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To not have met my friend last weekend?

(77 Posts)
MadJeffBarn Fri 03-Feb-17 11:15:13

A dear friend of mine lost her job last Friday. She wanted to meet up for a drink, but I had booked in a babysitter so I can paint our living room. We haven't done it in years and it was desperate, and literally my only weekend off for 2 months. Friend is now upset with me, even though I offered to meet with her another night instead. I tried explaining that it was the only night we could get a sitter and we had it planned since before Christmas. Wibu?

Bluntness100 Fri 03-Feb-17 11:18:08

Hmmmm. Couldn't you have invited her round for a drink and talk whilst you painted? Or met her earlier, or just for half an hour?

MiaowMix Fri 03-Feb-17 11:19:46

sorry to be dense but why do you need a sitter to paint a room? Probably a stupid question! confused

BeachyKeen Fri 03-Feb-17 11:21:14

It's your dear friend, she comes first. The walls will still be there, and if they have waited this long,they can wait some more I'd think.
I'd go round with a hug and a bottle of wine and make the world ok together. flowerswine

sonyaya Fri 03-Feb-17 11:21:57

I'd have met my friend - it's more important than a painted room.

ProudBadMum Fri 03-Feb-17 11:23:03

I'd have met the friend and then decorated half cut

MadJeffBarn Fri 03-Feb-17 11:23:38

I did invite her over, she didn't want to. I also offered to meet her for a hour, but she wanted a proper sesh and I just didn't want to sad and my house is incredibly small, so I needed the kids to be out the house so I can move furniture around

IWantATardis Fri 03-Feb-17 11:25:10

I'd have been upset about that myself. It comes across as you caring more about your home decorating than your friend, who presumably was upset about having lost her job.
But then I'd struggle to see getting my living room painted as something that's desperately urgent - if it's waited years already, why couldn't it wait another 2 months?

Did you invite her to come round and have a drink at yours while you painted or anything like that?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual Fri 03-Feb-17 11:25:50

I don't think you were unreasonable. You invited her round, you offered to do it another night, you offered to meet her for an hour. Sometimes people have plans, and that's just the way it is.

SingingInTheRainstorm Fri 03-Feb-17 11:28:12

It's hard I can see both points of view, she wanted support and company, you had this planned for a while. You offered an alternative, but she didn't take you up on it. I get why people are saying you could have met up, but decorating hungover is never fun. Whilst not feeling all that happy drinking is best avoided, or you'll no doubt be stuck in the toilets with a weepy friend with escalated sadness.
To try and resolve it you could invite her round and plan a girly night with wine or whatever you drink, plus a movie. Another thing from my point of view, if she's lost her job she needs to save not spend. So nights in are better value for money. Not that you'd ever rub that in her face. Hopefully she'll be happy to come round or rearrange, I don't think it was your fault, you can be there for someone, not necessarily in person like texting/emailing etc.
Hope you sort it out.

CaoNiMa Fri 03-Feb-17 11:34:46

I would have postponed the painting, I think. Friends in need are more important.

redexpat Fri 03-Feb-17 11:37:54

It was a long standing arrangement.

You offered alternatives, she refused.

YANBU.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo Fri 03-Feb-17 11:38:20

I think you were reasonable! You presumably offered a phone chat, to come out for an hour, and for her to come to you. She wanted you to come out and get drunk. I don't know many mums/dads who could at short notice drop two kids and go out on a Fri. Especially if you had paid for a sitter.

It would have been bad if you hadn't offered any support at all, but the support I offer these days has to be flexible (phone, email, texting, odd snatched drink if poss) if friendships are to survive.

seafoodeatit Fri 03-Feb-17 11:40:47

YANBU, you had a valid reason and childcare is not cheap or easy to arrange! you offered several very reasonable alternatives and she chose not to take you up on that, hardly your fault.

specialsubject Fri 03-Feb-17 11:40:51

Alternatives offered.

Friend wanted ' a proper sesh' which I read as to get steaming drunk. Not a fun evening for a spectator.

Everyone loses their job sometime. Grow up , don't blub, learn to cope without swilling.

Freyanna Fri 03-Feb-17 11:42:01

A dear friend is more important than painting walls.

EliCon Fri 03-Feb-17 11:42:03

Honestly, if the home project was as problematic to arrange as you are describing it, then I don't see a problem. Maybe you have a very busy schedule, and you cannot make sudden changes to plans, as it renders that kind of jobs impossible. In that case you are right to stick to your plans, although I think it is necessary for you to apologise and call your friend for another time.

sonyaya Fri 03-Feb-17 11:43:11

Having read the updates where you invited her round and offered to meet for an hour, I've changed my mind. Your OP read to me as though you had just said no.

JustSpeakSense Fri 03-Feb-17 11:44:44

I think your friend is more important than painting your walls.

Im baffled as to why you need a babysitter in order to paint your walls.

Kewcumber Fri 03-Feb-17 11:49:12

Well do you feel unreasonable?

Losing your job is quite a big deal and if it was a close friend then I certainly wouldn't say "sorry I'm painting the living room", but someone who's more of an acquaintance maybe I would.

So you've made clear to your friend (of whatever closeness) where she ranks in your priority list. If that's where you want her to be then you're not being unreasonable, if you regret having a newly painted living room instead of a close friend then you are.

Essentially you seem to have a mismatch either on how you see the friendship or what you want to do (going out on the razzle vs having newly painted living room).

If you think your friend would drop everything to support you when your DH walks out then YABU, if she wouldn't and instead you would get more support from your lovely living room walls then YANBU.

I must say I winced when you said she'd lost her job and your first reaction wasn't "Sod it, lets go out and distract her" using the babysitting you had already arranged. You obviously don't feel as close to her as she does to you so probably for the best that she knows.

YouHadMeAtCake Fri 03-Feb-17 11:50:56

No I dont think you were. You offered to go to her or her to come to you or meet up another night. Not sure what more she expects really except for you to drop all and go running to her. Does she have any DC ?

Kewcumber Fri 03-Feb-17 11:52:31

As for the idea that someone who loss their job should just grow up and handle it! Man alive, losing my job would be a disaster and I'm VERY grown up (in my 50's) and I lost plenty of jobs and I rarely drink but I think even I might like to go out and drown my sorrows for one night.

SheFeedsYouTeaAndOranges Fri 03-Feb-17 11:55:29

Yet again I'm astounded by the petty selfishness of other people.

Why on earth would the OP drop everything, including plans made with her partner that required babysitting, for a friend who had lost her job?

She offered alternatives to behaving like a single twentysomething with no responsibilities and the friend refused. The OP is utterly reasonable.

I can't understand why people are saying otherwise, tbh.

Nocabbageinmyeye Fri 03-Feb-17 11:56:38

Nope not unreasonable at all, you asked her over and she said no, you said you'd meet her for an hour and it wasn't good enough, there is just no pleasing some folk

onceandneveragain Fri 03-Feb-17 11:56:39

Don't think you were unreasonable particularly given you offered other options however I would have just said you'd longstanding plans and had booked a sitter - been blown off to "paint the living room" does have a whiff off "sorry I'm washing my hair that day" about it

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