about this apology(59 Posts)
Dh and I have some issues . . . we argue quite a lot and it's become a bit of a pattern of mutual dispespect. Whether there's miles left in the marriage or not is the fundamental issue, but I wouldn't mind some perspective on this morning's incident. A difference of opinion turned into an argunent this morning (we are about to take on a large mortgage and I am having a wobble about whether this is the best idea under current circumstances) and he said 'oh don't be stupid'. This is the second time he's called me stupid in the last 24 hours and I was pretty cross.
One of my main problems with him is he never apologises. I have to wring an apology out of him and that's always after a whole ridiculous performance of self-justification and minimising of whatever he's said/done, even when he completely knows he's in the wrong. Anyway he went off downstairs and a few minutes later I went to the loo.
Mid-poo (sorry) he appears in front of me and starts saying 'I'm sorry . . .'
I was having a shit! And we've got 2 small kids with no respect for personal space - and I've got my period as well, I wasn't in the most dignified position! I yelled at him 'Can I not be left alone to use the toilet? Go away!' He just stood there! I yelled 'get out' and pushed the door closed.
Have I in effect completely rejected a genuine attempt at improvement by him or was I completely justified in my response?
Both really. He was saying sorry so that's good. No the timing wasn't great and I think it's down to personal dynamics how much of an invasion of privacy that was.
I am wondering whether that was engineered in some way on his part. Now he can use it to beat you over the head with: "well I tried to apologise and you wouldn't let me"
I think you massively over reacted by the don't be stupid. It's just a phrase and it's not calling you stupid it's saying you're acting stupid. But apologising while you're having a shit is just him being a prick and is a power thing. Yes he's apologising, but you're the one who's vulnerable.
I guess you could've said 'Apology accepted. Can you shut the door please?'
YANBU. He either lacks empathy, or he did it deliberately, hoping you'd either accept the apology under duress, or he was hoping for a 'reaction' that he could use as ammunition. Either way, it's not great.
I would have reacted the same to both being called stupid and being confronted whilst sitting on the toilet!
I wouldn't take on larger mortgage whilst in a shaky marriage personally .
If you have the finances look at marriage counselling maybe?
To be honest you sound done with him. Do you actually want to get a mortgage and carry on? Or would you rather he take the time to actually repair whats wrong (if possible) and then look into committing to other things?
YANBU. He should have left as soon as you said go away.
Did he open the door without knoxking first?
Sounds like the universe telling you to not take on a large mortgage with this 'person'
Consider how you would feel, writing something similar on MN, but starting 'i am trapped by a large mortgage' with someone, who ....
You over reacted to start with, "don't be stupid" is not the same as someone calling you stupid. At all. If you start exploding if someone throws a "are you mad/ crazy/on glue?" you will never stop.
I don't know the rules of your house. MY DH would never ever walk in the toilets when I am in there, so screaming "go away" and slamming the door sounds perfectly reasonable to me. (if you can reach the door from the loo that is).
You can always go downstairs, remind him that you don't walk in the toilets on an adult and ask what he was going to say.
You both need to calm down and chill a bit. Getting a big mortgage and having young kids is very stressful.
You are not being stupid to have qualms about getting a bigger mortgage when your relationship is not - well - stable enough to be sure that you will still be together to pay it off.
If my partner had hesitations about getting a bigger mortgage with me, I'd want to sit down and find out why. And I wouldn't pretend to apologise by going into the toilet to do so.
You over reacted to start with, "don't be stupid" is not the same as someone calling you stupid.
I absolutely would not tolerate anyone saying that to me, let alone my husband. Different people, different standards.
'Don't be stupid' is a phrase many people use without realising how offensive it is. He may not intend it as offensively as you hear it.
I would be outraged about him coming in while I was on the loo, but again it sort of depends how your house works. I've been lucky enough to have had more than one loo my whole life, so it has never been necessary.
It's never, ever helpful to have discussions about stuff while you are still angry.
I think you are right to wobble about taking on a big mortgage when you are struggling like this.
crapfriends Yes this. this exactly. I would like to take time and fix things if they are fixable. But we are pretty far down the line in buying this house, and he has a tendency to be a little single-minded and blinkered sometimes; he is quite a driven and determined character. So I think part of him is like 'I have committed to this marriage and it bloody well is going to work' and reacts quite unhelpfully to things that he percieves as potential threats to that. It's a complicated dynamic, aren't all marriages!
And I did wonder if the apology was deliberately timed. But I don't think so. Personal boundaries have become so eroded by having small children he probably didn't think about it.
Did he open the door without knocking?
Did he not expect you to be in there?
Was the door closed?
I think him telling you not to be stupid shows that he's not actually interested in the reasons you have for being concerned about taking on this mortgage - shows disrespect. As does confronting you in the loo IMO but I know that's a personal thing. I would urge you to go to couples counselling in order to sort through your communication issues and anything else for that matter before you commit further to this man.
really? Uptight much? Even in a different scenario?
"husband, I scratched your car, I am so upset"
"Don't be stupid, it doesn't matter".
"husband, if we take a bigger mortgage and the property market collapse, and we lose our job, we'll end up living under the bridge and you will have to sell a kidney"
"don't be stupid, we'll be fine".
Come on TheStoic, don't be daft, people say it all the time. It's not an insult.
Sounds to me like you both need to be kinder to each other.
Regarding apologising to you whilst you were on the loo, is it normal to talk to each other while you're in the bathroom? It is in our house, so that wouldn't have been a big deal, but it sounds like he's never come into the bathroom with you before from your post, but then again, the door wasn't locked, so it depends what's normal for you two.
I also agree that that saying you are being stupid is not the same as saying you are stupid.
Why has all this mutual disrespect arisen? Do you think you can get back to a place of mutual love and kindness?
I DEFINITELY would not take out that mortgage.....
We are a pretty open lot in our house apart from the teens in the bathroom but when I have my period and due to having a 6 yr old dd I always shut and lock the door.
If personal bathroom space is a very private thing for you you should lock the door so people know not to come in.
You say he's hard I get an apology out of but he obviously decided that was the time to do it which had the door been locked he would probably have said it when you came out of the loo.
Tensions sound high so maybe that's why you sniped.
Why do t you just try and talk it out? Stop the conversation if one of you raises their voice and start again. Lee going until it's sorted
to explain the loo set-up in our house - I was in our en-suite, door wasn't closed, and he came upstairs specifically to find me to apologise. It would have been clear to him when he walked into the bedroom (I guess he was expecting to find me still in bed) that I was in the loo. Maybe he thought his mission to apologise trumped my privacy, I don't know.
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