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To feel irritated and let down by my friend.

(14 Posts)
Boolovessulley Sat 04-Feb-17 11:39:52

I'm not too sure myself what I'm asking here or why it's niggling me but it is.
I'll try not to drip feed so please bare with me.
I have a friend who I'll call A.
We have been good friends for a long time.
I was there for her when she divorced her abusive husband. She's always been there for me too.
I feel that recently she has changed, and that's fine we are all free to change. However she isn't acting like the good friend I know and it's irritating me.
She has had lots of counselling and blames the breakdown of her parents marriage as the root cause.
Her dad left at a very crucial time in her life, not getting in touch, shagging around etc etc.
He was married before and had a child with another woman. Then married another woman after he married A's mum.

As an adult she said that she always had to be the one to make an effort to see her dad. He never once came to visit her or his grandkids, ever.
Yet she still talks about him saying what a lovely man he was 🙄
Her first h was violent yet when she was married he could do no wrong. It was always everyone else who was in the wrong, not him.
She met her next partner very quickly after splitting with her husband, too quickly she now says.
He was better than her ex h but apparently still volitile.
He spent vast amounts of time away from her perusing his hobby.
Unbeknown to me she started an affair with another man ( he had a partner). She was having an affair with him whilst living with her partner.
She split with her partner, he never put her first.
Then confessed she was having an affair.
Repeatedly she told me that the affair man loved her. That he was such a lovely man.
I gently told her that no, he isn't a lovely man he is a cheat.
She got very angry with me so I shut up
Quite frankly I think she is deluding herself.
She was there to fuck.
But I didn't want to ruin our friendship so what the hell.
Anyway 5 weeks after splitting from her partner she meets someone else.
He is her soul mate apparently.
She has moved in and stopped seeing her shagging partner.

But because she doesn't want to bump into her ex affair man, she had backed out of pre planned and pre paid for excursions with me.

We have done these excursions for years.

It had made me angry that she can just drop me like that.

Her reasoning is that she doesn't want her new boyfriend to ever find out that she was having an affair, even though it was before she met him.

To say I was pissed off was an understatement.

The thing that also irritates me is that every single time I see her without fail she will say: X loves me.
X being her new man.
No matter what we are discussing
I know X loves me.

X spends an awful lot of time away from her working.
Sometimes working 7 days s week.

She is always defensive about this.

I see a pattern here.
She is justifying their relationship.

Her own daughter had told her that it won't last. She will become tired of him always working.

I saw her recently and she has asked that we go out.
Part of me thinks great.
The other part thinks no.
Don't plan anything with her.
She has let me down with our pre planned excursion.

I don't really now what I'm asking just that I don't like what she is doing.
She's also found out I'm goi g somewhere with my partner and his friends and now days oh if you can do it with his friends you can do it with her and her boyfriend.
Tbh I m not making plans for that either.

We are still friends and I don't want to throw away our friendship.

IMissGrannyW Sat 04-Feb-17 11:51:04

I think it depends on whether it's acceptable to you to continue but with you very much on the sidelines without judging/offering opinions on her relationships. If you feel you can't do that, then I don't see how your friendship can continue. If you feel you could, then you'll be able to carry on, but I think it's how that messes with your head (or not).

Trifleorbust Sat 04-Feb-17 11:59:03

I would struggle to maintain a friendship with someone who was quite so invested in my relationships tbh. I wouldn't mind someone expressing a concern or saying they didn't agree with what I was doing, but after that I would expect to be left to make my own (adult) decisions.

isupposeitsverynice Sat 04-Feb-17 12:34:39

Some people make everything about their relationship though Trifle - I stopped bothering with a friend who did nothing but make bad relationship choices and then wanted to discuss them endlessly and be told how right she was - who has the time or patience for that?

VladmirsPoutine Sat 04-Feb-17 12:37:21

She sounds a bit of a nightmare tbh. I'd focus my energies on better friends. You don't need to make a show of dropping her but I wouldn't plan anything else with her.

Trifleorbust Sat 04-Feb-17 12:57:09

isupposeitsverynice: Certainly not me! But is that the case here?

Boolovessulley Sat 04-Feb-17 17:24:03

Thanks for all your replies.
She does always ask about my oh and how are we getting on.
She then tells me how wonderful her new partner is, which is fine except I think it strange that someone tells you their oh lives them.
It's like people who insist on telling you that they love their kids.

Err yes I should think that goes without saying
It's as though she is trying to justify her relationship.
Of course she is free to see whoever she chooses and I hope this relationship works out well for her, I really do.

Boolovessulley Sat 04-Feb-17 17:24:52

Lives them=loves them

YouTheCat Sat 04-Feb-17 17:28:27

Her new partner works away, sometimes 7 days a week? I reckon her new partner has a family and partner already.

She sounds like an utter pain in the arse. I'd distance myself before the next drama.

Chloe84 Sat 04-Feb-17 17:37:11

Did she re-imburse you for the excursions? If not, I would not be making any plans with her that require pre-payment.

Starlight2345 Sat 04-Feb-17 17:47:15

I Thought the same about the 7 days a week..Desperate to be loved was what springs to my mind.

However regardless of this you sounds like you have had enough so maybe time to distance yourself from her.

This is a cycle I would be expecting her to repeat.

Boolovessulley Sat 04-Feb-17 17:49:48

Hi he doesn't work away he lives at home.
I don't want to say what he does as I don't want to out myself but he isn't saving lives or anything like that.
She also gave the impression that his boss pressures him into working. However when a group of us went out he said he didn't have to work such long hours, he choose to!'!!!!
The thing is the main reason she had an affair and split from her last partner was because he spent so much time away from her.

Yes she has reimbursed me for the trip but the other thing is i cancelled a weekend away with my oh because of this.
Basically I had arranged to go away with A but we hadn't paid gone deposit.
There was something on that weekend that my oh wanted to do with me so he booked and paid for it.
I felt bad letting A down so I told oh and he has given the tickets to a friend.
He is out of pocket and I've missed out on a weekend away with him.

Now she's not coming because she might bump into the guy she was seeing and doesn't want to see him because she is with her new man.

She probably daring adk for her deposit back as she knew she had pussed me off

Just had a message from my other friend, who wants to come out with A and me asking which date is best.

I know it sounds really petty but I don't feel like going.
But my other friend won't go if I don't so I don't know shat go do.
Am I being petty?

Boolovessulley Sat 04-Feb-17 17:51:29

Sorry for all the typos I'm on my phone.

Twiggy71 Sat 04-Feb-17 17:59:49

No i don't think your being petty at all, i have a friend who is similar and although she has different issues I feel she is sucking the life out of me.
Friendships should go both ways and if you feel like your always giving and its affecting your own well being its time to pull back and look after yourself.

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