To want to unfriend(131 Posts)
My three oldest, closest friends bonded at secondary school and have been close ever since.
One of them has increasingly become difficult for me to be around and I find myself wanting to cut contact with her more and more.
She is very competitive - particularly with me. She constantly finds ways to mention how much her flat is worth, how much her husband earns, how much his bonus was. She even competes about ridiculous things like how much annual leave she gets and when they were buying a new car she even asked me what size our car engine is. One of the most ridiculous lines was after the birth of her child she said her husband said her vagina felt even tighter during sex as they stitched her up so well. I can't believe I'm even typing this - but she said it.
Things seem to happen easily for her. She met her husband "in a bar" they got engaged within a year, married and then had a baby in quick succession. She says they conceived the first time they tried.
I have since found out from one of her husbands friends that they met online - so I know she has lied about that. I'm sure she has lied about more.
My husband and I have had our ups and downs. He took his sweet time proposing to me (9 years) - during which time I saw this friend meet, get engaged and marry her DH. We have been trying for a baby for over a year - something I've wanted very badly all my life - and the disappointment every month is crushing. We have struggled to buy our own home , saving and saving for years and are finally doing it now.
I try not to compare myself to her - we have our own separate lives - but it's hard when she shoves it in your face all the time. Since she found out where we are buying she has said repeatedly how much she loves our road, it's the perfect road, they are looking on our road. It's like she knows it would wind me up and it's her way of spoiling the one positive thing we have going on.
I think she's also trying to make me think she's pregnant again as whenever I see her or hear from her she says things like "I am sooooooooooooo tired all the time, why am I so tired??? My boobs hurt that's weird. Etc etc etc". Why do this???
I could tolerate her before but now I'm having to cope with not conceiving it's just too much and I feel like I'm spending too much mental energy on her. I get so angry and upset thinking about her emails and messages. I never ever contact her by the way - it's always her messaging me.
I guess I just want some advice on what to do about it. Do I say something? If so what and how? It would also impact painfully on the friendship group. How do you unfriend someone???
Frenemy. Have your other friends noticed her behaviour towards you? Is she the same towards them?
Personally I'd be blocking her on Facebook for a start, then gradually distancing myself from her. Stop spendignas much time with her, don't reply to texts etc. It sounds like she's extremely insecure in having to boast about everything. Be sure that her life probably isn't the bed of roses that she makes it out to be, but it does seem like she's trying to put you down.
Let the 'friendship' fizzle out and you'll be far happier.
She sounds a bit annoying but you sound like you just don't like her anymore, not to mention incredibly jealous of her. With the conception issue, I can see why, but with the rest, you need to just let it go. Stuff happens at a different pace for everyone. You just aren't compatible as friends anymore. People change.
If I were you, I'd probably not just delete her as it would be obvious but I would unfollow her on Facebook, for example, just to see less of her posts, unless you go looking for them and I would tkae my time replying to her messages and just not answer at all if it is particularly annoying. Don't make a big song and dance, just step back gradually.
Isn't there an old saying- "those who shout the loudest usually have the least to say"?
She is toxic and bringing nothing to your life. I'd start to ghost her if I were you. And remember the grass isn't always greener- there are some people who thrive on only showing you the amazing parts of their lives, and they aren't the kind of people I like to be my friends!
I would cut her out my life everything she is doing is her just trying to stick the knife in and hurt you especially the pregnancy stuff and she knows she will be hurting you a lot with that. I highly doubt that her life is as happy as she is making out you already know she has lied about how she met her husband so what else is she lying about. It sounds like a bad case of you two have just grown apart over the years I would just forget about her and move on and be happy with your own life. Good luck with ttc it will happen when it's meant to so don't stress about it that will only make things worse. Hugs op.
She sounds like a dick. I think you should unfriend.
I think on paper she sounds mildly annoying and insecure. Nothing you've written about her strikes me as 'toxic' or unforgivable.
You also sound a bit jealous, which is perfectly understandable in the circumstances described.
How quickly do you respond to her messaging you? I would just get sloooower and slooooooower at it, and keep the messages short and vague.
Would guess her life isn't as rosy as she pretends.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP, especially when you're TTC and it's so all-encompassing and such an emotional time.
If you're worried about the ramifications of unfriending her, don't. But take a step back. If she messages on Whatsapp or Facebook or something where she can see if you've read the message don't open it immediately. Give it a day or two and then open it and respond with something short. So you're not doing anything to rock the boat but you're not engaging or getting into protracted conversations about things. It's very hard for her to drip drip drip into conversations with you when you're shutting her down / deliberately slowing the conversation. And if she ever mentions how quiet / slow to respond you've been you can just say you've been busy and not on your phone much or whatever.
I know some people will suggest making the break, but I hate confrontations and have basically done the above for a peaceful life. It's meant the woman who did similar to me ended up gravitating to someone else to blither on at because she wasn't getting an instant gratification response.
In the meantime, I know it's tough going but bear in mind, this woman is clearly threatened by you and thinks she needs to brag to show you how great she is in comparison to you. That's the behaviour of a deeply insecure woman. She's telling you how tight her vagina is FFS. That takes pissing competitions to a whole new level!
Congratulations on your house too
You Need to be careful That this doesn't end your other friendships as she sounds Like she could be very manipulative.
I'd have it out with her first and warn her if she doesn't change it's the end.
Falling out with a friend can be a major
Stress too so I would speak to her and cool it over time as supposed to a huge drama of blocking and becoming NC
GeekyWombat could not have said it any better. It does sound like it's increasing your stress levels a lot, this can affect your chances of TTC greatly...
I'd cut her out. But whilst you're doing so, just remember that you have a true and authentic life and she does not.
As much as it might look like she has it all and it all comes so easily to her, there are clearly very deep disatisfactions there for her to feel the need to compete and lie the way she does.
You are the lucky one.
(ps although the lying about meeting someone online is fair enough, some people do see online relationships as less 'valid' or real than those where people just met. And it wasn't an elaborate lie, "in a bar" is fairly innocuous.)
People like this are the reason I came off Facebook.
This sort of behaviour is so unhealthy. At the very least hide her from your timeline & distance yourself from her IRL. Her behaviour says so much more about her insecurities than it does about you. She's clearly jealous of you in some way.
Be proud that you've worked hard to get where you are with your DH & home etc, yes it may have taken you longer than her but you deserve it all the same.
I good luck in TTC
Yes there is an element of envy of course. Buying property getting married having a baby have come so easily for her. These have all been a battle for me. But I do accept as I said that we have different lives and are completely different people, be happy for them and focus on me and our life, not hers. There's also a part of me that knows she can't be particularly happy or secure in herself if she has to lie and brag like this.
You are right that I'm emotionally so stretched right now, it's taking all my strength to keep going and be strong when I'm hurting so much about not conceiving. It's like this person is the final straw - I don't have the mental capacity or strength to cope with her too right now.
It's not so much social media - she used to use that to tell her husband how much she loves him almost daily - but that went out of fashion and she doesn't use it much anymore.
It's having to get together with her with our group of friends that I find so hard, and when she messages or emails me at work.
Geekywombat I am the same with confrontation - it stresses the hell out of me so maybe I just need to keep ignoring as many of you suggest and take longer and longer to reply and shorter replies.
I am worried about the impact on other friendships - I have spoken separately to the other girls about how she makes me feel and they said they know what I mean. They are at slightly different points in their lives and don't have as much for her to compete with. I think if I'm really honest too I think this person knows it gets to me more. I need to learn not to rise to it, but how do you do that?
What about the road thing. I really can't face living on the same road as her. Can I ask her not to buy on our road?
I actually know a lot of people like this and the way I have dealt with them is to unfollow if they are upsetting or simply annoying me (they won't know) and when she says things like this say something breezy like oh I'm really happy for you that's great then change the subject, or if it's a question about material things you've mentioned then just say oh I have no idea to be honest, those sort of things aren't really important to me. You'll soon find out if she is deliberately trying to hurt you as if you show her you're not bothered then she'll either reduce or stop or continue as normal and if she does that then it's just who she is and nothing personal. Either way it's a win win. Some people tell people everything about their lives assuming everyone is interested but they aren't trying to hurt you, they are just insensitive. It can sting when life happens so easily for others but it's on the surface, no one knows what is really happening. Try and focus on your own joy in your new house and I hope that things go well on the ttc front.
Another thing that occurs to me is if we ever do conceive she will not be someone I want to be anywhere near as a new mum. She bragged about her baby sleeping through the night at 4 weeks! Her baby is a perfect angel who never cries etc etc etc... I feel like I'm protecting myself from future pain and irritation by getting this person out of my life!
In life we all change, if you're even having to ask I would just do it, or possibly unfollow so you don't have her stuff coming up. What might be an issue, is if you've been friends as a group and she has the personality you describe, she may create a scene.
I went through my 20's reengaging with school friends, the longest lasted 5 years maybe, but every second with her I was screaming inside. They all assumed the role of best friend, even saying you're like the sister I never had, but all buggered off as we had different values, plus there came a time where I couldn't lend money or pay for expensive days out. So I think they preferred my bank balance not me.
You're better off having friends where there's mutual value, than having a lot of friends who take physically/emotionally but would never return the favour.
So unfollow, if it's likely the cause an argument or delete if you think you can get away unnoticed. Another way would be using a different SM platform instead of FB.
She sounds deperately insecure to me, and I think she is boasting (and thus putting you down) to make herself feel better about her life. I'd put money on her being very envious of you.
I'd do the easing of contact thing. Take longer to respond. Don't answer anything you don't want to. Short replies.
She won't buy on your road. She's just saying that to wind you up.
She does these things because she knows it gets to you so don't show her that it does. A non-commital 'that's nice' or 'oh really' will do.
She sounds very insecure, I would unfriend her, and meet up with the others, she does not sound like your friend.
Sometimes two people just rub each other up the wrong way. It seems to be the case here...I know it's hard but try to stop focusing on how easy life has been for her and carry on with yours through all the good and bad times. You will never know the truth about her life so why worry about the small stuff
You can't ask her not to buy on the same road. And if she's deliberately doing these things to annoy you then you are giving her more ammunition.
Just reduce the contact. When she messages you take a while to reply and make your replies brief. She will eventually get the message. Although she sounds thick skinned so it may take a while.
What was your relationship like before she met her husband and had the baby?
What rocketqueen said.
Life is too short to let people like this sap your energy. Agree with pp that there is no doubt her life is not that perfect.
The term 'frenemy' is perfect here. Good luck with unfriending.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.