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to be annoyed that people don't understand that I don't have a gender preference?

(40 Posts)
TheNewMrsGerardButler Thu 02-Feb-17 11:46:32

Let me preface by saying that I'm heavily pregnant, uncomfortable and generally fed up.

I'm sick of people not understanding that I do not have a preference on gender. I'm due in 3 weeks with DC1 and we decided very early on not to find out what we're having. For us, it was part of the excitement to wait until the birth. This is something else people seem to have an issue with and seem very opinionated that it was silly not to find out so we can be prepared hmm Yes, because clearly there are no gender neutral items available to buy in shops. If others want to find out the sex, that's great for them and I'm happy for them but we both wanted a surprise this time.

Anyway, a friend I haven't seen for a while came over yesterday. She's very black and white in her opinions, and can only see her own point of view. Obviously, it came up in conversation about the baby's sex. She could NOT understand that I genuinely do not have a preference on whether the baby is a boy or girl. It simply does not matter to us. We'll be happy to have a son or daughter and our main concern is that our child is happy and healthy. Oh but we MUST have a stronger desire for one or the other. NO, I really do not. This went on for 15 minutes and I just kept repeating "No, I don't have a preference either way".

AIBU to be annoyed that some people can't get that I don't have a gender preference? I'm prepared to be told I'm being hormonal grin

SingingInTheRainstorm Thu 02-Feb-17 11:48:58

It's totally understandable in lots of circumstances a healthy baby is all you desire. I know it's a crazy concept that you don't really want either sex, just a baby. Try and ignore it if you can. It's probably escalated too with hormones plus added discomfort.

Hope everything goes well.

TheNewMrsGerardButler Thu 02-Feb-17 11:51:05

Let me preface by saying that I'm heavily pregnant, uncomfortable and generally fed up.

I'm sick of people not understanding that I do not have a preference on gender. I'm due in 3 weeks with DC1 and we decided very early on not to find out what we're having. For us, it was part of the excitement to wait until the birth. This is something else people seem to have an issue with and seem very opinionated that it was silly not to find out so we can be prepared hmm Yes, because clearly there are no gender neutral items available to buy in shops. If others want to find out the sex, that's great for them and I'm happy for them but we both wanted a surprise this time. I think its great that things have advanced enough that people can find out, but that doesn't mean that every expectant parent on that planet SHOULD or WANTS to know!

Anyway, a friend I haven't seen for a while came over yesterday. She's very black and white in her opinions, and can only see her own point of view. Obviously, it came up in conversation about the baby's sex. She could NOT understand that I genuinely do not have a preference on whether the baby is a boy or girl. It simply does not matter to us. We'll be happy to have a son or daughter, and our main concern is that our child is happy and healthy. Oh but we MUST have a stronger desire for one or the other. NO, I really do not. This went on for 15 minutes and I just kept repeating "No, I don't have a preference either way". She just didn't understand.

AIBU to be annoyed that some people can't get that I don't have a gender preference? I'm prepared to be told I'm being hormonal grin

TheNewMrsGerardButler Thu 02-Feb-17 11:52:16

Added a sentence on but didn't realise the first one had posted, sorry.

octonuddle Thu 02-Feb-17 11:53:59

I had the opposite! I was the only person in my NCT class to find out in advance and people were amazed like I was ruining some big surprise. I'll admit, I was taken aback with some of the vehemence of the objections to this and questioned if I was some kind of nut for wanting to be prepared. Two years on and expecting dc2 I will find out this time too and to be honest couldn't care less what people think! I think EVERYONE has to have an opinion on things like this....just smile and ignore and enjoy your surprise!

FourKidsNotCrazyYet Thu 02-Feb-17 11:56:21

I think most people don't actually have a preference, most people want a healthy baby. A lot of people do however try to make polite baby orientated conversation. Your friend sounds like an idiot.

DailyFaily Thu 02-Feb-17 11:56:47

I had the opposite experience to you - lots of people telling me that it's far nicer to wait until the birth to find out the sex the baby otherwise it spoils the surprise. I was quite taken aback by how many people openly told me this despite the fact I had just told them that I had chosen to find out my bays sex at the 20 week scan; it was almost like I'd 'cheated' or somehow opened my birthday present early. I did point out that I still got a surprise, I just got it earlier than the birth! Lesson is - as far as parenthood is concerned people are judgmental no matter what you do so you may as well please yourself - hope the final weeks of your pregnancy go quickly OP

DailyFaily Thu 02-Feb-17 11:57:22

Haha, cross post with octonuddle, not just me then!

ClaraLane Thu 02-Feb-17 11:58:20

We'll be finding out what we're having and the amount of people who are shocked by this is doing my bloody head in! I hate surprises, always have and always will. The only person who's agreed with me is my Nan and one colleague, everyone else is determined that I'm "ruining the surprise".

I'm not finding out so we can buy shedloads of blue or pink stuff, I just want to know! I've thought from the beginning that I'm carrying a girl but I genuinely don't care what we have, I just want to know. People seem to think we're finding out because we have a preference when in fact that's not true at all.

I don't think YABU at all, some people have such a blinkered world view that they can't understand when other people choose to do things differently!

FeliciaJollygoodfellow Thu 02-Feb-17 11:59:44

People are so weird aren't they?

Next time, just give a quizzical look and explain you're hoping for a puppy grin

(Not really, just say you don't care.)

AllTheBabies Thu 02-Feb-17 11:59:47

People do struggle to believe you don't care. I'm pregnant with number 3 and already have two girls. The general opinion is that we must want a boy but actually we don't mind. We found out a few days ago and turns out its another dd. I'm delighted but not telling anyone as I can't be arsed with any comments.

I don't equate finding out the sex with having a preference either way though, Im just a bit of a planner and don't like surprises.

Spikeyball Thu 02-Feb-17 12:02:02

We found out because we could. Logically you get what you get so having a preference is pointless.

Namesarehard Thu 02-Feb-17 12:02:59

We found out on all 3 of ours during the scans but I genuinely had no preference. We had our son first, our second was a girl 16 months later. The amount of people that commented "perfect " "one of each" "don't have a year more now" "you're lucky" etc was rediculous. I honestly wouldn't have minded having two boys or two girls. Made no difference to us at all. People were rude like it ment more. It didn't.
We had our 3rd child when the oldest two were 11 & 12. Again comments on "why, you have one of each" etc. People are just rude.

alltouchedout Thu 02-Feb-17 12:18:00

People are weird. When I was pregnant with ds3 and would tell people who asked that we were having another boy, 9 times out of 10 they would go on and on about how disappointed I must be and that I must wish he was going to be a girl. They'd ask "are you going to keep trying for a girl?" I hadn't bloody tried for ds3- he was a surprise baby ffs.

BarbarianMum Thu 02-Feb-17 12:22:00

A slight aside, but how does finding out the sex of your baby 'prepare' you? What are you suppposed to do differently?

TheNewMrsGerardButler Thu 02-Feb-17 12:22:40

Why do people care so much if the parents want to find out or not!? Sorry some of you have had negative opinions about wanting to find out. I can actually understand why some find out. One person I know found out because her mother has cancer and they're waiting for a prognosis so it gave them some good news to celebrate. Another woman found out because she lost a baby girl six months into pregnancy and wanted to know as it would give her time to deal if she was expecting another girl (thankfully had a healthy baby boy last week). Some find out just because they want to. It's all down to personal circumstances. For us, we both just decided it was more fun for us to wait until birth. Next baby, I'll probably find out. I just don't get why some people feel so strongly about another person's pregnancy angry

Yeah, I'm hormonal today grin

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 02-Feb-17 12:22:49

It can work the other way... I know someone who was told they were having a boy - turned out to be a girl. So it was a complete and total surprise, not that they really cared one way or the other!

Just resulted in a lot of blue clothes going back to the shop.

TheNewMrsGerardButler Thu 02-Feb-17 12:27:24

Barbarian According to my friend, it's so I can 'prepare' by getting pink or blue clothes (I love newborns in white anyway), decorating a pink or blue nursery (baby will be in with us anyway and even when we decorate its room, it won't be all pink or blue), I can give people ideas on what to get for baby (I don't expect anything from anyone, will appreciate anything we are given and if it matters so much to others, they can get something after baby arrives) and so I can decide on a name (a boys name was sorted before TTC and we've got a shortlist for a girl so can decide when its born).

Hellochicken Thu 02-Feb-17 12:29:30

Your friend is strange to keep on asking!
My top tip is you have to let other people opinions/criticism pass you by.

Sometimes when someone says something which is their opinion and not my, already stated, opinion - I actually imagine it going over my head.

HotWellies Thu 02-Feb-17 12:31:33

People are weird. We found out the gender- DH wanted to for reasons I am not clear on, and I didn't really care either way about finding out or not for reasons I am also not clear on (I knew anyway... or at least I was completely convinced DS would be a boy). I did have a couple of people say how sad it is he is a boy because boys 'leave their mothers when they get married'. Which I found - well - odd.

I would reply to your 'friend' (who sounds like a right pain in the arse) ; 'Why? Do YOU have a preference as to what gender my baby is?' and see her flounder. People just sort of say things without thinking too much about it sometimes.

MycatsaPirate Thu 02-Feb-17 12:32:08

I didn't have the option when I had my first, she's 18 and they wouldn't tell you the gender (in case they got it wrong) so I had no option but to wait. And I really didn't want to know anyway.

When I had DD2 the amount of people who said 'oh you must really want a boy to complete your family' left me baffled. I'm one of four girls so I assumed I'd be having another (I did) as my sister has three girls and another has a girl. We seem to be a family full of girls. It made no odds to me if it was a boy or a girl.

Then you get 'will you be trying for a boy now?' Errr no. I wanted two children and I have two children. Just because neither has a penis doesn't mean I'm going to keep popping out babies!

People can be very opinionated over other peoples pregnancies! I am however extremely good at guessing gender looking at bumps. I have a 100% success rate.

octonuddle Thu 02-Feb-17 12:33:34

Barbarian, I thinks it's more a mental preparation. Like pp, I'm not a huge fan of surprises generally in life...knowing just gives me one less thing to ponder over. We only have to worry about names for one sex, we can decide on whether to keep DD1s clothes or need to buy more boy clothes (I'm not a big girls in pink boys in blue supporter but we definitely have lots of cute dresses that I wouldn't put on a boy). Just things like that.

ExConstance Thu 02-Feb-17 12:34:32

My sons are grown up now. I didn't want to know what sex they were and asked not to be told at the 12 week scans, though I sort of got the idea DS2 was a boy because I was told the baby was "splendid" which for me sort of gave it away. The thrill of meeting my first baby and the excitement of not knowing boy or girl made me feel it was like a very painful Christmas. It was very special. The baby clothes I got were yellow, white and some very bright prints.

Raines100 Thu 02-Feb-17 12:36:01

I had 2 boys and then a girl. With my third pregnancy, almost everybody commented that I must be hoping for a DD. I wasn't having that. I hated that anyone might think I was disappointed with a 3rd DS. Anyway, I did such a good job of convincing everyone that I would love another boy that people thought I was disappointed when I got my girl- really I was bloody delighted!

doleritedinosaur Thu 02-Feb-17 12:37:05

I'm 35 weeks with DC2 & keep getting "oh you must want a girl" etc due to DS but I don't give a flying rat's ass.

I just want a healthy baby, have lots of unisex baby gros from DS & after the amount of effort to get pregnant & this far one more comment is going to make me explode.
So I understand the hormonal element haha.

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