To think there isn't a way out?(2 Posts)
I feel stuck and I'm hoping there's a way out that I just can't see.
I have bipolar. It flared late last year for the first time in 6 years, which led to me having a panic attack infront of a consulting client, who was lovely. My company fired me. I settled out of court on the advice of my psychiatrist and got 6 months salary; thereabouts.
Psychiatrist recommended I didn't work until things are better. Looked at benefits but PIP has a 24 week wait time here, ESA is £114 a fortnight until I've been assessed, LHA is a quarter of my rent. I can't move, I've just renewed my tenancy and have nowhere to go anyway.
I went self-employed this month, and got two clients quite fast, but I don't really believe in myself at the minute so working is hard and for one client specifically, I feel we're always five steps behind. She's strong willed and difficult to work for; and she isn't paying enough for the hours. That said, the smaller easier client is currently paying 50% of my rent, and she's paying the rest and a bit extra for bills, so I'm not eating too much into my payout, although there is less than a grand left.
What do I do? Try to go back to work? I'm not sure I could commute. Sack bad client for other clients? I have no time to find new ones whilst she's taking it all up. Stick it out and hope I don't end up sectioned?
I spent yesterday sobbing and today I feel so out of it that I can't see straight. Psychiatrist says to do what I can each day but I can't live without a job of some sort and no job is going to let me say I can't work today... Eurgh. New meds will kick in at some point but not right now, and I can't cope with another week like last week. I feel like walking until I break.
I'm sorry you are feeling like this OP. Unfortunately I have no experience or knowledge of bipolar so I'm not sure I can offer any advice. You say your medication hasn't kicked in yet, is it worth going back to your GP to explain how you are feeling?
Do you have any family or friends you can explain how you are feeling to? It sounds as if you might be trying to cope with everything by yourself which is difficult enough without having to cope with bipolar as well.
I'm not sure how it works but if this one client is the cause of the stress you are currently feeling I'd be tempted to say get rid of her. It might make you feel better enough to focus on other clients and hopefully things will be a bit calmer for you by the time your meds start kicking in. Then you can explore your options with benefits vs going back to work.
I hope you find something that works for you soon but I'd urge you to go back to your GP or your psychiatrist asap and explain you feel you're not coping, they may be able to offer a more practical solution. x
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