Am I being unreasonable for telling my husband not to come back next time?

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

We had an argument on Saturday morning so he got up and left, I assumed work. No plans for it previously, we were very angry with one another so I suppose a few hours away wasn't a bad thing.

I text him in the day and asked if he wanted some of the thai I was cooking and he said yes, I made him some early evening and we spoke before I went out. DC asked if he would come waking with the dog we were looking after, DH said yes. He totally denies saying yes but can't 'remember what he did say'.

On Sunday morning he puts on his work trousers and leaves.

He didn't tell me, he didn't tell the kids. He just ups and leaves.

He wasn't back again until bed time.
I'm beyond livid. He's done this before and it makes a mockery out of a marriage that should be secure. Just upping and leaving not telling anyone? Like he's a single man?

And since he's done it before, no doubt he'll do it again.

I've just told him if he does it again to never come back.

He doesn't see the problem with 'going to work'. Going to work isn't the issue whatsoever. It's getting up and leaving when having not previously planned and no regard for us. I asked him why he didn't take the opportunity to tell me on Saturday night that he planned to work. He said 'he hadn't made the decision then'.

He really doesn't see what's wrong with it.

[pipsqueak25]

he seems unreasonable, but telling him not to come back seems a bit harsh, is it possible to talk about this without rehashing the original argument ?

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

I'm just SO damn angry that he can just up and leave like that. As though our children are my responsibility.

He did zero childcare this weekend. Nothing. Apparently it all falls on me and he has the freedom to leave his responsibilities when he wants.

[ImperialBlether]

Does he actually go to work, do you think? It seems very odd that he'd do this two days running - surely that means he won't get a day off work for another week?

Do you think he manufactured that argument on Saturday?

[Maroonie]

So he thinks it's okay to just leave without telling you? What if you had plans? He has an equal responsibility to look after his children- he can't just leave.
If my OH did that I'd also probably tell him not to come back, at least then I'd know I couldn't rely on him rather than being let down unexpectedly

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

He has an equal responsibility to look after his children- he can't just leave.

Exactly!! He did just leave though. He has done before and the fact that he sees nothing wrong with it just tells me he'll do it again.

[DesignedForLife]

Is he going to work? What does he do that he can just decide when to go?

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

Imperial he's his own boss. And no, I snapped on Saturday which started the argument. I was stressed and anticipating him being a grumpy morning ogre but that's a whole other thread.

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

Yes he went to work. Please let's not derail the thread.

It's about the fact that he buggered off without telling me. Whether he went to work or to an ice cream factory!

[puglife15]

Maybe you should try the same next weekend

[Maroonie]

If they wouldn't be in danger I'd be tempted to do the same to him- but then I'd probably realise that I'm an adult and that if my relationship has got to the point where I was behaving irresponsibly and going tit for tat then its probably not a good thing

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

I would never do that to the kids because I'm not a total bastard. My youngest would be gutted and my eldest would be worried if no one knew where I was.

I mean, who DOES that?!

[ferriswheel]

My h does lots of stuff like that all of the time. I am divorcing him.

[Maroonie]

Can you talk to him properly when you are both feeling more calm?
If he really doesn't see anything wrong with it then I'm not sure what you can do, apart from protect yourself and your kids from his behaviour

[freddiemercury]

sorry..but completely unreasonable and about as childish as him. you presumably coukd have called at any time. you are making a mockery out of marriage by making threats rather than communicating.

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

I could have called him?!

Why on earth would I want to speak to him?! He had just ditched his family and went off like he had no cares or responsibilities in the world. What on earth would I have called him for?!

[Ohyesiam]

I imagine he's lying when he says he sees nothing wrong with it. He just does it to passive aggressive ly make a point ( or wind you up) and because it suits him.
When you talk about it calmly, of he can't accept it's not ok by you, then you will have to take action. He's in a partnership with you, of he can't negotiate so that things work for both of you, he needs to be single.
Is he generally selfish/ pig headed?

[AnneElliott]

I agree that he is BU. DH did this once and I also told him if he did it again then not to come back- as DS is not my responsibility by default.

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

No he's generally very selfless and generous.

However, he hugely fails to see what he ever does wrong. Literally never sees it.

This being one of them. I've tried talking to him, he doesn't see what the problem is. Keeps saying 'I only went to work' as though that is the issue!

[Bunnyfuller]

Perhaps he goes to work to get away from the arguing? Doesn't make it ok but some people can't cope with it. You sound very livid when you say he's thoughtful and selfless otherwise. I don't think he was ducking out. Do you work? You say he does zero 'childcare' I presume you mean he doesn't look after the kids on his own? That's something perhaps to address calmly another time. Being more angry with him now isn't going to effect the change you want I'm afraid

[Bunnyfuller]

And you could have called him because you're both adults and tit for tat is not an adult way to negotiate an issue. It's sulking.

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

Why would I call him? Just to say hi? As if!

And the argument was Saturday morning. I let go of the fact that he left afterwards and didn't come back for a good few hours. I'm talking about the following day, after I'd spoken to him, cooked his dinner etc.
It was 24 hours after the arguement.

And yes I work full time. It was my weekend off work too. We both work full time.

[Bunnyfuller]

I just don't think losing your shit will make him suddenly realise op, I get you're angry. Depends what outcome you want I guess.

[arethereanyleftatall]

You sound extremely angry still now. So, possibly he didn't say anything, as it would have resulted in an argument and he doesn't like arguing? Possibly left you to calm down? I could be way off the mark here, so apologies if so, just trying to fathom from his pov.

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

I'm am still angry.

I'm angry that he still thinks he's done nothing wrong. I'm angry that because of that, he will do it again. I'm angry that it's putting our marriage at risk.

I've told him all of this.

[CalorieCreditEqualsCake]

I'd have had no problem with him working on the weekend.

We both work weekends when we need to and he knows I'd have no problem with it.

That's definitely not it. As I said, I asked him why he didn't just tell me on Saturday night and he said because he 'hadn't made the decision then'.

So he quite deliberately decided in the morning, got his work stuff on, got his tool box and left.

Just like that.