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To think my new boyfriend is actually in love with his work colleague

(360 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 21:48:30

I've known him a year now, met him when he had a girlfriend and once they split he got chatting to me on facebook and asked me on a date. We ended up dating and I've now met his family. He is obviously the type of guy who doesn't like to me alone as he's had three longterm relationships and after each longterm relationship he's started a new relationship weeks later. But it didn't bother me too much as he did seem genuinely over his ex and each relationship he's had has lasted over 3 years.

So he told me about a leaving party for an old work colleague but warned me that one of the women there had the hots for him so if he seemed off with her that was why. Sure enough when he arrived he avoided being around her and made a big point of holding my hand and showing her it was me he liked. Then one of the group got drunk, put their arm around the work colleague and told her she was beautiful to which my boyfriend showed visible distress. Before she was leaving he stopped her and told her to contact him if she needed anything.

A few months later we put our relationship on facebook. A lot of people liked it but the work colleague didnt. I saw on his facebook that a few days later he messaged his work colleague asking her a question I knew he already knew the answer to. I think he might have wanted her to see his profile picture and to know we had made it faceook official and that we were together. She replied saying she didn't know the answer to the question and hoped he was well. He never replied.

But he has searched her very regularly. He has searched her more than he has searched me or his ex put together. Infact he's only looked at his ex's profile once since they split.

Also, if she is an unwanted admirer surely you wouldn't message her? And although he has only messaged her once, that doesn't mean anything. If he likes her a lot he's probably be considering messaging for a long time but only just got the courage.

She has only messaged him once and that was a few days after mine and his first date and it was strictly about work. He did reply to her first message but not subsequent ones.

She has liked one of his profile pics but it's clear she's never initiated any contact or written any comments on his wall.

I'm now pretty sure she has never made any moves on him, and looking at her she is gorgeous so I can't see her being in love with my current boyfriend eventhough he is good looking.

If you're in a new relationship and in love, why would you be searching an old work colleague you've not seen for a while and messaging them? Why would you desire them to see you're in a relationship and comment on your facebook?

My best friend is the only one I've spoken to about this, and she said he asked you out. It's out he's interested and not to worry. If he liked her he would have made some kind of move. He hasn't so isn't interested.

I just get the feeling that if she messaged him now to say let's go for a date. He would say yes. He is too scared to ask her out so is trying to get her to ask him/show interest in him.

AIBU|?

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 21:51:51

Just to clarify she sent him one message regarding work and he replied and one more regarding another work related issue and he never replied to that. She hasn't sent him anymore messages except in reply to his latest message.

Underthemoonlight Sun 29-Jan-17 21:54:35

Firstly it's early days and your checking who he's messaging on FB and searching for? That's massively invasive on your part and that alone suggests to me you shouldn't be together.

Although it sounds as if maybe he fancys her and she's cooling off.

Believeitornot Sun 29-Jan-17 21:57:03

Why are you checking his social media movements? Does he know? hmm

I've searched exes etc because I'm nosy etc and yes I had some feelings for them but wouldn't act on it. Stopped after a while!

I think you need to stop snooping. Full stop.

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 21:58:33

I completely trusted him. It was only when I saw the way he was with her. I just wanted to know if she really was this creepy admirer after all.

I kind of agree that if he liked her he would make some moves and would have pursued her and not me.
The logical part of my brain says he would have done something. Even if that was inviting her out with friends. He's had ample opportunity to ask her out and never has.

He asked me out very quickly and could have easily asked her out. He chose not to. So I know I have to remember that and stop being silly.

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:00:40

I know I shouldn't go on it, no point telling me it's wrong as I already know that times 1000%.

But, now I have this evidence I need opinions of whats going on here. I have already decided to stop going on his facebook. It's not going to help anything. My curiosity and suspicion got the better of me.

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:01:22

And he's not just searched. He's messaged her.

Underthemoonlight Sun 29-Jan-17 22:02:42

How long you been together? You do know this ain't normal behaviour in a new relationship. It's not ok checking someone's social media accounts regardless if she was full on it's no excuse it's an invasion of privacy. Your relationship is in its infancy it should be about enjoying spending time together and getting to know one another not stalking your bfs social media.

RebelRogue Sun 29-Jan-17 22:03:51

How old are you?!?

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:05:27

Please for the love of god stop going on about my behaviour and if it's wrong or not. I don't go on his facebook anymore so it is a non issue. I have stopped now and already realised it was wrong.

I do not care what you think about that. Especially if you're not even going to answer my question and the reason I wrote the thread.

So is anyone going to answer whether they think he likes her or not? Is he trying to make her jealous?

I am normally a completely rational, non jealous person but his behaviour with her would make any unnerved.

Jaynebxl Sun 29-Jan-17 22:06:08

How do you know about the messages? Do you log in to his account?

WhooooAmI24601 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:06:13

You wanted to check if she was a creepy admirer? I think you might be the creepy one. Get off Facebook if you can't control yourself from counting likes.

Utter, utter madness, checking if a woman has liked your new 'relationship' status. This will be what finishes mankind off.

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:06:38

I am 28. And yes I know this man is making me feel 14 again! do feel very silly but I don't know what to think. I ned opinions on whether people think I'm being daft or if my instincts are right.

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:07:47

I don't care if you think I'm creepy. I only care on the opinions of whether you think he likes her. Not on me. Don't care less what people think of me.

CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease Sun 29-Jan-17 22:08:59

If you trusted him you wouldn't be checking his messages.

Underthemoonlight Sun 29-Jan-17 22:09:21

I told dh about this thread he said if I had acted this way at the start of a new relationship he would have cut ties there and then. You need to address your insecurities here which is you accessing his social media it's not acceptable this is your main issue here regardless if you want to admit it or not. I didn't think you would be 28 you sound younger. How long has this relationship being on?

TreeTop7 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:09:44

I think he's keen on her but that it's not reciprocated, or it is but she's playing it cool for whatever reason. Their behaviour sounds a bit teenagerish. I'd steer clear OP.

DonkeyOaty Sun 29-Jan-17 22:10:26

It doesn't matter if he likes her or not.

You don't trust him so game over. Cut him loose.

CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease Sun 29-Jan-17 22:11:18

I think he likes her and was playing hard to get by being off with her.

Actions speak louder than words....so being visibly distressed, contacting her unnecessarily.

Don't think this relationship is going anywhere. Get out now before he makes you feel a complete plonker.

Underthemoonlight Sun 29-Jan-17 22:11:35

END of the day you sound massively insecure this is a new relationship.I think you would find any excuse to check up on him.

It sounds like he liked her and she didn't reciprocate and he got knocked back nothing more and is most likely embarrassed so told you she liked him.

WhooooAmI24601 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:12:29

Does it matter? Do you think if people agree with you it's going to make your absolute lunacy somehow more acceptable? You're insecure, jealous and obviously upset over a non-event with a woman who is showing no interest in your partner. The issue isn't with her, it's with your total lack of trust.

If you don't trust him you have no future with him. It makes no odds if he's chasing her or interested in her or even in love with her. Chasing after someone you don't trust, checking up on social media, dancing about thinking "does he really love me" means your relationship needs sorting out. Sort it out and forget this woman.

wiltedflower28 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:13:22

I think he's keen on her but that it's not reciprocated, or it is but she's playing it cool for whatever reason. Their behaviour sounds a bit teenagerish. I'd steer clear OP

He is acting like a teenager I agree. But she isn't. She seemed really mature. It's hard to know as they worked together and I have no idea what they were like when they worked together. He only mentioned her in passing and said she liked him but he didn't feel the same. He seemed jealous when someone told her she was beautiful.

If he liked her he would have asked her out right?

Chinnygirl Sun 29-Jan-17 22:15:22

You sound very obsessed. That is why we won't answer you. It would give you incentive to go on. You are being very unhealthy about this.

Underthemoonlight Sun 29-Jan-17 22:15:38

He might have and got knocked back end of the day he's going out with you take from it what you want but you cannot stalk his social media. Again how long have you been together a month two three?

AtSea1979 Sun 29-Jan-17 22:15:55

I wouldn't worry he fancies her. From what you have said it sounds more like they have a FWB thing going on.

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