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To ask for some help

(26 Posts)
SistersOfPercy Wed 01-Feb-17 09:53:13

I know this is the wrong place so IBU for that alone, but I need some help and this board has more traffic.

On Monday my lovely wonderful 80 year old mum collapsed and died. I still can't believe it's real. She had been so fit for her age so it was a complete shock and something I'm still struggling to process myself.

When she died she was walking her beloved little dog. He was her life. After my dad died a few years ago she was lonely and felt she had no purpose and this little dog gave her a new lease of life. He was spoiled rotten, walked miles a day and generally pampered by her.

He's currently here with me, and this is where I need help. I'm not sure if dogs grieve but what he is doing appears that way. He cries by our front door as if he wants to go home. We have a dog of our own whos a similar size, he pesters him to play occasionally but mums dog is disinterested and eventually snaps at him to go away.
The crying is by far the biggest issue. Last night he cried solidly from midnight to about 4am. He was in the kitchen with our dog, we can't shut the door as if we did he scratches the life out of it so we put up a child gate. This means he's loud.

We've tried him in different rooms, with my daughter, with us. All has the same ending. He cries.

He wants to go home, he doesn't understand and my heart breaks for him. Wise MNetters, how can I help him?

Trifleorbust Wed 01-Feb-17 10:04:16

First, sorry to hear about your mum flowers

Second, I have no especially useful advice other than saying this won't last more than a few days. He will get used to his new home eventually. Be patient if you can!

lapetitesiren Wed 01-Feb-17 10:06:14

Is taking him to visit his home an option so he can investigate and know that she is no longer there. Do you know their walks?could you take him? Can you give him something that smells of her for comfort. Dog's grieve just like humans. It will get easier.

lapetitesiren Wed 01-Feb-17 10:06:40

So sorry for your loss .

FannyFifer Wed 01-Feb-17 10:06:48

Sorry for the loss of your mum.
Are you going to keep her wee dog?
He will gradually settle down I think, did he sleep on your mums bed? Would be maybe settle in your room with you?
Think will just take some time. X

greenmidgetgems Wed 01-Feb-17 10:07:21

So sorry about your mum flowers

Agree that you just have to give him time, he's missing your mum plus a strange house, another dog. It'll take a while but he will settle.

Take it easy yourself too, it's a hard time.

pudcat Wed 01-Feb-17 10:07:31

Can you let him have something of your Mum's that has her scent on it? A cardigan, a pillow that he can lay on, or a soft toy he can snuggle. Sorry for your loss.

Gardencentregroupie Wed 01-Feb-17 10:08:30

If you post in the Doghouse section of chat or get MNHQ to edit your title so it's more obviously about the poor dog, you'll get a lot of very knowledgeable responses. I'm very sorry about your mother flowers

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers Wed 01-Feb-17 10:08:55

I am so sorry about your mum flowers

Try asking for advice in the doghouse section. They are really experienced over there and will have some great advice.

xStefx Wed 01-Feb-17 10:10:58

Aw im so sorry OP, your mums poor dog too how sad for him. Has he got something of your mums to sleep on or cuddle? , perhaps her smell will comfort him. Yes I think they do grieve hun x

xStefx Wed 01-Feb-17 10:11:19

sorry pudcat didn't see your suggestion there x

PleaseNotTrump Wed 01-Feb-17 10:13:13

So sorry to hear about your mum.

I know people advise letting dogs see other dogs' bodies, so they understand they have died. Did he see your mum after she had collapsed and died? (I hope I'm not being insensitive asking that).

I agree with PP saying to give him something that smells of her.


gamerchick Wed 01-Feb-17 10:15:47

I agree about taking him home so he can investigate. Maybe a blanket from your mums bed he can sleep on at yours?

Poor thing. I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

MrsFrisbyMouse Wed 01-Feb-17 10:19:16

What about a hot water bottle wrapped in something (a blanket/sheet) from your Mum's house?

flowers flowers flowers

SistersOfPercy Wed 01-Feb-17 10:23:48

Thank you for all your thoughts.
He slept downstairs at home, amusingly mum never allowed him upstairs and as such he can't actually climb them. This always makes me smile.

I'm loathe to take him back there as I don't want to restart the cycle if that makes sense. I need to go over later so I'll grab him a Cardigan and see if that helps. He was stuck to my handbag last night and dh realised it was probably because her purse was in there.

please this is the bit that breaks my heart for him. He was there, the doctors think she was gone before she hit the ground as she didn't try and save herself. All through this she kept a tight grip on his lead. Even in death she looked after him.
Details are still a bit sparse for me but from what I gather a lady who knew mum as they also walked the dog there took him from her. A passer-by did cpr and the ambulance continued to do so. He'd have seen all that.
I'm struggling with that information myself so for him to watch must have been truly awful.

As for keeping him, for now yes, but not long term. We have a hectic house and a dog of our own. Mum always said to find him a home with someone who could be there with him all the time, spoil him and him be the only dog.
I want him to attend the funeral, he really was her life so only fitting he be there, then we are going to try and find someone amazing to love him.

StarsHollow123 Wed 01-Feb-17 10:56:09

I'm so sorry for you loss OP. I'm sure your mum would have been so proud of how much care you're taking with her little dog. A cardigan or similar is an excellent idea, if you could also collect his dog food, feeding/water bowls, bed and toys etc. Anything that can comfort him whilst he's with you and into his new home. Good luck and take care of yourself OP x

PJBanana Wed 01-Feb-17 11:02:08

Ahh OP I just want to express my sympathies. My grandma is exactly the same. Lost my grandad a couple of years ago and their beloved little dog the year later. She became very withdrawn and depressed until after about a year of grieving we bought her a new dog.

It was beautiful to watch, he is her absolute world and they have such a bond.

I agree with all the suggestions to get him some familiar things from home. Dogs do grieve too, it's only natural to wonder where their owner is. Time is a healer for dogs in the same way it is for humans.


Newtothis2017 Wed 01-Feb-17 11:43:30

I am sorry for your loss 💐 I definitely think dogs grieve. My dog minded my dgm when she was actively dying. My dog didn't leave her side until she was taken to the church. And afterwards she went through what I would call a grieving period. I hope you, your family and your dm's dog are ok💐

AstrantiaMajor Wed 01-Feb-17 11:58:31

I agree with something of your mum's like a cardigan. Also I would put her dog walking shoes with him as he probably will recognise the smell.

SistersOfPercy Thu 02-Feb-17 11:35:21

I've accidentally cracked it (the night problem at least).

It never occurred to me that although the dog had a basket he didn't really use it, he slept in my late Dads chair.
Last night at about half nine he took himself off into the hall, jumped on the padded blanket box we have and fell asleep. I put Mums cardi with him and he never moved or cried all night.

He's not keen on being left in the kitchen, (he created a merry hell last night when the undertaker was here). Problem is Mum was with him 24/7 so separation anxiety is definite problem. I only work part time for a few hours a day so I've been trying to get him used to being on his own a bit and popping him in there and closing the door. He does seem to be crying less in these periods.

I'd love to keep him. He's certainly here until the end of the month as the funeral wont be until at least then. Maybe if he does settle in well he'll just naturally stay. He's my last link to Mum so it's a hard decision to make.

Anyway, thanks all for the advice.

AstrantiaMajor Thu 02-Feb-17 12:16:50

Glad he has settled down a bit. Any photos?

maras2 Thu 02-Feb-17 13:40:19

We're not doggy people at all but theres not a dry eye in the Maras household.
flowers for your mum.RIP.

SistersOfPercy Thu 02-Feb-17 13:42:21

He's a good little thing really. And pretty cute smile

SistersOfPercy Thu 02-Feb-17 13:43:34

Thank you maras. Struggling a bit today. Keep going to pick up the phone to tell her something. Only child and no other close relatives makes it that bit harder.
DH and the kids are amazing though. We'll get through it.

MalletsMallets Thu 02-Feb-17 14:12:01

I am so sorry for your loss
I haven't got anything helpful to add, i do believe they grieve (i think all animals are much more complex than we give them credit). He's so handsome I can see why he held such a special place in your mums heart. Poor little mite, I hope you can bring some comfort to each other.

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