I'm having a rant now - I think I just need to type stuff down rather than it swimming around in my head all the time. I was about to call it justification but its bl**dy not - I don't need to justify myself. I really don't think I'm being unreasonable!
I posted previously on the thread about parents and IL's coming to visit after birth of our first child. Well this is kind of the outcome of that story.
Basically my mother (whom I barely know - she moved to USA after losing long custody battle when I was around 5, have only met her twice since, once when I was 15, once when 29. I speak to her, maybe once every 6 months, but there have been v. v. large periods of non-contact at times) decided she was coming to visit for 2 weeks around the birth of our first DC (due 3rd March - 5 days away - yikes!) after I told her I was pregnant just before Christmas.
She asked if she could come stay with us, and [my interpretation of the conversation was that] we agreed that I'd have a think and call her back. Having discussed with DH we came to the conclusion we couldnt handle her and step-dad staying with us for a fortnight, and that I'd would be better for them to wait until DC was at least a few weeks old. I phoned her the next week, and said this, but she said she'd already booked the flights for 1st March.
I said ok, but can you find a hotel because we really need the time together and tried to make it clear that no-one else is coming to stay either (ie my dad and SM, or my MIL and FIL) so its not like its some kind of rule against her in particular.
I should say at this point is quite hard to talk to my mother - I like her a lot - shes generally a well meaning, sweet and funny woman, but she's also quite pushy and although I try to understand what its like for her I don't think she can see it at all from my point of view (I'm her daughter and despite our fractured history she recalls me as the baby girl she had 32 years ago and has very different memories from me - I just recall a childhood being visited intermittently by a young woman who didn't have much patience with me and my being scared to death she would take me away from my nanna )
I don't love her and she can fish (and boy, she fishes) as much as she likes but a) I'm British and v. polite ;-) and I just don't tell people I love them (apart from DH) even my lovely dad who has been there my whole life and doesn't need telling, but more relevantly b) I just don't love her. Why would I? Unconditional love from a child comes with familiarity, which I've never had.
Anyway, she called last night after about two months of me waiting to hear from her. I was going to call anyway as she was due in Heathrow on Thursday, but she got in there first. I had posted her a letter with details about local hotels in the interim, but not sure if she recieved this and didnt ask. Yes I could have called to find out what her plans were earlier, but I didnt. I have enough to think about. We had a very stilted conversion where she asked about the baby and I could tell she was dying to have a go at me but wasnt because obviously she does care and was trying not to upset the 9 months pregnant lady. Every comment was loaded though which we both knew and I just feel so, I don't know, something - guilty, frustrated, indignant?
She asked me how much baby weighed - I said I don't know they don't check that here - she then said well why don't you ask - whats wrong with them - they should tell you. I kind of shrugged it off with a 'well its not that accurate so theres no point ' but rather than accepting that I quite obviously don't care about that she ranted for a bit about how I should find out, then asked who was coming to stay with us and I said 'no-one' to which her response was 'well thats just wierd' - she clearly didn't believe me. Can it be the concept of just visiting for the day or overnight is beyond her? Why is it wierd that relatives arent hanging out for weeks? Maybe its a culture thing.
So, she then said they weren't coming (breathe sigh of relief) and I said 'but you said you'd booked flights' and she started mumbling about if they couldnt see me there was no point coming over. I can only presume that by 'couldn't see me' that she meant 'couldnt stay with me' because I certainly never said they couldnt come visit. (even though she initially said 'if you'd rather we find a b&b just tell me - thats fine) I bit my tongue because she could have told me this rather than letting me think they were coming over, but in fairness, I just buried my head in the sand the last 8 weeks and never checked with her either. I just said 'oh' a lot to this news - well I couldnt deny that I'd rather she didnt come over for the birth, but its not that I don't want her to meet her GC- I just would have liked some time with DC first without full time house guests.
Besides the emotional toll, we just can't manage it financially - we just moved back here in July after living in Oz and moving back drained our finances - we had to buy a house, furnish it completely, get jobs, car, and buy everything you need for a new baby as well. We might have a spare room, but we can't afford to furnish it for visiting guests right now and frankly its not top of the list. Plus visitors cost money no matter how well meaning and we're obviously one wage down right now, with no savings left. I don't think she even considered this.
Back to the conversation, she then asked the sex of DC - which is fair enough - but my response was 'well you won't have to wait very long to find out' to which I got a long sigh in response (the tired response of someone who thinks I'm being completely unreasonable) I told her on the phone last time that no one knows but me, because DH doesnt want to find out, and that I think its unfair anyone else should know when he doesnt. She can't seem to grasp this either. Or doesnt believe me and thinks I'm holding back this information specifically from her.
Although I'm relieved she isnt visiting, its like now I'm just waiting for a huge long rant from her which won't come until after DC is born, but I'm pretty sure it will. I don't want to have to justify myself - I don't think I'm being unreasonable and I can't believe I'm having to go through this again ( we had a similar period of 'awkwardness' when she wasnt invited to my wedding - which barely anyone else was either - I only had four guests on my side) I can't believe shes put a downer on the next happiest occasion in our lives but I'm trying to see it from her point of view because she must feel like shes being ostracised (she isnt), she's being asked to respect our need for time alone as a new family. I also see that she wants to be involved -she even suggested she be there at the birth - good lord no. Theres no harm in building bridges but there are limits to how quickly you can do that. Plus on the other hand the stroppy teenager in me feels like, well you havent been to visit me for 27 years, so whats the blinking hurry? Is this GC more important than I was?
Anyone who's made it to the bottom of this thread, well done, and thanks for listening. I'm hoping now its written down I won't dwell on it quite so much and stress out DC because I need him/her to come out now and not hide in my massive tummy any longer!
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Getting it off my chest - Mother has cancelled visit from abroad for birth of DC - has made me feel guilty - warning - long post!!
21 replies
lynniep · 26/02/2007 11:18
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09/04/2023 23:29
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