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AIBU?

Sex, relationship, baby and a wedding. HELP

85 replies

Mummyalready1 · 29/01/2017 22:31

Needing some advice.
Sorry it's a long one- please read!!

We are a youngish couple with a 1 year old and engaged to be married next year.
However the past 3-6 months i haven't felt 100% like I want this wedding.
Our relationship isn't as fun and loving as it ever was. We both work too so always tired and busy which doesn't help, but our sex life is awful and I dread what it would be like when we are married!
He recently spoke to me about his low sex drive and doesn't know what to do or how to change it but the subject is so touchy I don't know what's best to do. It makes me feel so low then too because there doesn't feel like there's any love or emotion there at all!!
Mid wedding planning and I just can't help but think I'm doing the wrong thing but my heart is there??

Please help!!

OP posts:

Report

limon · 29/01/2017 22:40

If you don't feel 100% that you want to spend the restate if your life with this man, then don't marry him. That way lies mess and madness

Catsize · 29/01/2017 22:42

I suggest relationship counselling. It is really encouraging he has talked about this with you I think.

Not all marriages are sexual, but most are in the beginning at least.

If you are having doubts now, those are only likely to multiply. How will you feel on the day of the wedding, walking down the aisle etc?

user1485703469 · 29/01/2017 22:42

You have a 1 year old...is the father the man you are engaged to marry? If so then you should marry him as you are already a family and it's important for your child to have their dad. If he's not the father and you're not happy then don't get married.

Mummyalready1 · 29/01/2017 22:45

I have thought about counselling to see if that would improve things at all.
There's just no affection or anything.
It hasn't always been like this. We have been together 5 years now.

Yes he is the father to my baby so that I feel is also a strain as we are a family too.

OP posts:

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 29/01/2017 22:45

user148etetc

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/01/2017 22:48

Please do not go into this unless your 110% certain that this is right for you.
Yes okay sex isn't the be all and end all. I get that, and some couples are perfectly happy without it. So its horses for courses. However I don't think that'd be the case for you.
I'll hold my hands up. I couldn't remain in a sexless relationship.
I could suggest counselling, but. That takes time and money.
I'm certainly not putting any blame on him. He can't help not wanting sex. Your can't force a high or even moderate sex drive.

LHReturns · 29/01/2017 22:49

How long were you together before your baby arrived?

My (now DH) and I had only been together for 5 months when I got pregnant - although we were crazy in love at that stage. It was in some ways a shame that the (sort of planned) pregnancy happened so very fast because we then missed a good chunk of the lovely early days of normal, responsibility-free coupledom.

The first year of our DS life was NOT romantic in any way (I had PND for a start). But once we passed that stage the romance really did return and we almost returned to doing the early dating that we missed out on before DS was born. DS is now 2.5, we got married last year and are expecting another baby in May.

I guess what I am saying is that our relationship took a big stumble early in because we didn't have the 'credit in the bank' when the pregnancy and newborn stresses took over. But it turned out to be very worth it and I could not be happier or more satisfied now. I married my DH last year because he is the man for me NOT because we have a child together.

Is there any chance that your story could go the same way? Could dramatic life changes have got in the way? If you have already been together a very long time, then I would urge you to seriously reconsider the marriage. I would NOT get married because we had a child together.

LHReturns · 29/01/2017 22:50

Sorry, cross posted with you. I see you have been together for 5 years. I think you need to think very hard about the marriage.

user1485703469 · 29/01/2017 22:50

Then you owe it to your child to work at this relationship, ask for help, get counselling, do whatever you need to do. You are already a family whether you have a wedding or not.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 29/01/2017 22:50

If Hes the father. You should marry him.
Erm the 1950s text me. They want you back

Fourbyfour · 29/01/2017 22:51

Before you make any decisions try and work on improving your intimacy. Can you arrange a babysitter and go on a date night? Dress up, feel good about yourself, and commit to no talk about your little one. Real life easily gets in the way of relationships if you don't make time for the romance side. It sounds like you are both so busy you need to find some time to be yourselves again.

LHReturns · 29/01/2017 22:52

User, I'm sure OP is more than aware that they are already a family. That is no reason to marry the wrong man.

Rubberubberduckduck · 29/01/2017 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1485703469 · 29/01/2017 22:52

Yes, this is the right thing to do. They have a baby together.

Spartak · 29/01/2017 22:54

Since when did anyone need to do whatever they need to do to stay in a relationship for the sake of the child? Have we been transported back to 1954?

CosyCoupe88 · 29/01/2017 22:55

Postpone wedding for a few years. Take time to just come ti terms with being parents for now. That's enough of a life change. I was In a similar situation as you and went ahead with wedding and although I am happy to be married to my partner I wish I had put it off th menu for a while just to give us time to find our feet again and not have the wedding as another pressure while we were still getting used to being parents . I have changed so much since pre baby and my wedding was the one pre baby me planned as my mentality hadn't caught up yet. Don't know if this helps at all

But if you feel.like this now.. it only got worse and more stressful for me as doubt set in deeper and deeper. It wasn't doubt about my husband. .. I think I W's just a bit overwhelmed and just wanted to focus on my little one and me and my partners changing relationship.without putting it into a pressure cooker .

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 29/01/2017 22:56

user1485 I don't agree with you at all. It's important for OP's child to have their dad but how on earth is that guaranteed by marriage?

OP I think you need to have some honest conversations with your DP - you've mentioned low sex drive on his part but also that the relationship isn't as fun and loving as before. Does that mean there isn't as much affection and communication as before? Personally that would be a bigger issue than sex alone but obviously sex is important too. Perhaps try to widen the discussion to not feeling as close generally (not just about sex) to get communication going?

If you're not getting married until 2018 you've got a way to go yet and with a 1yo you're still quite early days on a big new stage of life. I think things could change quite quickly and it would probably be jumping the gun to call off the wedding just yet.

pipsqueak25 · 29/01/2017 22:59

some people think that married couples are more likely to stay together, is that your thinking user ? in reality i don't think so, if op is worried now might be better to delay things awhile longer, no point getting married to turn round a split up that would be worse for all concerned.

Mummyalready1 · 29/01/2017 23:04

Yes communication and affection isn't as good as before. Life just seems to get in the way now.

OP posts:

user1485703469 · 29/01/2017 23:05

Sometimes the right thing to do isn't always the most convenient thing or the thing we want to do. It is no surprise that so many relationships fail if people are not prepared to put the work in, or to take on a challenge in order to do what's best for their family. We live in a very individualistic society, and whilst this is socially acceptable in our times, it doesn't make it a good thing. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard and it means making some sacrifices and putting others before ourself.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 29/01/2017 23:09

OP I know what you mean! DH and I are pretty good at talking to each other but work, commute, 2 DC very much get in the way. Have you talked to your DP about this as a general issue rather than specifically about sex? A PP's suggestion of some time that's just the two of you (just a couple of hours even) is a really good one.

CockacidalManiac · 29/01/2017 23:13

User14etcetc

Not good advice. Not good advice at all
If you're having doubts, OP, then it's certainly a bad idea to get married at the moment.

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PovertyPain · 29/01/2017 23:13

Oh FFS user catch yourself on. 😒

Unless you are both able to communicate about what's going on, it's not going to get better and you are going to feel even more trapped.

allthecheese · 29/01/2017 23:14

Not a thread I would normally comment on but please please please ignore the rubbish that user1485 is coming out with!!

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 29/01/2017 23:14

user you clearly have an agenda here. The OP has not even mentioned ending her relationship, she is (understandably) concerned about getting married with that relationship not being in a great space at the moment. I don't think your diatribe on the virtues of self-sacrifice is helpful.

OP good luck. I have work tomorrow so off to bed now.

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