Dogs, sofa, husband, new baby .... AIBU(90 Posts)
DH is a lovely, just far, far too soft with his dogs IMO and its driving me mad.
Currently 8.5 month pregnant. Have said I do not want to the dogs (1 XXL and 1 L) on the (fabric) sofa or on our bed, because I will need places to be with the baby that I can feel are clean and hygienic for feeding and changing. I did also state this while we were in the shop looking at the sofa.
What I HAVE done is designate 2 large leather armchairs and buy huge beds to go at the foot of our bed so the dogs are comfortable and don't feel somehow punished. We live on a farm and the dogs run around in all sorts. Even when you wipe them down at the door their leather armchairs end up filthy and I clean with disinfectant wipes..... I cant do this is a fabric sofa!
Every morning I get up and DH has had dogs on the sofa. With the argument 'he's put a throw on' its my feeling this is training issue and the throw is irrelevant, I am fed up of having to nag at them to get the OFF sofa...while he keeps telling them they can get up I feel like I have to be on 'guard duty' and cannot leave the living room or house.
Happened AGAIN this morning, I must have asked 30 times, I was so fed up I did end up shouting, but I've asked, I've explained, I've reasoned, I've tried to compromise with the plush beds and armchairs. What else can I do!?!
Has anyone successfully trained DH in a similar matter? AIBU to ask for him to please just keep the dogs off the sofa so its clean for DS use?
No yanbu. I am a huge dog lover and can't wait till we're in a situation to get our own, but dogs are not people. Dogs are bottom of the pack and they never ever go on sofas.
Quite apart from the fact that it's not very hygienic it's also just not good training, especially for larger dogs.
What is his argument against?
Can you show him the advice regarding dogs and babies? It really is a bad idea to have them on sofas with newborns/small babies.
TheProblemofSusan ... this is my feeling too re training, it's confusing for them to have him letting them on while I'm out of the room and then for me to come in and start shrieking for them to get down.
You are absolutely not BU. And I say that as a dog lover with low cleanliness standards.
Yabu to change a baby on the bed though. If they piss or poo on it you'll have to change the linen. ;)
No really argument against scarydinosaurs he just hates seeing them be denied anything and feels sorry for them. .... which is why I have capitulated on the armchairs
UterusUterusGhali ah-haaaaa excellent point.
I will change on his side
oh no OP.
Is there an outbuilding you can put the dog furniture and dogs in. This can't be tolerated. Dogs in beds and on sofas, just no.
You'll have to put your foot down, he's ignoring you. He needs to know this isn't going to fly.
Yanbu and I say that as a dog lover
My friend has a (small) dog who is allowed on their leather sofa, but when the baby was very young he wasn't allowed to sit next to the adult holding the baby, or go near her play mat etc. Bless him he was good as good and clearly understood that the baby was above him in the pack, and accepted that. As she's got bigger the rules have relaxed slightly but the strictness in the early days mean he knows where both dog and baby are in the pack and respects that.
With big dogs you have to be that much more careful as they can hurt baby without meaning to. As well as the risk of any dog snapping. I think not having them on fabric sofas is very reasonable and your husband needs to respect that
Your DH is very disrespectful. It's your home too and it's fair enough to not want to share your sofa with two massive dogs.
Quite apart from the hygiene issue that you've identified, as PP says, it's really bad training. Dogs need to know their place. With a baby on the way, there is no room for any ambiguity. They need to know they are bottom of the pack. They'll be fine with that, it won't hurt their feelings if that's what DH is worried about, but they do need to know. It will be better for them as well because without clear boundaries, dogs can become very anxious. If they are unsure of their place within the pack they lose confidence (they know that they aren't in charge but they don't know who is). I'm sure someone with more dog knowledge than I would explain it better.
Dogs aside, it's a bit of a worry that your DH overrules you on something so reasonable and completely ignores your wishes. What does he say when you spell it out to him?
Massive dog lover here too but he's putting your feelings and needs below the dogs. Not good. Especially when you have compromised so much.
Personally I would go elsewhere for a night to a friend or relative or book s hotel for the night to shock him into seeing how upset and angry his ignoring your feelings has made you.
Nope. We live on a narrowboat with a massive hairy smelly lurcher. I'm terrified of weils disease coming In on his paws so he's been banished from sofa and beds too. DS is now 5 months and dog just about stopped trying to get up for a cuddle. He's only 18 months so do feel v sorry for him, going from being the baby to being relegated by the actual baby- but not sorry enough to risk DS getting sick.
It's also lovely not to he covered in dog hair constantly 😁
Also had to train DP on this issue. Basically I googled Weils disease in children, did some reading aloud , and problem solved.
It's completely unreasonable and disrespectful of him. If he's so ridiculous about this - and he's not willing to at least try - what else is he likely to do? What's the point of a partnership if the outcome of discussions and plans means he overrules you?
The pack stuff is nonsense but YANBU.
Did he agree with you when you were buying the sofa and the beds for the dogs? He really needs to start training them now, not when your baby arrives.
I'd say yabu about the sofa but yanbu about the bed. My dog goes on my sofa. She is a large dog and prefers to be able to get up as out of the way of the kids.
If you exclude the dog from the baby then you will have a whole other world of problems.
Please note my kids have no allergies and have never caught anything from my fabric sofa.
I am the one in this house who is always sneaking the dog onto the sofa for a snuggle, and using the "I put a throw on it" excuse, and DH does not approve. But I know I am in the wrong and I agree that you are absolutely definitely NOT BU. You can't have a big dog leaping up next to you on the sofa if you are trying to breastfeed a newborn, for example! They need to know that the "people sofas" are completely off limits, and it will take you all the remaining time you are pregnant to get this into their heads, even if you and your DH are both on board and working at it. They are lucky that they have their own sofas and beds in your bedroom! (my lurcher also has his own armchair!)
Perhaps show your DH this thread? Do some googling? Tbh I'd be more scared of accidents with a dog jumping on top of the baby by mistake, or snapping at it, than of diseases. Even the most lovely dogs can do unpredictable things, you just can't risk them sharing too much space with the baby.
Thank you ALL for the replies - I wont reply to each individually as don't want to bump thread count up and keep hogging 'trending'
DH overall is really lovely, is a huge help around the farm, is v excited for DS and does see my way on most things, it's just this, I just cannot get through to him. His argument is that the throw negates this as an issue altogether. Can't see its a training issue.
I did come down stairs yesterday and literally bellow at the biggest dog to get off the sofa - and DH said 'heyyyyy you shouldn't get so upset its not good for the baby' and this morning HE's EFING WELL PUT THEM ON THE SOFA!!!!!!
It really does boil my blood and its taken me a good hour to stop being in such a temper about it. I feel like I've asked, he's disregarded, I've made steps to compromise, still disregarded, I've explained as to why this is important FOR THE BABY, and still disregarded. This morning I was reduced to to shouting cos I'm effing well sick! (Hmmmmm maybe AM still in a temper) In fairness he has gone along with the bed thing, but the sofa thing he says I am inflexible.
....... I'm going to read up on weils disease
I let mine on the sofa but they're chihuahuas so not nearly as much of a problem.
I noticed from your OP that you refer to them as 'his' dogs. Do you not like them at all?
If they're used to being on the sofa you can't expect them to know not to go on the new one straight away, especially if you're letting them on the armchairs. They will not realise that all sofas are banned if you let them on some. You need to make a decision and stick to it.
I also agree with PP that your exclusion of the dogs from the baby completely will cause further problems down the road.
sadly dogs can seriously harm children without meaning to- it isn't their fault, it is us (as owners and parents) to stop it from happening.
If he has no argument against, I would be enraged at his "doesn't want to deny them anything" stance: happy to deny you though, isn't he!
When dd was born I had an xl dog. When I found out I was pregnant I banished him from the bed and bought him a new bed for the floor by me. I bought him a snuggly throw (because he was my baby) and let him have one leather arm chair. He was not allowed on the settee or to put his paws up anywhere. He got it almost straight away, because dh and I were consistent and firm. He got loads of cuddles and treats for being in the right places. I think YANBU. It's not like you're suggesting they only live in the shed.
I wouldn't cope living with someone where you couldn't have a conversation & come to some agreement over the problem. However, you are, so I would tell him that he is being massively unfair on the DOGS, it's confusing for them being allowed by him & shouted at by you. Tell him you do not want them on the beds or sofas, so you will keep making them get off, which isn't. I've fir them, somif HE wants to avoid getting the digs 'in trouble' all the time, then HE needs to keep them off as well.
However, they're so used to being allowed now, they'll probably sneak up when you both leave the room. It was massively stupid of him to allow them up on the new sofas when he knew your feelings, that would have been the ideal time to retrain them.
My friend has a greyhound, they allow it on their sofa. It gets up, standing on the sofa it turns around & around, lays down, then stretches and rearranges it's limbs all over you. It's seriously cute. However, it's a leather sofa & not mine to worry about.
laidbackmummy13 totally get what you are saying but we live on a farm.
The dogs run around in horse muck etc. No amount of wiping them down at the door is enough and often the hose is frozen on a morning so cant always hose down.
I should add I trust the dogs implicitly safety-wise in terms of snapping and biting, though one is a bit 'bouncy'... still wouldn't leave DS unattended when he arrives, it really is just hygiene for a newborn
YANBU. We have stopped the dogs (tiny chihuahuas) being on the couch. Aside from anything else, dog hair is grotty. I'd be concerned that if your Dh is letting the dogs get on the couch and then they're ignoring you then it will be an issue which will drive you mad.
(Get some terry towelling nappies off amazon, I put them folded under baby's bum when I change him and any accident/overspill whatever is caught without getting everywhere. They're also far superior to muslin cloths for having over your shoulder to catch sick. And if you get nappy nippers and a couple of waterproof covers then even if you've run out of disposable nappies at 3am on a Sunday, you've always got a back up plan.)
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