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AIBU to have lunch with my ex?

(110 Posts)
confusedcat87 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:14:49

I have name changed for this as frankly, I'm pretty ashamed of my behaviour. I'm sorry if this is a long post. I genuinely don't feel that I can speak with anyone about this in 'real life.'

I don't really know where to start. I am married, have been with my husband for 8 years ( married for 3) no NC yet. We have a generally happy marriage. We are the best of friends and I do love him and care for him deeply. But our relationship has never been particularly passionate.

We met when I was 21. Before this, when I was 20, I was with someone else. The relationship lasted for less than a year but he was my first love and I was absolutely besotted with him. It was a very passionate relationship but also very intense. (The best of times and the worst of times!) We split up because frankly, I was a mess. Really immature and insecure and treated him terribly. When he broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. It lead to a period of particularly bad depression which almost resulted in me dropping out of uni. I don't feel like I have ever really got over him.

My ex and I have kept in touch a little bit over the years. Literally just the odd facebook message here and there maybe once or twice a year. Not flirty, just friendly. But over the past year or so, we've been speaking a lot more. Again, nothing more than speaking, and always very platonic. We have a lot of shared interest that my husband and I don't have (not that that's any justification.) My husband doesn't know about the contact. In fact, he doesn't really know about my ex at all. I've never really went in to any great detail about my past relationships.

So after a lengthy whatsapp chat with my ex the other day about a trip he had been on (i'm going to the same place on holiday in a few months) I suggested we meet for a coffee. We work on the same street so have bumped in to each other on the street once or twice but other than that, have not seen each properly in almost 9 years.

I have no idea what I want to achieve from this. He is single but I don't think he would have any interest in being with me. I don't know if I hope that by seeing him, it will help me move on? I wish this is what I wanted but honestly, I've spent the couple of days fantasing about leaving my husband for him. I know that I should not go to this lunch (next Thurs) but I can't not go. I think about this man all the time. I suppose I need to see if there's something there still.

I know the whole thing is crazy. I am racked with guilt because I know I am essentially 'emotionally' cheating on husband and if it were not for my ex, I honestly think I would be very content with my marriage.

The whole situation is madness. I just had to get this off my chest. If you've read this far, thank you.

Foldedtshirt Fri 03-Feb-17 15:22:05

Don't go, love flowers

Msqueen33 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:22:37

Hmmmm so your dh doesn't know about the chats via whatsapp etc? I'd say it's not good you haven't told him as if above board you'd tell him. It could go two ways either you get closure and end up as friends or you still feel something more. This is as you probably know unfair on your dh. How would you feel if things were reversed? You know this isn't good and that lunch isn't the best idea.

BrowsOnFleek Fri 03-Feb-17 15:25:27

Don't do it.

Can you imagine how your DH will feel if he finds out? It is so painful to be on the receiving end of this. How would you feel is the situation was reversed? And what are you trying to achieve? If you decide that he's the love of your life, will you up and leave your DH? Have an affair? I just really can't understand why you'd do it. Block him and put it out of your mind.

confusedcat87 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:27:51

Thanks you for the responses. I know I shouldn't go. I know it's not fair on my DH. But I still want to. I wish it was as easy as just forgetting this man but I haven't after 9 years! The truth is, after all this time, we don't really know each other. Maybe I won't even like the person he's become? Also, I suppose I want to show him I'm different now as I treated him so badly back then. I do feel like a horrible person and really wish I didn't have these feelings.

Bluntness100 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:28:12

I think you're going to go anyway. When you bumped into him did you have any feelings? You may find actually sitting down for coffee may make you think uou can't believe you liked him all those years ago. You may want him back, and you'd have to tell yourself you can't ever meet him again if that's the case,,,can you do so?

I suspect this is a mixture of things, being slightly bored, wanting to feel attractive and also the pain of his rejection coming back to you so wanting to think he wants you again.

If you're fantasising about leaving your husband for him and you've done no more than message and not even had the coffee yet, then I think you're at huge risk of having an affair if he wants to and being totally devastated if he doesn't show any interest.

I don't think there is any point saying dont go, because I think you will, so maybe all you can do is try to understand your feelings.

someonestolemynick Fri 03-Feb-17 15:29:42

Don't meet him. You are keeping it secret from your dp - and that's the big clincher.

I'm in platonic contact with THE ex via the occasional e-mail/ text. The diffence is that do knows; doesn't mind and has similar contact with his ex.

confusedcat87 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:32:32

This is going to make it even worse. I know my DH would not mind (if this was purely platonic obviously.) he is very laidback and not insecure at all. BUT, when we first got together, I asked him not to have contact with his ex as it made ME feel insecure. So not only am I a horrible person, I'm a hypocrite too. How can I possible tell him if I didn't want him to do the same.

luckylucky24 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:33:54

I don't think you have changed as much as you think you have. Then you were insecure and treated your partner badly. You are obviously still feeling insecure as you are seeking out someone to make yourself feel better. You are also treating your husband really badly.

confusedcat87 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:36:15

How do I get over him? The thought of never speaking to him again makes me really sad, but so does the thought of hurting my DH.

Viviene Fri 03-Feb-17 15:37:06

Go. It's less unfair to your husband to go to lunch and KNOW (one way or the other) than it is to keep daydreaming about your ex.
Affairs are not only physical...

Msqueen33 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:37:14

You know it has disaster written all after it. Fantasising about a crush is normally harmless but this is an ex and essentially the one who got away. Why do you need to prove anything to him? My ex left me for someone else and it was very hard. I'd love to meet him for coffee as we were together for 7 years into our early twenties and I'd like to see how he turned out.

You have hobbies in common, you've fantasised about leaving your dh for him and he's the one that got away. There's a big stop sign right in front of you.

GreenRut Fri 03-Feb-17 15:37:56

Op I don't think there's any need for angst. You know you shouldn't go but you're going to go, right? Or are you hoping to be dissuaded? Do you think you could be? I don't think it sounds like you could. You're going to end up feeling worse after you've been and you'll have done it to yourself!

Don't go...

AmeliaJack Fri 03-Feb-17 15:39:03

Don't go.

You DH wouldn't mind if it was purely platonic but it's not platonic if you have spent the last week fantasising about running away with this man.

You won't forget about him if you are keeping up cosy WhatsApp chat either.

You are risking your marriage for a pipe dream.

anothermalteserplease Fri 03-Feb-17 15:39:46

Don't go on the lunch if you're serious about making your marriage work. Stop the chatting with the ex too while you're at it. Focus that attention on your husband instead.

nigelforgotthepassword Fri 03-Feb-17 15:39:55

If you go you will be opening a can of worms.
Tread carefully op.The grass isn't always greener.Plus it's not a nice thing to do to your h.
If the roles were reversed how would you feel?

I know it's hard when you feel like this. The only way is to go NC with the man and concentrate on pepping up your relationship with your h.

Mungobungo Fri 03-Feb-17 15:40:12

In a way I get it. The what ifs about the one that got away. BUT you are now married to someone else and it would be entirely unfair and disrespectful to him for you to pursue this. Stop fantasising about someone that you don't know anymore - things will not be as they were when you were with him. Focus on what you do have rather than an imaginary perfect relationship. The only reason that you're still hung up on this guy 9 years later is because you're allowing yourself to fantasise and build this guy up in your mind to be better than your dh.

Perhaps you should spend your time working on your relationship and taking time to think about what's good about what you have with dh. If things aren't great between you and dh then perhaps you should consider splitting, but don't use someone else as a catalyst for this. And don't cheat. It's scummy.

PaintingOwls Fri 03-Feb-17 15:40:36

If you can't tell your DH then don't go to meet the ex.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 03-Feb-17 15:40:41

I know my DH would not mind (if this was purely platonic obviously.) he is very laidback and not insecure at all

Then surely you can tell him.

But I don't think you will tell him, because I don't think it is purely platonic.

You're talking about issues in your relationship and this ex coming back in to your life. It doesn't scream platonic to me.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 03-Feb-17 15:42:51

Also you say you have felt insecure and didn't want your husband to have contact with exes. So how would you feel if he was doing this? Whatsapping and meeting a woman without telling you. You'd think he was having an affair. You doing it is not excusable simply because you say he wouldn't mind. You have to question your actions, not just what his reaction would be.

confusedcat87 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:43:35

The thing is, things are great between me and DH. We have a really good relationship. I would be devastated if we split up. We have a lovely life together and I would lose all of that. I don't think the ex is better than him. They are very different people. It is so hard to explain how I feel but I don't think I have ever stopped loving my ex. Can you love two people. Maybe I need therapy.

confusedcat87 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:44:26

This is really tearing me up inside.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 03-Feb-17 15:45:22

You can love to two people, but not to the extent that those two people individually need. It might be fine for you to love them both, but it wouldn't be fine for them. Do you see what I mean?

Go to counselling if you think it would help. Don't meet him. Stop messaging him. You need some headspace to think about what you are getting yourself into.

LoupGarou Fri 03-Feb-17 15:45:28

As others have said, don't go, it will open a Pandora's box. I'm not at all against exes being part of lives - my ex is my best friend and is very close friends with my DH and it doesn't cause us any issues, but we have cast iron boundaries which are never crossed.

He is single but I don't think he would have any interest in being with me Out of your whole OP this was the biggest red flag for me, it shouldn't be on your mind whether he has any interest in being with you, or whether he's single. The fact that its on your mind rings alarm bells.

confusedcat87 Fri 03-Feb-17 15:48:22

I know what you are all saying is true. I wouldn't have posted if I didn't think it was wrong. Thank you for not being horrible to me. Believe me, I'm feeling horrible enough already.

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