Please give me a few sarky one liners (MLM. Lighthearted)

[PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel]

A distant friend (we worked together 15 years ago) recently started popping up on my facebook news thingy recently. He also added a load of my friends.

I know why now. The MLM bug strikes again! He's putting the hard sell on a fair few of my friends, and they have blocked him.

He's now giving DH shit because he won't sign up. I have access to DH's facebook, and the pings are getting more and more agressive. DH is upset, but I'm finding it quite funny.

How do you answer people like this, who won't take "No" for an answer? I've had a fair few "amazing opportunities Hun" put my way, and "No" has always worked before! Mind you, people who know me know I have a more-than-passing acquaintance with the block button, and won't be pushed.

Sorry about the rant. Any foolproof methods of extinguishing these bots? (Besides blocking). Is there a special bot-spray or bot-paper?

Would one of those special candles work from b&q?

[PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel]

And please ignore any typos. It's the phone's fsult...not mine! 😂

[MissMrsMsXX]

What about this?

[FetchezLaVache]

Oooh - examples of aggressive pings, please!

[MissMrsMsXX]

Or this perfect one....

[MissMrsMsXX]

Ffs someone stop me.... I have shit to do.

[SmallBee]

Tell him you'll buy his crap if you can pay him in Facebook tat... Such as wine glasses dipped in glitter and a frame with scrabble tiles spelling out his name, because, y'know, small businesses should support one another.
Tell him you're allergic to whatever he's selling. (works best if it's something like usborne books)
Tell him you've love to but you prefer rival mlm scheme.
Tell him yes but you'll have to pay him in 1p monthly installments starting in 2019.
Tell him yes but you'll need to go without either gas or electric to afford it and can he recommend which one to give up?

[wettunwindee]

pictures say 1,000 words.

[PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel]

Examples? Ha! Ok, now I don't care about outing myself...I'm out on here anyway, in the sense that people could link at least one of my threads to my real identity- but am I allowed to name the cult company? It's relevant...

[PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel]

Smallbee I am HOWLING! 😂

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

This ?

[mrswhiplington]

My DSil was involved in Doterra essential oils MLM last year, she kept trying to flog them to us. Every time we resisted we got "but it's all natural", so I just used to say things like "Yes and so is arsenic / hemlock". She took the hint in the end and when she realised she was not making any money from it she decided to set up a legitimate business.

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

Ooh yes give us the name so we can tailor our insults suggestions

[BillSykesDog]

'Leave me alone you rancid bat faced cunt'

[ArmySal]

Bill's for the win.

[PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel]

Ok. Sorry MNHQ if this isn't allowed.

It's utility warehouse.

The agressive replies range from insinuating that DH is stupid for not wanting to "have more available money to feed his family", to- and this REALLY boiled my piss..."How can you trust the strangers who you give your money to each month for your gas/elec etc, yet don't trust me, a friend of Pop's, who has trusted me for over a decade, during a time she couldn't trust anyone, when I tell you I WILL save you money?

This stung and I have to admit to a few uncharictaristic tears- I feel (maybe it's just me) that he's using the things I confided in him (abuse) for his own gsins! The last line of this particular ping was something like "Pop trusts me, so why don't you make the decision? Or doesn't Pop trust you enough to do that?"

I have MASSIVE trust issues stemming from my childhood. Now I've just read that back I just think "fucking twunthorse!:

[PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel]

Bat faced cunt

[Lumberries]

I'm god awful to them

My fave was one who tried to sell me aloe vera shite for my dogs... I raw feed and I'm very acutely aware that aloe vera is quite highly toxic to dogs. She would not leave me alone despite me just ignoring her messages, so I led her on for aaaaages talking about how interested I was and how yes, I'd love to try it. I kept conveniently being "out" when she wanted to "pop round" for about 2 weeks, but over FB chat I let her think she'd completely convinced me that aloe vera was brilliant for my dogs health and that I was going to buy her entire range.

She posted me a "freebie" sample because i was so excited to try it... I got back to her a day later saying I'd ended up in the vets and my dog was really poorly, and that I'd then googled and found that aloe is actually toxic to dogs...

She went on to tell me how FL aloe vera is different and "special", totally safe for dogs and that it couldnt possibly be the reason why my dog was sick...

So i told her my dog died and went off on a huge tirade about how she was responsible and I could never forgive her.

Funnily enough I never heard form her again

[PopGoesTheFuckingWeasel]

Lumberries that's HORRIBLE! (Being fed a load of horseshit about AV being ok for dogs I mean, not what you did!)

[PlacidPenelope]

Dare I ask - what is utility warehouse/what do they do/offer?

[FetchezLaVache]

Oh, but it's probably all right - after all, one bot assured me that some fucken vitamin supplement would cure DS's autism...

[Giddyaunt18]

What is MLM?

[Lumberries]

pop no no, what I did was pretty bloody awful too! In my defense, at this point she'd also ripped off one of the mums of our mutual friend who she was very aware was in the early stages of dementia... she told her aloe could help with memory problems and brain function :(

[BillSykesDog]

Tell him that Pops said he was a boss eyed crocodile looking spiv and never to trust him.

Tell him you never feed your kids anything but 50p bags of oven chips and turkey twirlers from Iceland and broken biscuits from B&M bargains so you don't need more money to feed them. Tell him if he saved you money you'd only use it to feed your massive crack and meth habits so you'd rather not.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Tell him you are planning to live off grid generating electricity by extracting the methane from the bullshit he is posting.

[MycatsaPirate]

Christ, we had someone from UW hound us for ages, trying to get DH to sign up as an agent. Just relentlessly emailing, messaging, texting. She drove us mental.

Had to delete and block her in the end.

Utility Warehouse is basically trying to tell people that you can get really cheap utilities - phone, gas, elec, mobiles, tv, broadband etc - but you have to sign up loads of people because each one you sign up only pays like 20p a month or something ridiculous. Again, it's those at the top making money with everyone else scrabbling for coppers.