AIBU to do this?(69 Posts)
I met a 'friend' who's DD has the same needs as my DD. Both going through assessments for various things, my DD is an age delay where friends DD she says is more autistic. So these 2 are a year apart and love dolls, babies etc which they can not play with with their peers. My DD is nearly 12. Anyways, my DD loves this that little girl. Bought her a BFF neckless for Christmas and the other DD stays here at least twice a month usually for the whole weekend. She sometimes pops in for dinner on the odd occasion. This has been going on since probably 4/5 months. Possibly longer. Now my DD classes this girl as her best friend. And when she is here she says DD is her best friend. Neither girl has any friends in their school so they really are only friends.
So this morning I see on my friends FB that she had meeting about her DD and someone was replying to her, you know just usual chat, then I see that she put "No they don't understand DD. She has NEVER been invited for dinner, she never goes to birthday parties or sleep overs. No one likes her and she has literally NO friends! It's sad when I see her cry on her own because she's socially awkward. All she wants is a friend to call her own. To be able to take her for a sleepover. One day maybe"
Ok so I'm now thinking, me and DD have obviously took this friendship differently than them. My DD is obviously to invested. Or is she just down playing it for the sake of the assessment she is going through? So because she said this now I think have it the way you said it. She won't come back. I won't open my house to her again. I know I sound petty but it's really pissed me off. Haven't spoken to DH about it yet.
AIBU to stop her coming? And just cut contact? My DD has her own needs and I would rather her invest herself in another friendship than this one that is clearly one sided. Maybe the DD doesn't feel that way towards my DD either?
Maybe this should have been a WWYD post. But I suppose I already have it in me to cut all contact with them both. Sick of her down playing their friendship while I'm like my DD LOVES your DD so maybe I'm just up playing it cause DD never had a friend before? So am I being unreasonable? To hasty? DD begged me last night to let other DD stay at the weekend. Saw this status as I was about to message about a sleepover. Am I taking it out on the DD's? AIBU to them? Is it my problem with the friend/mum?
See I would have to comment on that fab post...probably not the adult thing to do but still
I can understand why you're upset but I'd try not to take it too personally. Have you never had one of those days where you feel like the whole world's against you and everything is just too hard? It sounds like she was having a particularly dark moment and posted it on Facebook.
I personally would message her and say that you've seen her status and you want her to know her daughter always has a friend in your daughter. It would be a real shame for your daughter to lose her best friend over this.
Surely she's obviously talking about being excluded by children in school, her peers in class, not your dd
Its not about you or the other mum. If your dds are friends then why would you stop inviting her?
Yabu- when you're autistic you can feel very alone despite being with people. You can say you have no friends because you don't have that hallowed group of friends that is rammed down your throat on tv or at school and it's very lonely. It doesn't always mean she literally has no friends but that she recognises she is different to her peers and that makes her feel lonely. I said the very same thing and still do sometimes because people find that easier to understand than I feel lonely and different (whereupon they will tell you you're not)
The mother may also buy into the need for a group of friends because she sees all her daughters peers in groups and interpret that as having no friends.
I get that you feel rejected on your daughter's behalf and perhaps it's worth commenting that your daughter thinks of her daughter as a best friend but it may also just bile that the mother is venting her frustration and disappointment at how sad and lonely her daughter is feeling. I really can't articulate how lonely that is effectively.
Also, its the mother your annoyed at, not her dd. It would be mean to upset both girls over lYour upset with mother.
Gizlotsmum comment away. Technically you already have, contradicting comment there.
Purple well I was with her yesterday and she said the same thing to someone else in front of me so I said to her that she has my DD and they do play together and have a great friendship. To which she went to town with her other friend about my exaggerated view on our DD's r/ship. So it's not the first time she has said this view.
I have ignored other comments she has said in the past about their r/ship. As it was clearly early days but having her DD as often as we do I thought them early days would be over now?
This girl's Mother is thinking of school OP. Not of your DD. She's thinking of ALL the girls in school who don't make friends with her DD.
Don't make it about you.
She is referring to school. My DS has one friend like like you describe but the children in his class at school never invite him to parties/social events & it hurts him a lot.
He has an asd.
I know I'm being unreasonable to the DD's but I have this feeling that friend is just maybe making her DD symptoms worse (she has been turned down for having any ASS/ADHD/AUTISM twice already so this is friends last shot at getting her DD diagnosed) a lot rides on her DD getting diagnosed this time. Friend has said these things so many times and maybe I have invested all of me and my DD into her and her DD?!
Maybe I take friendship differently than they do? I know all about the social situations, The loneliness, the awkward feelings. Trust me. I know. But I wouldn't make a play to down trod a great friendship. Maybe I saw things differently? Yes I realise after creating post that I AM BEING U but I just needed to vent. Vent and think.
I think that she might be talking in broader terms about school maybe? Perhaps there have been issues with other children and your friend is feeling particularly down? I would phone her and have a chat - things are always easier to talk about, and then you would know.
Don't make it about me ?
Why not? Because I go out of my way every time the DD stays around? That I buy everything she may need or want. That I go out of my way to make sure she has an amazing time here. That I went out of my way every time she came around and I go out of my way to make the friend feel comfortable and be there for her? So I'm being selfish because I'm thinking about me?! I'm allowed too ...
If she had said 'apart from this one friend' then ok. If she hadn't said it before. Ok. But it's like a constant thing. She hasn't just said it once and said it in front of me. So I am annoyed. Because I'm a way I've invested in this too. I've invested time and tears and late late nights. Even when I've been on my feet for 18 hours my door is still open when I'm needed. So maybe I'M the one that's hurt.
She is playing it down to make things look worse for a diagnosis. I wouldn't take it to heart, you are clearly defensive.. look how you answered giz's post above! Try reading things the right way.
Please don't take this out on you DD and her friend. The other mother is clunkily trying to get others to understand her DD and behaved really badly, but be the bigger person and continue to nurture the relationship for your DD.
And vent away here- it's horrible to feel so dismissed.
Maybe is she directing it more at school but I was stood there. So she would see my face and remember my DD. As I said, she downplays it. Majorly. Maybe she needs to for this assessment. I'll just leave my vent at this and leave it here. I'll still invite the DD this weekend. Just not invest everything into this.
For whatever reason, the mum clearly feels very alone and unsupported. That might not literally be the case (it sounds like you have done a lot to encourage the friendship between your girls) but have you honestly never felt like you're on your own, even though logically you know you're not. It must be extremely stressful trying to get a diagnosis when you've been turned down before but know something's wrong.
What is your comment to Gizlotsmum about OP?
Does your dd go to their house for sleepovers, dinners etc??
It sounds to me like she is using you. If the girls aren't all that friendly from her perspective why is she letting her daughter stay over so much?
I would take a step back and let the girls meet for a playdate but make sure they are reciprocal.
Gizlotsmum comment away. Technically you already have, contradicting comment there.
OP, you've misunderstood Gizlotsmum. She meant she would have commented on the FB post.
Also, does your friend ever have your DD over for the weekend and for dinner? If not, that's quite a one sided friendship in itself.
I am defensive. Massively so. Because I know I've put so much into this for my friend and the DD's. My DD has never been invited there or ever been took out by friend. I do everything. Literally everything. And it probably annoys me because I know she's having to do it for a diagnosis but if her DD was that bad then she wouldn't need to lie or exaggerate ?! I'm at work so cant call DH or anyone to talk to and I'm going to be seeing the friend later on no doubt at a meet we go to. So needing to vent it out.
I agree with the others that she's referring to school as hurtful as it seems to you.
Personally I wouldn't stop her DD from coming to your house. In fact I would have already spoken to her about the comments on FB. Let her explain herself.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.