To expect to be able to holiday WITHOUT hubby's family???

[summerof69notts]

Briefly...

Hubby is very close to his family (2 sisters and dad - mum died 18 months ago). My family is different - while we're all happy to spend time together we don't live nearby and we don't live in each other's pockets. While I knew when we first met that he was close to his family - it was one of the first things he told me - I didn't realise I was marrying the whole bunch of them!

Before we met he always went on holiday with his mum and dad, and often his sisters and their kids (and sometimes partners) would join them.

In the five years we've been together we've had a couple of short breaks just me, him and our LG - other than that we have a 3 week holiday with his parents every year (obviously, last year it was just his dad, which actually made me feel very left out much of the time) - if we go on any short breaks he always asks his dad and his sisters 'as he doesn't want anyone to feel left out'.

This year his sister and 3 kids are joining us for the 3 week holiday - there won't be enough room in his dad's caravan for all of them so it was decided (no discussion with me) that one of the kids will sleep in our tent for the whole 3 weeks - as well as travelling with us as there won't be enough room for them all in his dad's car.

When I tried to point out that I would actually like some space on holiday when we're not all together - i.e. at night time at least and wasn't happy about the extra child in our tent, let alone it had all been decided without asking me first - he went off on one, and we've not been able to discuss it since.

Then last week I suggested going away for a couple of days (meaning just us) and he turns round and says 'I'll ask dad and the girls if they to come...'

It now appears his dad IS coming - albeit with his own caravan - but as yet I'm unsure about how many sisters / kids - and therefore what the sleeping arrangements will be, although I have a fucking good idea!!!

AIBU in wanting to go away alone, just the three of us at times - or at the very least having that space at the end of the day in our own accommodation???

It's driving me fucking mad!

[amusedbush]

That would drive me absolutely bonkers. I'm like you, OP, my family live a fair distance away and we are definitely not an in-each-others-pockets family. Luckily DH has a very small extended family with whom he doesn't get on so we see them about twice a year!

I think you need to really put your foot down but you risk really upsetting your husband if this is how he has always been.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

YADNBU. That's mad and I can't imagine anyone would be happy with it.

[CockacidalManiac]

That is seriously fucked up.

[Bluntness100]

That would drive me nuts also, I actually think it's weird as hell. I mean ok all go together occasionally but always?🙄

[LagunaBubbles]

I was very close to my Mum and Dad to when, but this is mad!

[Katy07]

It's lovely (well, if that's your sort of thing) to do a big family holiday but you're supposed to have time to yourself throughout it. To be able to go off and do things alone. And definitely to have the night to yourself!! Weird.
And not have to invite them every time.

[SomethingBorrowed]

YANBU
I would let him know that you are willing to spend x holiday weeks out of y with his family, but that the rest you would like to spend just the three of you (or with friends, your family... but to be decided together).

Regarding the sleeping for somebody's child, well TBH I would tell DH he can go on his own and I will be doing something by myself.

[Stuffedshirt]

Jeez, you poor thing. I suggest you sit down and write your DH a letter explaining exactly how you feel. Point out that your family are entirely different and that the kind of closeness he has with his family is alien to you.

I would include the fact that no one else you know goes on holiday, every single time, with their extended family. I have to say it would drive me completely insane if I had to spend my holiday with anyone other than DH and DC, let alone his family.

Your needs are equally important in your marriage and if this means to you having a holiday separate from his family, he needs to understand this.

Say that you want time with your own special little family, without having to consider the needs of everyone else.

When you've written the letter, I'd rewrite it and try and remove as much of the bitterness and hurt you are feeling. You are trying to get him to see your point of view, rather than having a go at him and his family.

[greenmidgetgems]

YANBU, he needs to ask and respect your wishes / need for some space and privacy on holiday.

However I can perhaps kind of see what his thinking is - I gather these are all caravan / camping holidays which to me are not idyllic / once in a lifetime / lying on the beach with a cocktail type of holiday. We have a caravan and its very much the more the merrier, all go and everyone muck in type of thing.

However to automatically invite them every time without discussion and get annoyed when you reasonably object is out of order.

[liquidrevolution]

3 weeks is too much. 10 days with family and 10 on your own seems a good idea.

I would have suffocated holidaying with my inlaws every year. I insisted we alternate with my family which has worked well and, surprise surprise , DH has said this year no wider family holidays, just us and DD.

Took 5 years though

[S1lentAllTheseYears]

Then last week I suggested going away for a couple of days (meaning just us) and he turns round and says 'I'll ask dad and the girls if they to come...'

He's not listening to you is he?

That's as much of an issue as the excess family bonding time which I wouldn't be able to cope with anyway.

But he should be at least trying to come up with a compromise that you both can live with eg. the big holiday with everyone and short breaks just you, him and DD. Instead he's just trampling over your feelings which are every bit as valid as his.

[SomethingBorrowed]

Would your DH be happy to spend half his holidays with your family?
Maybe ask him the question, it might help him see it from your POV

[PotatoWaffleCob]

YADNBU!!!!

We go on holiday with DH's family (his parents, sister, bil and 4 kids) every summer for a week. DH loves it as do our DC. BUT BUT BUT That isn't "our holiday". That's the family get together then we still have our holiday for just us 4 (plus a minibreak or two if it's a good year). You deserve time alone without his family.

[summerof69notts]

Thanks everyone, I find myself analysing and going over and over this in my head all the time, wondering if it's just me overreacting - but you've made me feel better about myself at least.

It is NOT unreasonable to want some time and space and privacy on what should be a break from the usual humdrum routine of being at home!

I might just get him to read this thread...

[gamerchick]

I think as soon as he mentioned inviting or invited without your input I would be saying..'ah you want a hoard, I think I'll pass on that one have fun' each and every time.

If you don't make a stand this will be you for years. But I'm not a live in each other's pockets type either.

[summerof69notts]

Actually YES he would be happy to spend that amount of time with my family! It's me that wouldn't!!

The difference being that NONE of my family would expect to spend that much time together.

He thinks we're weird because we DON'T spend a lot of time together. But we're happy knowing each other is fine and well, and doing our own thing.

[CoolCarrie]

YADNBU, bloody hell, you must be a saint, putting up with that. You have your own family, the three of you, not the whole shebang of his lot as well, of course you 3 should be able to go on holiday , and your dh isn't considering your feelings at all. Get him told that it is fair anymore, enough is enough. Good luck

[shovetheholly]

These things are different for different people and different families. You have to find the balance that is right for you and your husband, and if you would like more time with just your immediate family, that's totally OK.

I would go mad if I couldn't have some time away from both my extended family and my DH's! It doesn't mean I don't want to see them, just that it's really, really lovely for us to just be together as well.

I wonder if your husband might fear a family conflict if you go away by yourselves? If so, this is about how he sets boundaries more than anything else.

[itsgoodtobehome]

Definitely NBU. That would drive me mad. We have done some holidays with DH's family, and I have now had to tell him - 3 days max with them! We tend to holiday in the same place as his parents, so I always make sure that we arrange it so that there is a small overlap (2-3 days) so we can spend some time with them, but there is no way that I could do my whole holiday with them. You need to explain to your DH that this is too much for your main holiday. Maybe try and arrange a few weekends away with them, but keep the long holidays for yourselves.

[deblet]

You have been wonderful putting up with this for so long. I would put my foot down now and say no more. I stopped my husband inviting people with us on holiday very early on as I refused to have any nookie with other people around. I said it made me uncomfortable and anyway he would obviously rather be with them as he never wanted to go anywhere with me. No holiday sex soon put him off inviting others :)

[TheSmurfsAreHere]

I love going away with my own family and having 3 weeks away like with them would be a real pleasure.
I've actually done that for years (me, the dcs and my parents).

However, I would never do that in such way that it means we would never have time away as a family (DH, me and the dcs) and nor would I make ALL the trips away a trip with my parents.
It's weird.....

[Pallisers]

That would drive me off my head. And would drive my husband even further off of his!

The two of you have very different expectations of holidays. he wants his to be entirely with his extended family (god the thought of it) and you want yours to be with your husband and kids.

But he also seems to think that he can ignore your wishes entirely and his way is the only way. He is being selfish - not in wanting to spend every holiday with his family (he is just being weird in that) but in insisting on what he wants every single time.

So sit down with him and tell him very clearly that you are prepared to compromise and he will also have to compromise. half of your holidays must be on your own. So you each get a bit of what you want. If he invites everyone else along to a holiday that was agreed to be on your own, you won't be going.

[Nocabbageinmyeye]

Oh my giddy aunt yanbu!! I'd be backing out of the holiday where you have to sleep with someone else's child for a start. Then I'd book a break just for me and my dc and let him off on his own. The lack of interest in your input would really piss me off as would his inability to hear what I you are saying

[TheSmurfsAreHere]

A poster mentioned that everyone does things differently and enjoys spending different amount of time together.

He is clearly a family person, happy to spend plenty of time with family (his or yours) and the important thing for his to build memories with those people.
You are clearly quite the opposite and want to build memories with your family (as in you, your DH and DC) rather than with each of your families.

I'm afraid that neither of you is right or wrong there.
Just different people liking different things.
The only way forward is taking (wo putting the other one down for holding a different POV/like) and compromise.

[HouseworkIsASin10]

YANBU do you and DH actually spend time on your own at all? Does he invite them over at weekends or other times?

I would be putting my foot down. At least one holiday each year with just you and DC. It would make me think he doesn't enjoy being in my company and he needs his family to entertain him