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AIBU?

DP wants tattoo

55 replies

Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 09:16

Okay so basically my DP announced he is getting a large tattoo which will cost around £1000 in total . We are just starting our family, 1 DC and planning for another and don't have tons of cash, don't go on fancy holidays etc and I'm only on SMP which will run out in May. I like tattoos but I don't feel I can support him in this.
He says he wants my support through it but I simply can't understand how he is okay spending so much purely on himself and how he looks. He says he has wanted it for ages and has done loads for me and DD (both true). I just feel like that money could be put towards something he will get more fulfillment from (doesn't have to involve me or DD) like a bike or a holiday. We are hardly talking ATM as he says this is just me being too frugal and trying to control him as usual. AIBU by not supporting him? Advice please!

OP posts:

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phoe6e · 30/01/2017 09:19

Middle ground by getting a small one? Or tell him to save up for it?
That is/a bonkers amount of family money to spend on anything unnecessary .

KateDaniels2 · 30/01/2017 09:21

I have several tattoos. Thats sounds like a lot of money. However is it something he can save for?

I think and out and out 'you cant do this' isnt fair. But i wouldnt have the family going without for it.

If it was dh i would say we cant afford it but put a little money aside each week and month.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/01/2017 09:24

If the money is available and you are happy for him to spend it on himself then it's a bit harsh to say that you want him to spend it on something 'he will get more fullfilment from'. He's not a child wasting his pocket money.

qazxc · 30/01/2017 09:25

Is the issue whether you can afford it or what you feel would be more fulfilling for him?
If it's the first yanbu, he can save up towards it.
If it's the latter then yabu, he's an adult able to make his own decisions.

GarrulousGrimoire · 30/01/2017 09:25

Well is it "we can't afford it"

Or is it "I just feel that money could be put towards something he will get more value out of like a bike or a holiday"

If it's the former then you have a right to challenge it as not affordable for the family (so long as you aren't also spending high amounts on anything).

If it's the latter you are controlling his spending and choices and need to leave him alone.

GarrulousGrimoire · 30/01/2017 09:25

X post!

ElspethFlashman · 30/01/2017 09:26

That is a huge amount of money for a tattoo for a start.

What does he want to get done?

PurpleDaisies · 30/01/2017 09:26

£1000 is a huge amount of money to spend. Can't he have it done in stages?

Are you married? How do you normally work your finances?

KateDaniels2 · 30/01/2017 09:27

I just feel like that money could be put towards something he will get more fulfillment from

Sorry just picked up on this. If you have a thiusand pounds and happy for him to soend that amount on something purely for him then.

Its not up to you to tell him what he will get more fullfillment from.

Elphame · 30/01/2017 09:27

Tattoos by good artists are not cheap and a large tattoo is a lifetime commitment so has to be done well. I'm not surprised by the cost.

If this is something he's always wanted then it will be more fulfilling than a holiday ( soon over and quickly forgotten).

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 30/01/2017 09:27

Like others have said, you imply you can't afford it but then say you are happy for him to spend it on himself but that it should be something more fulfilling.

Can you clarify, as the two are a contradiction.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2017 09:28

I can't imagine spending that much money on one member of a family unless there is lots of disposable income.

Is there a spare couple of thousand for you and DD to spend?

ElspethFlashman · 30/01/2017 09:29

I have to add, as someone with tattoos, no bike or holiday would have compared.

My tattoos are very meaningful pieces about my family etc and are permanent. They will still be giving me pleasure in 40 years time. Can't say that about a bike.

Justreadingtheforum · 30/01/2017 09:29

I don't ever post and just read, but I wanted to join in this one. I have a very large tattoo which cost over a £1k. They're normally done over a number of sittings so wouldn't have to be paid for all in one go. My husband was supportive even though he doesn't actually like tattoos and doesn't have any himself. Mine goes down my arm, over my shoulder and down my back. A decent tattoo should be expensive, you honestly pay for what you get. Mine was done by an award winning tattooist and I am pleased with it. I know you say it's a lot of money for something to alter the way he looks, but if you added up what you spent on makeup/hair over a few years is the tattoo really that expensive?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/01/2017 09:30

Does he have personal money for his own stuff, he could use that.

PurpleDaisies · 30/01/2017 09:31

I agree, saying he should spend a grand on a bike instead isn't right at all. If there's spare "fun money" he spends it on what he likes and that's his choice. Depending on exactly how the finances work, I don't understand why he gets a grand and the op seemingly gets nothing.

KateDaniels2 · 30/01/2017 09:36

Who says the OP gets nothing?

PurpleDaisies · 30/01/2017 09:40

Isn't that the impression you get from the op's post? She says there's not much spare cash.

amusedbush · 30/01/2017 09:41

I'm not surprised by the cost at all, good tattoos by a really good artist are expensive. I have upwards of £2000 worth of tattoos but obviously I didn't pay that all at once.

However, I get tattooed when I have spare money to spend on myself and I go without new clothes/fancy haircuts, etc to fund it. It does not come out of shared money for holidays or days out.

specialsubject · 30/01/2017 09:44

If you have six months expenses stashed and savings for unexpected boiler, car, issues then fine. It will last a lifetime and can't be stolen.

If not, he needs to save for the fripperies like the grown ups do.

Hyggemama · 30/01/2017 09:45

Okay thanks for your answers. We both have separate savings although were planning on finding a larger house in a few years time, and are engaged so I guess a wedding should also be planned for at some point . So the tattoo wouldn't take from the family at all. I guess reading your answers makes me realise IABU! It is a personal decision and I am treating him a bit like a child with their pocket money. I guess I just didn't realise how tattoos have such personal importance to people that go beyond aesthetics.
I think I choose to continue to save rather than spend. But that is my reward whereas he has chosen this as his reward. Need to remember we are two separate people sometimes! Thanks for your help

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 30/01/2017 09:45

Isn't that the impression you get from the op's post? She says there's not much spare cash.

No because she also mentions a lot being done for her and dd. Since she is talkingabout money it could possibly be that they have spent a similar amount on the OP recently.

She also makes out there isnt much cash but she wouldn't mind if he spent 1k on a bike. It contradicts eachother.

My point is that nothing in this is clear, but no one can assume she doesnt get to spend anything .

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lalalalyra · 30/01/2017 09:46

Do you each have personal spends? If that's where its coming from then it's entirely up to him. I'd be pissed off if my DH (who spends his personal spends on endless cups of coffee from Costa) tried to tell me how to spend mine that I'd saved (I spend mine on tattoos and a weekend away with friends).

If he's talking about taking a huge chunk of family money when you have very little then YANBU. If it's his own money and you just don't see the value in the tattoo then YABU.

BattleaxeGalactica · 30/01/2017 09:46

If that's what he really wants how is it any less fulfilling than a bike or a holiday?

PurpleDaisies · 30/01/2017 09:47

I think I choose to continue to save rather than spend. But that is my reward whereas he has chosen this as his reward. Need to remember we are two separate people sometimes!

It sounds like you need a serious discussion about your finances before you get married if you're not going to end up funding all the grown up things i.e. Savings for a rainy day while he just buys what he fancies.

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