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To be upset at SIL being pregnant

(71 Posts)
DogMama89 Mon 30-Jan-17 09:33:57

OKAY. So I know that IAB REALLY BLOODY U. But hear me out. I am really really struggling. I have been off the pill since 2015, and I'm fairly broody hormonal and stupid, and although I'm not desperate for a DC but I'm starting to worry that there's something wrong. (I came off the pill initially to regulate hormones, but then dp and I agreed it was best I didn't stay on it as it was making me a moody cow) I mean ive had a few tests and they seem to be clear. But EVERYONE IS HAVING BABIES AND I CANT COPE!! Dsil was my best friend before I even started going out with my DP, and still is but she's just announced, (on the same day BILs girlfriend gave birth to his DS and she got pregnant after a few weeks of them being together!) she's expecting a little girl, I want to be elated and I know I'm being a bitch, but when she told me I thought I was going to throw up. I felt like I'd been hit by my two Ton Volvo estate. And she was pregnant after a bleeding one night stand with an asshole (not that I disagree with her doing that I love her to bits but God alive, a one night stand, whilst On the mini pill two days after her bleed ended, shock what are the odds?! And to add insult to injury my best friend is expecting her third after ttc one cycle.
What can I do to manage this?

i know iabvu and I promise I'm not generally a throw your toys out the pram type, but I just feel like all these people are accidentally getting pregnant and although I don't dispute they will make the most fabulous parents, I can't help feeling Frustrated and broody!

please help me get over this bratty bitchiness so I can get back to loving my almost arrived niece, my new godchild, and my beautiful friends and family confusedblush

TIA

dog

PurpleDaisies Mon 30-Jan-17 09:37:16

It's bloody hard seeing friends and family getting pregnant when you want to be but aren't. The best thing to do is vent about it somewhere where people understand (the infertility boards here are good) and put in an osxar winning performance of happiness with your SIL.

Does she know you're struggling to conceive?

ApocalypseNowt Mon 30-Jan-17 09:37:33

Ah well as you've said you know you're being U but your feelings are understandable.

Try to remember pregnancy isn't a zero sum game. There's not a finite amount of 'pregnant' to go round.

Have you started tracking your cycle/working out when you're ovulating OP?

Fx it happens for you soon x

PurpleDaisies Mon 30-Jan-17 09:37:56

And you're not being unreasonable-you feel what you feel. flowers

PurpleDaisies Mon 30-Jan-17 09:39:02

Try to remember pregnancy isn't a zero sum game. There's not a finite amount of 'pregnant' to go round.

While that's true, it's not necessarily very helpful when you desperately want it to be you having a baby.

Servicesupportforall Mon 30-Jan-17 09:39:53

flowers xx

MerryMarigold Mon 30-Jan-17 09:40:09

It's not fair. It's not fair at all, and we all have something inside where we want things to be fair. Especially when it is so close to our hearts. All I can say is, allow yourself to grieve and feel upset, rant about it on here, cry at home, get lots of hugs from your dp, and then be happy when you're in front of your BIL and SIL. Even if you have to fake it for a while.

I hope it all works out for you. You sound lovely.

specialsubject Mon 30-Jan-17 09:42:00

You feel what you feel, but remind yourself that jealousy only hurts the jealous one, and is a playground emotion. Enjoy their happiness and babies and best of luck. Hoping they can enjoy your happiness before too long.

SolomanDaisy Mon 30-Jan-17 09:43:15

It's shit. You have to give yourself permission to feel that, then put on the best front you can with the pregnant people.

strawberrypenguin Mon 30-Jan-17 09:44:48

It must be very hard but please don't take it out on SIL. My SIL treated me like the shit on her shoe when I was pregnant and our relationship has never entirely recovered.

Bauble16 Mon 30-Jan-17 09:47:19

Yanbu to feel upset, but yabu to comment and judge her choices and situation. It's hard to have sympathy as your coming across as bitchy rather then from a place of hurt tbh

DontTouchTheMoustache Mon 30-Jan-17 09:49:19

That must be very hard op so better to vent here than to upset your friends.
Is sil not with the father then? Just asking because I know you are upset.but she is probably scared to death of bringing baby up alone if so, so you need to try and be supportive (as hard as it might be!)

FrazzleRock Mon 30-Jan-17 09:53:45

YADNBU

I am totally with you on this. We lost two babies last year. One at nine weeks (a beautiful surprise) and one at 5 weeks (after TTC following our first loss).
DP has now decided to put TTC on hold for the foreseeable future and I am dying inside. I can't look at another pregnant woman without my throat and chest tightening and wanting to be sick. I've started counselling because I am unable to cope with the emptiness and unable to accept DP's decision. Its an awful, debilitating, and very dark experience to go though.
I felt this previously when TTC my two living DC. I was with my EX-H for ten years and only fell pregnant twice because of PCOS. It was hell watching friends fall pregnant so easily and very often by surprise. I became consumed in my grief for wanting a child. And now I am consumed by grief again.

There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better about this. Just know that what you are experiencing is totally 100% normal. Only problem is that people who have not experienced this pain will not understand how normal it is.
Is it worth exploring counselling do you think? I have just started reading a book about Mindfulness which was recommended to me by my psychiatric nurse. Perhaps you could go down that route? Though I know it isn't for everyone.

I so hope you get to share some beautiful news soon and you have a happy healthy pregnancy and baby flowers

kilmuir Mon 30-Jan-17 09:58:44

Its not unfair, it's life.
I had numerous miscarriages and blimey everyone I knew was having babies , seemingly easily, during that time.
You can't take it out in your sil. I am sure you will expect everyone to be pleased for you when it's your turn.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 30-Jan-17 10:01:57

are you pissing on the stick, just checking as I always hear people TTC and they neglect to actually piss on the stick and then shag when ovulating. just checking!

of course Yanbu to feel like this, and maybe take a step back from them for a few months whilst you work your emotions out

shovetheholly Mon 30-Jan-17 10:03:08

First of all, you are not being unreasonable. Your reaction is quite understandable and it does not make you in any way a bad person. What would be bad is to let what you feel inside show on the outside to your SIL or spoil her joy in any way, but you sound like a lovely, sane person who is in no way going to do this!

I think sometimes that goodness is about fighting with ourselves inside to do and be the best person we can be.

Coastalcommand Mon 30-Jan-17 10:05:56

After years of TTC we got pregnant on our first round of IVF. We were over the moon.
But my friends weren't all as pleased.
One group, all in our late 30s and 40s, don't have kids. I suspect some have been TTC without success.
My husband didn't want me to tell people we were struggling to conceive, so they don't know how hard it was for us.
Since I had the baby I think they have found it hard. Some haven't seen us and I don't get invited to group things.
I understand,but it's hard.

Callaird Mon 30-Jan-17 10:06:33

I'm a nanny, I love children, I look after adorable children every day, I hurts me so much to see people falling pregnant so quick and easy when I can't have my own. I've had various tests, they can't find any reason for me not to be able to carry to full term but 11 pregnancies in and the longest I've managed to hold on to them is 9 weeks.

I'm too old now (and my partner died) and I think I'm over it and then someone else I love and adore and am so pleased for them but crushed inside.

Everything crossed that you'll get there but there will probably be some poor soul will be happy for you but sad for herself!

TeethDrama Mon 30-Jan-17 10:13:20

I feel for you, it is really tough to watch what seems like everyone around you getting something you desperately want yourself. Why not take some practical steps. Go to the doctors, buy a fertility monitor, get your diet and sleep right if they aren't already? If you are taking steps to maximise your chances of success it will give you something else to focus on. Good luck x

WannaBe Mon 30-Jan-17 10:15:35

From your OP though it sounds as if you're not actively ttc, you're just not on the pill and you're feeling broody.

While we can't always help the way we feel inside, to be absolutely honest, you're not struggling to conceive, you're not having difficulty, you just haven't fallen pregnant even though you're not on the pill.

And I disagree with those who say that it's not fair. Someone falling pregnant unexpectedly because of a one night stand doesn't deserve to be pregnant any less than someone who actively wants to be. And actually I can't imagine that going into pregnancy and parenthood as the result of a one night stand is going to be a picnic for your sil, so try to lose sight of the fact that she's pregnant and think about the bigger picture here. The being pregnant bit is only the starting point.

If you're desperate to be pregnant then have a discussion with your DP about actively TTC not just not using contraception. For some people it does just happen when not on the pill but for others it doesn't and you need to be sure that you're e.g. Having sex around three/four times a week at the very least. I was never personally into all the charting and spending a fortune on ovulation sticks etc so you'd need to look into that one if you want to go down that route.

But you do need to get past this resentment because right now it just makes you sound very bitter and you're not actually struggling to conceive at this point. If you don't get past it now it's going to be much worse if you do end up having difficulty falling pregnant.

RainbowChasing Mon 30-Jan-17 10:18:16

Yep been there, done that. I'm currently sat at my infertility clinic waiting to have my eggs retrieved. It is totally understandable to feel this way- you're hurting and disappointed and worried for your future. But you can't show this these feelings of sadness (to your pregnant friends and family) as bitchiness and anger. You can be angry at your situation but not at theirs. It's not fair. I know how hard it is because I have been angry and upset within the confines of my home. My poor dh has heard me ranting a lot about how unfair it is that some people have child after child yet we're struggling. However, I don't want to take someone else's joy away by being angry at them because they are pregnant. They should be able to enjoy their pregnancy and impending arrival without feelings of guilt for someone less fortunate. I have become a professional at hiding my feelings of sadness when I find out that yet another person I know is pregnant after trying for a month or so. It isn't easy, and I do cry when I'm on my own. But saying this, I also think that their is a certain level of understanding that needs to come from pregnant ladies when around infertile couples. They need to show sensitivity to those less fortunate than themselves. Complaining about morning sickness to an infertile friend is just a no no, as is bragging about how quickly they got pregnant. Understanding needs to come from both sides.

ToastOfLondon Mon 30-Jan-17 10:27:08

YANBU, throw those toys out the Priam and have a good old moan fest. As long as you do it in private (or on MN) then it's fine. Then give yourself a pep talk and get on with whatever it is you are doing.

If you are really struggling and want your friends or family to tone dim the baby gushy'ness then you could consider telling them your concerns. People do better if they have instructions... for example if you don't like being asked if you are thinking of having kids then tell people not to ask. IYSWIM

I'm not sure I'd be too thrilled for the one night stand pregnancy confused

lljkk Mon 30-Jan-17 10:32:02

A lot of times we don't get what we want in life, or now how we wanted it to happen, at least. Life is not fair. Which is very often nobody's fault.

I love what someone said about there not being a finite amount of pregnant smile. Their situation doesn't change yours.

If you want to hear ways to think about this so that it feels less emotional, it's useful in life to have many different plans for what could make us happy, you won't get pregnant by wanting to be pregnant more than anything else in the world but sticking to just one set of things you want may stop you enjoying other things that could make your life fulfilling in meantime.

You probably know that Life is what happens when you're making other plans.

HotWellies Mon 30-Jan-17 10:38:41

Oh OP> thanks

rumblingDMexploitingbstds Mon 30-Jan-17 10:42:24

I hear you thanks

I was miscarrying over and over while my colleagues were producing gorgeous babies in droves, it's beyond hard. I never let it show that it upset me, have horrible memories of a massive meltdown I had hidden in a stock cupboard with my hands over my mouth having just cooed over the beautiful sonogram of a glowing colleague when the last sonogram I''d seen was of my baby after he'd died. I didn't come out until I had the makeup straight and was together again, no one ever knew and that's how it should be, but oh it was horrible. I felt all the time like That One Who Couldn't.

Rant away here where it's safe, get those feelings out and you've got my every sympathy. wine

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