and has started asking why they don't invite her

My question is, AIBU to ask the teacher if she is not getting on with people for a reason? Or will I look like 'that' parent?!
If she is being mean or difficult I can help her work on that iykwim. She is very shy and I just want to help her feel secure and make friends.

OP posts:

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Floggingmolly · 04/02/2017 16:09

Are they whole class parties?

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TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 04/02/2017 16:11

Of it is a whole class party then thats unacceptable to leave out one or two. If they are just having 10 then thats understandable.

Can you find out more about the party? Then talk to tour daughter anout not bejng able to go to everything.

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bookwormnerd · 04/02/2017 16:15

Some children dont have whole class parties so i would tell daughter that even if you dont get invited it doesnt mean person doesnt like her and we cant go to every party (had this conversation with own daughter) i say we invite everyone but not everyone does that but nothing to be upset about. I would make sure she knows not big deal. As for talking to teacher you can ask how she is finding it socially. My dd is shy and its something we kept eye on
I would just do something nice on day of party to distract, school parties are funny things. You will get quite a few where only few invited due to cost and that increases the older they get.

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trinketsofgold · 04/02/2017 16:15

I had a mum "confront" me after my DD's 5th birthday party. Apparently her daughter was distraught about not being invited, very upset at "everyone" talking about it blah blah blah. I had 6 kids from the class at a soft play!! The woman is mental!

Please don't be that mum OP

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bookwormnerd · 04/02/2017 16:16

I do agree if is everyone else invited thats awful. I always ask for class list to make sure dont miss anyone

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elspethmcgillicuddy · 04/02/2017 16:20

We've had this too. It breaks my heart for my DD but I don't think that I can or SHOULD intervene. If you can I would encourage friendships with play dates (I can't because of work). If not then just teach her that not everyone goes to every party and that yes it sucks but that is how it is.

I think that small difficulties like this are how children learn to deal with the big stuff. Resilience is so important and this is a good way to help build it.

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sirfredfredgeorge · 04/02/2017 16:21

Irrelevant to the party, you're perfectly reasonable to ask your reception teacher how her relationships are in the class.

Moaning about parties, YABU.

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Baffledonthisone · 04/02/2017 16:22

even though she invited everyone to hers

That's where you went wrong. You can be good friends with a whole class. You should let her select a few of her friends instead of trying to include everyone.

No one at her party will have felt special as it was a 'whole class' gimme gimme gift fest play date.

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socialengineering · 04/02/2017 16:26

Thanks everyone!

No they haven't been whole class parties, but more than 10.

I would never ask a parent, I'm not crazy! And believe it is the child's/parents choice who is invited.

Her teachers are aware of her social anxiety (diagnosed with anxiety) and hoped she wouldn't notice the whole party thing, but she thinks ppl don't like her .

OP posts:

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socialengineering · 04/02/2017 16:31

Wow, gimmie gift fest? Ouch!

Her birthday was September and reception year, no one knew anyone enough to be good friends, so she chose to invite everyone. If her party was later in the school year I would have encouraged her to in its only ppl she liked myself, so I am in not moaning that she isn't invited. Only that she is upset and how o should tackle that.

OP posts:

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meganorks · 04/02/2017 16:31

They are just different kinds of parties. She can't be invited to all if they are smaller parties. I'm sure she will be invited to some in time. I'd say small parties at that age are more unusual so there will probably be some class ones soon. If the parents are asking their kids who they want to invite at that age they are probably just getting back the loudest kids

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WheresLarry · 04/02/2017 16:35

OP you need to clarify if it was a whole class party or a select few friends. Even if she invited everyone to hers you can't expect your dd to be invited to everyone else's as a returned favour.

Children are very straight and to the point, if asked which 5 people they want to invite to a party they will think of their play mates, not who has invited them to a party in the past.

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Baffledonthisone · 04/02/2017 16:35

IF you had let he choose some 'friends' even if they don't end up as her bffs you could now explain the whole smaller party thing much easier.

"Remember we couldn't invite such and such. Not everyone can go to every party."

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WheresLarry · 04/02/2017 16:41

Sorry xpost OP. I think you need to accept that she won't be invited to all parties, for a number of reasons.

I agree that the final comment by baffledonthisone is ridiculous and harsh. My dd had a whole class party, but it was a joint one with a girl in her class. Her birthday is close to Xmas and most people think of it as an afterthought due all the festivities. She asked for a party because she has been invited to others during spring and summer and so we gave in this year and organised a party. She and we certainly didn't do it for presents, she just wanted a fun time with school friends.

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Notso · 04/02/2017 16:43

How does she find out about the parties? My four have generally been oblivious to parties they weren't invited to until about 8/9. Occasionally had the odd parent ask if mine were going to X's party but it's always been done out of earshot of the children.
Invitations usually get given out as the kids go through the door.

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NavyandWhite · 04/02/2017 16:43

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RupertsMum2 · 04/02/2017 16:47

Are you having children home for play dates and is she being invited to other houses. Once she makes a few special friends she will likely get invited to their parties.

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EssentialHummus · 04/02/2017 16:48

Tough one. If she's the only child not invited then it's a point about friendship issues, surely? If they are just small group parties, I think you'll need to explain to her that not everyone can afford to host the entire class.

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Starlight2345 · 04/02/2017 16:49

I think it is fine to ask teacher if she is managing her friendships.

The thing with parties they don't tend to talk about them after they are really done and dusted and onto the next thing. I would really been bright breezy oh there will be other parties change subject.

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Magzmarsh · 04/02/2017 16:52

I'm surprised she's that bothered or even noticed at such a young age, kids don't normally cop on to being "not invited " until they're a bit older.

In my experience it bothers the parents more than the child.

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NavyandWhite · 04/02/2017 16:52

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ChangeTime · 04/02/2017 16:56

I think you can ask the teacher. Just tell her what you said in the OP. It's a perfectly reasonable question. My DC all went to schools where the children didn't talk about parties in front of other children who weren't invited. Even in reception the children should be old enough to be discreet.
Perhaps the teacher could remind them.

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ZombieApocalips · 04/02/2017 16:57

In Reception, parents control the invite list and in many cases invite their friends (from nursery, baby group, after school activity) over school friends. This generally changes as the kids get older and school friends dominate the party list.

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NavyandWhite · 04/02/2017 16:58

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SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/02/2017 17:01

YANBU at all to ask DD's teacher whether she is playing with other children, forming friendships etc. Not specifically with regard to party invitations, but in general - certainly.

DD is Year 1. She had a whole class party at the very end of Reception year (August birthday) because she wanted a disco party in the village hall (several classmates had already had one during the year). Should she really have only invited 6 friends so that everyone "felt special" Biffle? It certainly wasn't a "gimme giftfest". How fucking depressing that anyone would view an invitation to a 5th birthday party with such resentment!

This year in Year 1 parties are becoming smaller, which IME is a natural progression. As children get older, parties involve less guests as friendship groups become more defined.

OP, unless your DD is the only child not being invited or she is not invited by someone she considers a "best friend", I really wouldn't worry. As one of the youngest in the year, DD seemed to naturally make friends with more similar aged children - so almost all of her friends now have summer birthdays. If your DD is quite shy and anxious, could it be that her closer friends are the slightly younger ones who may also lack a bit of confidence just yet? There can be quite a difference between a just turned 4 year old & a very nearly 5 year old.

Is it hard to see your child upset by these things though. DD is my DC3, it does happen and it does feel a bit crap.