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Toddler behaviour Aibu to be angry at the mum??

(20 Posts)
hollowsorrow Mon 30-Jan-17 17:55:37

Hi everyone, i have a 11 month ds and my friend's ds is 21 months. I like spending time with her, she is very kind, friendly and bakes amazing cakes. However, she never stops her ds from doing anything the first time they came over for a playdate her ds basically tore out a small piece of wood from our flooring to which she did not say anything and no offer to fix it or pay for it, we rent so it will come out of our deposit. There has been several incidents since then which i basically ignore. Today we went to see them my ds was standing next to my friends ds's walker. Her ds came from behind and threw my ds on the floor, my ds was fine just cried a little but it could have easily been worse. I know children can be mean to each other but surely its upto parents to teach them. My friend dint apologise just ignored the whole thing and when we were leaving told her ds to say sorry, which obviously he dint as he doesnt talk yet. I am very angry and shocked by the whole episode. So AIBU to be angry ??

trinketsofgold Mon 30-Jan-17 17:57:46

She told her ds to say sorry... Would you prefer a written apology?

GreyMist Mon 30-Jan-17 17:58:03

YANBU. If he's breaking something in your home or hurting your child, then tell him to stop. Don't just stand and ignore.

GreyMist Mon 30-Jan-17 17:58:57

It's a bit pointless asking a 2 year old to say sorry after the incident has happened. He won't have a clue what's she's talking about.

Ilovecaindingle Mon 30-Jan-17 17:59:47

Maybe keep your meetings to soft play areas until the kids are a bit older and the age gap isn't so difficult. . You could always ask her to sneak some cake in!!

Caterina99 Mon 30-Jan-17 18:05:47

I would stop my 19 month old from pulling up your floor and offer to pay for damage if necessary, but there's v little you can actually do about them pushing each other. I'd expect a parent to tell their child to stop and tell them off as I assume that's how they learn and eventually the behavior stops (hasn't really worked for me yet).

DontGoRhiannonStay Mon 30-Jan-17 18:11:07

I could understand you being upset about the pushing if her child was a good bit older, even old enough to be talking well, but jeez give her a break, he's not even 2 yet. I have a ds who is almost 23 months and I need eyes on the back of my head and 8 arms to control him all the time. Toddlers are hard. Remember this when your little dd is nearly 2 and does everything she is not supposed to!

mambono5 Mon 30-Jan-17 18:11:37

If she never tells her child not to push other children, how is he supposed to learn? She might suddenly wakes up when he gets pushed by bigger kids. This kind of mum is usually one-sided.
Asking a little one to say "sorry" randomly can't make any sense to him.

I would never have her around my house. Things happen with little kids, but parents should be watching them like hawks when they are a guest.

absolutely not BU!

barinatxe Mon 30-Jan-17 18:13:23

YANBU. Children do the wrong thing, but they need to be told that they are doing the wrong thing - often told many times - in order to learn not to do it.

Screwinthetuna Mon 30-Jan-17 18:14:44

Of course she should applifise apologise and offer to pay for the floor.

BUT, her child is also very young. I think when you yourself have a younger child, it's easy for you to presume older children must be more responsible, even though they themselves are tiny.

I remember a family member bringing her 1mo round to my house when my DD was 9 months. My baby touched hers on the face (gently) and she went on a rant at my 9 month old, to her not me, about how she shouldn't touch a tiny baby's face and to stoke her foot instead. Like my 9mo understood a word she was saying or gave a damn...

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 30-Jan-17 18:16:08

r. Her ds came from behind and threw my ds on the floor, my ds was fine just cried a little but it could have easily been worse

Oh op ! Wait till you have 2 , esp 2 boys . It's cage fighting /MMA most evenings ! I'd try and relax a bit

BarbarianMum Mon 30-Jan-17 18:20:05

I have 2 boys and I do not allow the biggest to push the little one over. The OP isn't describing a game of rough and tumble that got too boisterous.

OP it is ok to look out for your son by intervening and telling another child a firm "no". In fact, he needs you to have his back here.

SueGeneris Mon 30-Jan-17 18:24:48

I dunno. I have a 2 year old and if we are with younger children I would make sure he is not getting too near to them in case he did lunge or bump them or something because at 2 they are little more than babies and not able to control that sort of behaviour necessarily. They need a parent to watch/step in. If my DS had done that, I would have apologised profusely to you, checked your child was ok, and removed mine and said 'no pushing' and sat him on my knee for a minute.

I would be upset in your shoes. I don't think your friend has taken enough responsibility here or shown enough concern.

SueGeneris Mon 30-Jan-17 18:27:20

I think at 2 you can't 'discipline ' as such but you can try to show them what is and isn't ok by removing them from situations.

hollowsorrow Mon 30-Jan-17 18:31:17

Thanks everyone for your replies. I understand its totally normal for children to behave this way, but i think its our responsibility to tell them or stop them when they are doing something wrong. i know he is not even 2 so he does not understand too much but the problem is she never stops him from anything. when i go to playgroups i always apologise if my ds pulls other child her or anything similar and vice versa so far all the parents seem to apologise when their children do something wrong specially at this age when they dont quite understand if they are hurting other children.

bigbuttons Mon 30-Jan-17 18:35:49

it might be 'normal' for a 2 year old to push another child over, however, it is not ok and every time the child needs to be told that it is not ok.

Your friend is a lazy mother OP.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 30-Jan-17 18:36:12

I would not spend too much time with her, and not invite her to your house, unless her ds is in nursery. When her ds threw your ds, she should have apologised straight away, and show concern! Not get her ds to apologise a while later, quite lame, she's one of those parents!

hollowsorrow Mon 30-Jan-17 18:39:10

btw she dint even ask once if my ds was ok. the sad thing is i do like her very much and enjoy spending time with her but i think i will have to stop or reduce substantially

Aeroflotgirl Mon 30-Jan-17 18:40:44

I think you will, arrange to meet up if her ds is not with her, or sparingly. If she asks why, tell her!

TheMysteriousJackelope Mon 30-Jan-17 18:41:24

This is one reason that the Mothers of Twins Group that I belonged to tried to arrange play dates with groups of children of very similar ages.

Toddlers do push and shove, even when they are doing their best not to, they aren't fully coordinated. It's not so bad with children the same size, but it can be nasty when it involves babies, and your DS is still a baby. I'd try and meet your friend without the children if you can, or go to a café or similar where the children will be sitting at a table and her DS can't accidentally, or otherwise, hurt yours.

Yes she should be taking him away from your DS when he shoves and at least trying to explain that being pushed hurts. She should also ask him to do something to make your DS feel better, such as giving him a hug. Saying 'sorry' quite a while later is silly. Both children will have forgotten about the incident and the toddler is going to learn that he can do anything he wants and as long as he says 'sorry' everything is fine.

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