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AIBU?

Please help! I know IABU :(

90 replies

Jellymuffin · 30/01/2017 19:23

I'm 11 weeks pregnant with DC2, DS1 is 3.5 and is my world. I was very unsure about having another child, I work full time and do all drop offs and pick ups and was worried I wouldn't be able to give DS everything with another one. Went through a horrible period of uncertainty before trying hard to conceive. Nothing happened, I felt sad and eventually decided to stop trying, made plans , came to terms with DS being our only. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant while husband was away with work. Have felt nothing but fear and depression since. I'm not excited at all, feel tired and sick all the time. Husband tried to be supportive and has said we can abort if I'm not happy about being pregnant. I feel all over the place! Please someone help me come to terms with how I'm feeling and what's happening. DS was a horrendous baby, I have constant digs from my mum about how hard I'll find things and how difficult things will be. I'm so so so sad and confused. Please help,

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Creampastry · 30/01/2017 19:26

No baby/child is the same. It is generally easier with your second baby. You sound like a good mum ... if you were a crap mum you wouldn't care. Your mum seems a bit of a cow. It is tiring but your dc will be at school in a year or so.

Rainydayspending · 30/01/2017 19:27

Have you spoken to your midwife yet? I'd suggest having a good chat with them about your anxieties. She may be able to suggest a local parenting group/ support network. I've experienced an unexpected pregnancy after going through the giving up decision. I was also filled with (different) fears as this came about a year after 3 miscarriages. My midwife was very calm about my fears. It really helped.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 30/01/2017 19:28

Firstly please ignore your mum, utter bollocks she's spputing there. Yes it's harder with 2 as the beginning but as they grow & start to play together it gets easier.
You're struggling as you'd clearly got your head into a place where you were happy with one child, do whatever is best for you & your family but please be sure a termination is what you really want as at one point you were actively trying for this baby.

MissVictoria · 30/01/2017 19:29

Speak to your GP, they may be able to prescribe something to help with how you are feeling or refer you for counselling.

Jellymuffin · 30/01/2017 19:29

DS will be in reception a a few weeks after baby is due. Please please someone tell me I won't regret having more than one. I really struggled mentally after DS was born in so scared. It was just my husband being so matter of fact about having an abortion. I don't know if I could but if I could press 'undo' I would.

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GTS · 30/01/2017 19:33

I am 37+2 weeks pregnant with unplanned baby number three. Older two are nine and eleven.
I didn't for a moment dream I would be pregnant at my age and cried and wailed and posted about it relentlessly for weeks.
It is okay to not feel excited. I feel alot better about it now, but still have periods when I feel like I'm tied to the train tracks and I can hear the train coming! That aside, focus on how lovely it will be for your DC1 to have a sibling. Yes, the days can seem very long when they are little, but they years are fast. Besides, this baby might be an angel! It will all be okay, honestly x

GobblersKnob · 30/01/2017 19:35

I had terrible post natal depression after my first but it was no where near as bad after my second. I have never regretted having two for a minute, they are gorgeous together, though getting quite grown up now, they have almost exactly the same age gap as yours.

Everything with the second is easier, even if the second is a harder baby, iyswim, because you have done it all before. Please see your GP if you think you mood is very low pre natal depression is very much a thing. Please ignore you mum, just nod and smile, as it sounds like she is being a bit of an arse. And please lean on and share with your other half, you're in it together, make sure you are getting support.

Jellymuffin · 30/01/2017 19:36

Please tell me siblings are lovely. I spent so long on boards convincing myself that an only was fine and inundated myself with stories of siblings not getting on and people regretting having a second. Most my friends had babies late who will be onlies and are full of reasons why one is best.

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Rabbit01 · 30/01/2017 19:36

Please don't worry. I was worried too. It does all fall into place though. It sounds like great timing that your first will be starting school shortly after the birth of your second. Can your husband help you until that point? After that hopefully you and the baby will get through it all fine. I found taking naps when the baby napped to really help. I totally understand your concerns, but you will survive. With your second you lower your standards and activities and everyone is still happy 😊 xx

Rabbit01 · 30/01/2017 19:37

Ps If anyone is being negative about two perhaps ask then that something positive would help right now xx

Jellymuffin · 30/01/2017 19:40

I can't lean on my husband. He is very much a 'if you're not happy, change it' type of person. He was fed up of me when we deliberated whether to have 2, told me he had wanted to leave me when I had PND (when I got better) I feel very vulnerable about sharing my feelings with him. I have anxiety and he hates that about me, I try to control it but he has never had mental health issues and thinks you can just fake it till you make it. I'm heartbroken by his suggestion of an abortion. He told me he wasn't using condoms when I thought we were after we decided to stay at one.

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Jellymuffin · 30/01/2017 19:42

That makes him sound a total shit, he's genuinely not. I know he'll do nights and is the most amazing dad to our DS. It's not him i'm worried about, it's me.

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ollieplimsoles · 30/01/2017 19:45

constant digs from my mum about how hard I'll find things and how difficult things will be

Cut her out, there's a start.

AlwaysNeverOnTime · 30/01/2017 19:46

The best thing I ever did for DC1 was having dc2. They obviously fight and argue but seriously they love each other so much. two is harder than one but you've got a good age gap and it will be fine

AlwaysNeverOnTime · 30/01/2017 19:47

I also had pnd with my first but didn't with the second.

Jellymuffin · 30/01/2017 19:47

Thankyou X I just need some positivity! I feel like I'm drowning.

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followTheyellowbrickRoad · 30/01/2017 19:50

I would speak to your midwife and see if she can arrange counseling for you. It really sounds like you need more support. We can all tell you how lovely having two is and how you won't regret it. But that isn't really going to help. I think your fear is a little more deep seated than that. Please talk to your midwife and get more support

neveradullmoment99 · 30/01/2017 19:53

I think everyone feels apprehensive when they are pregnant with their second. They are always thinking, Will i be able to stretch my love to another child? How will i cope etc?
The simple fact is that you will and better than that, you are lucky that there is a good age gap between your ds and when your new baby is born. Hang on to that. Also, rather than be so negative, your mum should be offering you some support. As your children grow up, It really does get easier anyway. They will be good company for each other.
I think its hard to make a judgment right now as your hormones play havoc. I think though, even although you had resigned yourself to having the one, you sounded like deep down you really did want another one. For that reason, i would hesitate making any decisions that you might regret. Atm, you will be finding it hard, juggling a small child, morning sickness and the tiredness never mind all the hormones kicking around. Maybe speak to the doctor and take it from there? Goodluck.

haveacupoftea · 30/01/2017 19:55

If it helps, I am pregnant with my very much wanted first baby and in the first weeks, and even now I sometimes get oh fuck what have I done moments. Pregnancy is portrayed as the happiest time ever but we all have our ups and downs through it

BellaGoth · 30/01/2017 19:56

I have a 4 year old DS and 5 month old DD so similar gap to you. All through my pregnancy I suffered with severe anxiety, massively regretted the (very much planned) pregnancy, and seriously considered termination / adoption. It was a truly horrendous time.

I cannot describe how wonderful it's been. Obviously it's hard sometimes, but the rewards far outweigh the negatives. They absolutely adore each other. I know we're only 5 months in but hopefully this will keep up.

I do think you should try and speak to someone though, I really wish I had.

Jellymuffin · 30/01/2017 20:00

Thankyou so much all X I'm soaking this all in and it's easing my anxiety somewhat X

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MycatsaPirate · 30/01/2017 20:01

I felt the same as you and left it til DD1 was 7 before I had another. DD1 was a very easy baby although she had reflux, lactose intolerant (took forever to diagnose) and I seemed to spend a lot of time cleaning up vomit. But she was a happy little thing and I didn't feel that I could ever love another child like I loved her.

But I had DD2 and I love her just as much. She wasn't a vomiter (thank fuck) although she was a crap sleeper (swings and roundabouts) and I am so glad I have both of my girls.

DD1 is leaving home at the weekend, she's 18 and off to uni and I'm dreading it. The girls have their moments when it's WW3 in this house but they are very close and would fight to the death to defend each other.

You just need reassure and some local friends in the same position as you. You'll be fine.

ArriettyClock1 · 30/01/2017 20:05

I don't know anyone that has regretted having a second.

I do however, know a couple of friends that have been unable to have a second child and wish it could be different.

I was so deliriously in love with my first, I worried about the impact a baby would have on him and also that it would disrupt our happy threesome etc etc.

Of course, when that second baby came along, we were all bursting with love again and it seemed so very right to have him in the family.

Best thing we ever did!

CheckpointCharlie2 · 30/01/2017 20:05

I had hideous PND with the first, then ante-natal depression with the second and felt quite similar to you (worth checking that out?) luckily my DH was really cool and helped me through.
But when dd2 was born it was completely fine and I didn't have any trace of any type of bloody natal depression and have been fine since.
Your mum needs to bog off and DH needs to step up.

BlurryFace · 30/01/2017 20:06

I was still suffering with PND when I got pregnant with DS2, it cleared up during the pregnancy and didn't come back when I had him. They were also completely different babies - DS1 was a 24/7 screaming vomiting clinger, DS2 was sleeping six hours a night by a week old and didn't cry often at all. Each pregnancy is different, each child is different, it's just the luck of the draw.

You can't base this decision off other people hating their siblings, for every story of siblings who haven't spoken in decades, there's a story about siblings who live in each other's pockets into old age and once they hit a certain age it's down to them anyway.

Tell your mum to fuck off. Where does she get off trying to grind your confidence down?

Your DH sounds quite unsympathetic as well, he let you think you were using protection when you weren't and had decided not to conceive? So now you're possibly facing an abortion you shouldn't have to? How much of an effect does living with a cold bastard have on your anxiety, I wonder?

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