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To think that my DH is out of order.

(81 Posts)
MrsBramble5 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:01:44

Please help.

This may sound petty to some but to me I've had a long road of struggling with DH not taking accountability for things when he is in the wrong.

Just need to give you some background info before explaining tonight's drama. Basically, my dad is one of the most lazy, selfish people you could meet (I don't like writing that, but it's true). I've always made it my main aim in life to make sure I never turn out like that. It's a bit of a running joke that he doesn't know how to work a kettle as he never lifts a finger, just gets my mum to do everything for him. It's awful and something that I find very upsetting. This has resulted in me never asking people to do things for me, well as much as possible. If I can do it myself, I will.

Basically, this evening I was having a massive drama with my phone, I'm moving networks and my number is moving over tomorrow to a new sim but my phone wasn't accepting the new SIM card. DH and I were sat in the living room and I told him what was going on. I got up and got the laptop out to try to see if I could figure out a solution to what was going on. I said to him "can I ask you a massive favour, is there any chance you could get me a drink?" His face dropped and he looked at me as if to say, are you kidding me? I started to be very apologetic and said "I'm sorry, it's just I'm having a massive drama here as you know but I've been thirsty for hours" (been busy putting kids to bed, making packed lunches etc.) he then just carried on staring with the same expression. I started to feel worse until I had a quiet word with myself and realised that I'd asked him for a favour and it in no way warranted this reaction. He knows how much I hate asking anyone to get me a drink because of the situation with my dad. He then preceded to say. "Look, I just think you should have asked me differently". At this point, I was furious. It's a drink. I'm having a massive drama here. Why are you turning it into this? The minute I grew a backbone and actually said how I felt, he stormed off! After me pressing the matter. I eventually get an apology of "I'm sorry if I upset you. I'm not sure exactly what happened and I was only joking but IF I was being unreasonable, I'm sorry." I know this apology would be acceptable to some but only last week I was begging him to hold DD for me as my arms were killing me. I asked him about 6 times and he refused. Then when I got upset he said it was "a misunderstanding".

I didn't accept tonight's apology because I'm sick of it. He still maintains that I should have elaborated straight away as to why I needed him to do me this favour etc. It all seems so petty but after 10 years, I don't want to carry on like this. I feel afraid to tell him I'm upset because I know that if I do, he'll argue tooth and nail that he's not in the wrong and I hate the confrontation. If I don't confront him, it gets left that I'm the unreasonable one and if I do confront him, at best I'll get a half hearted apology after a massive row sad when he's not being unreasonable (which is most of the time) I really love the man he is. Caring, loving. But this side of him just causes me so much hurt at times. Please help. Is it me who is the problem? sad

trinketsofgold Mon 30-Jan-17 23:13:14

You'd been thirsty for hours?!

MrsBramble5 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:14:55

I should maybe add that years ago I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and I now force myself to stand up for myself even though it's not in my nature and even though I find it incredibly difficult at times. I'm just really having a moment of self doubt and also of fear of being treated like a fool again sad

MrsBramble5 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:18:00

Yes. Sorry if that sounds stupid? I'd been sorting the children/house out etc. I was about to get myself a drink and then I remembered I had to sort my phone out, which should have been a 2 minute job but turned into an hour long job with laptop on my lap, mobile in one hand, landline in the other calling the network. Hence the reason I asked DH if he could get me a drink.

KathArtic Mon 30-Jan-17 23:19:45

Surely your Dh should have said 'I can see you are busy, can I get you a drink'?

lottiegarbanzo Mon 30-Jan-17 23:23:35

Um well, my utterly amateur psychologist reading of this is that's it's incredibly straightforward - you have not turned into your Dad, nor would you ever be likely to (women can't usually get away with that shit), rather, you have married your Dad.

Your 'D'H is selfish, uncaring and thinks you're his servant.

Why wouldn't he take the baby for you? Because baby-care is your job and his 'helping' would be a massive favour? Why wouldn't he get you a drink -it's a normal, everyday request (do you ever make him drinks)? Because he's taken advantage of someone so unusually determined to martyr themselves?

I'm sure you think you're being independent, not a martyr but normal partners do things for each other - because they want to. The other person's gratitude does not prevent them from doing so, neither is gratitude the reason they do it.

Lorelei76 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:23:52

.???
Unless your DH was performing surgery when you asked.....
I'm not even sure I've understood this correctly. Since when is asking someone for a drink a massive favour?

Does your DH ever lift a finger?

TheProblemOfSusan Mon 30-Jan-17 23:24:07

Um. I'm as independent as they come but if I need a drink and he's near the tap/kettle or it's his turn or I'm sitting and he's standing out frankly I just really want a drink.... I say "Love can your get me a..." and he does. And I do for him.

Yours is being a shit. Someone you love is having a hard time and you went get them a drink? Like the water if actual life? He's being a shit.

esk1mo Mon 30-Jan-17 23:24:13

very strange hmm sounds as though he is taking advantage of the fact that you purposefuly dont ask for favours (because of your dad), and when you do he acts like you are being lazy.

i ask my DP for stuff all the time blush he makes me tea when i ask most evenings, or if hes leaving the bedroom while im watching a movie ill say "can you switch the light off please". or i ask "can you feed the cat please" and probably a hundred other requests. he would never complain or say no because i do alot for him without him even having to ask, like cook for him, do his laundry, clean the house , bring him little treats while out shopping etc. its normal and natural to help each other out. he is not your parent to tell you that you are being unreasonable or demanding.

im sure he'd realise how miniscule your request for a drink was if you stopped doing all the things you do for him in the background.

HopefullyAnonymous Mon 30-Jan-17 23:28:32

Um well, my utterly amateur psychologist reading of this is that's it's incredibly straightforward - you have not turned into your Dad, nor would you ever be likely to (women can't usually get away with that shit), rather, you have married your Dad

This. 100%.

MrsBramble5 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:29:50

See it's strange because he does loads round the house. Does loads with the kids but I never ask it if him. he drives and I don't so now and again I will ask him if he can pop to the shops on his way home from work to pick up one or two things and he is always accommodating with that but on the odd occasion, he can become so patronising if I do need his help. It hurts me as he knows how much I hate to ask so why would he try to make me feel worse. After everything that he's said about how I should have asked differently, he's also saying that the face he was making was "just for a joke" angry it's infuriating. sad

SparklyLeprechaun Mon 30-Jan-17 23:32:57

Are you always this formal at home or do you walk on eggshells around him?

If DH said to me "can you do me a massive favour is there any chance blah blah", I'd probably stare at him. It's just such an unnatural way to ask. "Can you put the kettle on, I'm in the middle of something" is what we'd say.

Yanbu to expect a drink, Yabu to make a big deal out of a simple request.

EIsbethTascioni Mon 30-Jan-17 23:36:08

Fucking hell. Dh makes me about eight cups of coffee a day. And hands me the remote if I cba to stand up and get it. And a million other things. I do things for him too.

That's normal. Your relationship sounds deeply dysfunctional.

LucklessMonster Mon 30-Jan-17 23:36:28

Are you sure he wasn't staring in disbelief that you referred to it as a massive favour? Trying to get you to see how skewed your perception of massive favours is? I think that would be my reaction, and it ties in with him saying you should ask differently.

I mean maybe he is a massive shit but if this is the only way he's unreasonable (in your eyes) it's unlikely he's being cruel.

DJBaggySmalls Mon 30-Jan-17 23:37:00

His face dropped and he looked at me as if to say, are you kidding me?...he then just carried on staring with the same expression.
Is that passive aggressive? Or just plain nasty.

Stop pussy footing around him MrsBramble5; you dont need to apologise for breathing.
Pull him up every single time he does it.

LucklessMonster Mon 30-Jan-17 23:37:29

Cross post with Sparkly... Glad it's not just me who saw it that way!

Lorelei76 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:38:35

So is it possible he did it as a very cruel "joke"? Because of your wording?
No excuse, just wondering if he felt like bullying you in that way...? Which is also fucking awful.

fuzzywuzzy Mon 30-Jan-17 23:38:42

I ask dp to get me things if I'm in the middle of something I've never called it a massive favour tho. I always thank him but I don't make a song and dance about it either.

In fact dp would probably help me himself either offering to get me a drink or help with my phone if he sees I'm tired.

And I'm not lazy and very independent. But dp is my partner and loves and cares about me and my wellbeing.

I agree with pp you've married your dad.

Lorelei76 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:40:21

Oh wait
He refused to hold your DD when his arms were killing you
So is he doing other bullying stuff?

MrsBramble5 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:41:34

I think I over compensate for the fact I don't want to turn into my dad and hence the reason I called it a massive favour. When we've been arguing about it since, he's said that initially, he was shocked I asked him when we were both "just sitting on the couch" (which isn't really true as he was doing nothing and I was doing something complicated) and that I should have elaborated further as to why I couldn't do it myself when I first asked him.

garlicandsapphire Mon 30-Jan-17 23:42:14

Get your own drink?

I don't have a man to get me anything and I seem to manage through emotional crises.

MrsBramble5 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:43:58

I'm really appreciating your feedback here. He is a diamond 95% of the time but this stuff is really getting the better of me. Thanks for the support.

Lorelei76 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:45:03

Oh give over Garlic
Many of us are single with emotional and practical crises - it doesn't make us incapable of understanding other people's problems.

MrsBramble5 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:46:08

garlic Happy to get my own drink. Have you never asked a favour of someone? I'd have been much less hurt if he just said no, it was his reaction that hurt me most.

Lorelei76 Mon 30-Jan-17 23:46:51

OP "and that I should have elaborated further as to why I couldn't do it myself when I first asked him."

No, there's no need to elaborate when you ask someone you live with to get you a drink.

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