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AIBU?

6 months of effort on myself and husband still not interested

56 replies

DiannaMorthphine · 01/02/2017 16:50

Got married around two years ago. He was never overly affectionate but if I hinted enough, he'd make the effort. Sex dried up around 9 months into the marriage - basically I was always instigating it and 70% of the time I'd get rejected. After a while I stopped bothering to instigate thinking that he would then step up but he didn't - we just ended up having sex once in a blue moon and that would be after I'd instigated it through pure frustration.

I tried talking to him and he would always maintain that nothing was wrong, he was happy etc etc - just "tired".

Anyway I got fed up of it in the end, I'm in my mid 30s. I wanted to feel wanted, sexy, attractive etc and I was missing the intimacy and affection so much.

Anyway I decided that if he didn't want me, I'd work on wanting myself and THEN he would want me (and I suppose sub consciously I thought that if he didn't, someone else would).

It's been 6 months of healthy eating, exercise, pursuing my own hobbies etc - feel great, look great - my confidence is great, however he still doesn't seem to notice me.

I'm flogging a dead horse right? Or is it normal for a bloke in his 40s to go off intimacy and affection?

I feel like we're just mates, staying married because twice a year we have a great holiday together. Honestly, our entire lives seem to centre around our travelling which is nice - but I can no longer ignore the fact that the rest of the year is spent "living with a mate".

AIBU to consider divorce? He doesn't think anything is wrong. I've tried talking to him, he says it's all in my head and he can't understand what I'm upset about as we "always have sex".

I love him but I don't want to live like this. I'm craving affection from a man and I'm worried that if the situation presented itself, I'd be tempted.

OP posts:

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ImperialBlether · 01/02/2017 16:53

You're flogging a dead horse, yes. Now that you're feeling great (in all other ways) it would be a good time to part. You need to find someone who thinks you're great and wants an intimate life.

I'd be surprised if he wasn't a porn fiend, btw.

DiannaMorthphine · 01/02/2017 16:55

Just to add, we have no kids together, just older teens/adults. No financial concerns, both work, I'm not overweight or anything that could be suddenly putting him off - it just seems like he can't be arsed with that side of our relationship anymore, for no other reason than it's too much effort.

E.g. If I go to bed at 11ish and suggest he comes with me he'll say he wants to watch the news and he'll stay downstairs until we're both too tired. If we get the house to ourselves and I playfully suggest making the most of it, he'll say there is too much housework to catch up on.

Always an excuse. Always something he wants to do more.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 01/02/2017 16:57

Yep agree with PP.
Could be a porn addict.
They get very desensitized to relationships and real life.
Even if it's just his sex drive.
He won't address it so you are very mismatched.
You are discovering yourself and realising you want and need more.
So yes, get out there and grab it.
This guy will never fulfill you and you know it.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2017 17:02

The thing is you've given it two years and nothing's improved. For him to say he'd rather do the housework than go to bed with you is insulting.

formerbabe · 01/02/2017 17:05

Oh gosh... Honestly, you're only in your 30s...I'd be running like the wind.

Blinkyblink · 01/02/2017 17:08

Holiday and sex aside, what is the relationship like on a daily basis?

DameDeDoubtance · 01/02/2017 17:10

Start afresh, you may even be able to stay friends. Time to strike out on your own.

handslikecowstits · 01/02/2017 17:15

Is there the possibility that he's gay? Just a thought.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2017 17:16

Does he want sex on holiday?

Surreyblah · 01/02/2017 17:17

Time to leave!

Olswitcharoo · 01/02/2017 17:24

It doesn't sound right for a man or a woman to not want sex in the slightest. Could it be hormonal? Depression? Did anything happen 9 months in? How often do you have sex? I mean, you may want it 5 times a week when he wants it 1, or you may want it 12 times a year and he wants it twice. How big is the divide?

RayofFuckingSunshine · 01/02/2017 17:25

That level of mismatched (no matter the reason) when one partner isn't prepared to help make an effort is not worth it. Leave and find someone who does want to have sex with you, I guarantee there will be plenty

Olswitcharoo · 01/02/2017 17:28

A lot of these replies are a bit

Yamadori · 01/02/2017 17:30

Does he have an undiagnosed medical condition that might be causing it?

redrosered · 01/02/2017 17:33

I thought maybe he is secretly gay or porn addict.. Your still young, go and enjoy your life.. Rejection is the worst xx

Astoria7974 · 01/02/2017 17:35

Was he attracted to you in the beginning though? Some people, especially as they get older, tend to compromise attraction if they can get a stable relationship out of it. Sorry to say this but it sounds like this might have happened to you.

Trollspoopglitter · 01/02/2017 17:36

When did it change? Have you always "hinted" so oddly? I must admit If my husband went to bed at 11 and suggested I come with him, I assumed he wanted us to fall asleep together so he didn't wake me coming to bed later - not because he was trying to initiate sex. I also need to mentally relax - if there's a list of chores to be done, I prioritise them as "responsible" stuff before "fun" stuff in my head. Maybe he needs to kick in the arse to make a conscious effort.

Are things good on holidays? Why don't you take weekend breaks away from home more often and see if you can reconnect?

joystir59 · 01/02/2017 17:37

Is he gay?

Trollspoopglitter · 01/02/2017 17:38

Gah, sorry for incoherent post - must not try to multitask while posting.

Trollspoopglitter · 01/02/2017 17:39

"Is he gay?"

Yes. Yes he is, and the OP has come here asking for suggestions on how to make her gay husband to pleasure her more often.

Katy07 · 01/02/2017 17:40

Some people just have naturally low sex drives.... If he was 'never overly affectionate' before then it's not that much of a surprise that he doesn't bother much / at all now. And that ties in with him saying you "always have sex" - maybe to him it feels like more than enough sex? Okay that doesn't help the OP long-term but I think it's worth bearing i mind rather than just he's gay or a porn addict. I'd have thought that marriage counselling together might be a good first step so that you're being open about both your needs and wants. And that might lead to divorce being a logical progression... But at least you've found out what the issue really is first.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 01/02/2017 17:40

joystir that was my first thought. He may just have a low libido but if you are mismatched in that respect I can't see it working long term. Ultimately you will look for the attention elsewhere and then everyone ends up more hurt than they need to be. I'd end things sooner rather than later

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seafoodeatit · 01/02/2017 17:43

There is clearly more to this than meets the eye, he either :

always had a very low sex drive but was keen to hide before.

has some sort of problem, maybe erectile dysfunction and he's too embarrassed to admit to it.

something is causing a lot of stress in his life/suffering from something like depression and his libido.

Is addicted to porn

is having an affair, either physical or emotional

it could be something completely different , there are many things it could be but it's so long that you've been dealing with this, if he refuses to engage with you and try to get to the bottom of this then you're more then justified to leave.

user1484578224 · 01/02/2017 17:43

bit quick to jump in with the gay/porn thing IMO

alltouchedout · 01/02/2017 17:45

For God's sake a man can not want sex without being a porn fiend or secretly gay! Some people just aren't that bothered.
OP, if he doesn't get why you're unhappy would he (and you) consider counselling?

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