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Is it ever OK to text a parent complaining about their child?

(66 Posts)
ReturnOfTheSausages Sun 29-Jan-17 19:57:47

7 year old DTs went to a party this morning . I dropped them off and none of the parents stayed. Picked them up later and came home.

I've been out this evening and I've come home to find a text on my phone from another parent complaining about DT1 shock

I'm friendly with this mother and our boys used to get on well generally with the odd normal falling out .

DT1 has been spending more time lately with another group of boys he likes to play with.

According to this parent , DT1 was nasty to her son at the party and this is the "final straw " - she is making a complaint to school about my son tomorrow .

My DS also , according to the mother , took her sons cake off his plate and ate it .

I've spoken to DT1 and he said that this boys cake had gone "missing" whilst they were all playing with balloons but he definitely didn't take it - the boy had asked DT1 where it was and DT1 said he didn't know. The boy then cried .

I've asked DT1 what has been happening at school and he says he plays with other boys and often this boy wants to play with DT1 alone and gets upset when DT1 doesn't want to.

For context , we used to have regular play dates with this boy but I stopped encouraging the friendship as whenever he came over he was openly rude and nasty to my DT2. He would also go in constant strops if things didn't go his way and you could never tell if what he was saying was fact or tall tales. He was pretty full on.

He also once alleged my DT1 had punched him in the face at school - horrified , I asked the teacher if this was true and the teacher had said no hmm

DT1 never was invited over to this boys house to play .

That said , I know there is always two sides to every story and I am in no way under the impression that DT1 has been constantly patient and kind with the situation !

I'm friendly with this parent but I'm quite annoyed that she's chosen to message me rather than approach school first !

What do I reply with ? confused

LovingLola Sun 29-Jan-17 19:59:34

I would call her rather than text her. And why would she approach the school about incidents that happened at a non-school birthday party?

Strictly1 Sun 29-Jan-17 20:00:11

Whilst I would be cross I'd take the higher ground and ignore it. If she complains to school and it is as you describe she will get no where. Your poor son.

happyfeet1 Sun 29-Jan-17 20:01:08

I'd be pleased she approached me first, in fact I'd me annoyed that it took until it got to the 'final straw' when she was going to complain to school. I'd have expected her to approach me if she had issues with my child sooner then we could try to resolve it.

Has she contacted you about things that have happened previously?

OwlinaTree Sun 29-Jan-17 20:01:43

Reply with 'I don't think the friendship is working for the boys anymore. I'll tell dt1 to stay away from your son from now on'

ReturnOfTheSausages Sun 29-Jan-17 20:02:12

LovingLola because according to the mother the party is the "final straw" and there have been incidents at school.

None of which I'm aware of .

happyfeet1 Sun 29-Jan-17 20:02:14

I don't think school would want anything to do with the birthday party thing either.

pipsqueak25 Sun 29-Jan-17 20:03:16

for goodness sake phone ! i'd be royally peed off being texted about this tbh, there is no need to throw accusations around but try to get to the crux of the matter. better she speaks to you first rather than school in this case as you are 'friends'

edwinbear Sun 29-Jan-17 20:03:47

I'd far rather she took it up with me in the first instance and would hope we could resolve issues between us without dragging school into it.

ReturnOfTheSausages Sun 29-Jan-17 20:03:58

No nothing has ever been mentioned before this .

I've had gripes with her sons behaviour but I wouldn't dream of contacting her to tell - if it was serious enough to warrant contact , I'd speak to school .

ASDismynormality Sun 29-Jan-17 20:06:02

A parent once sent me a message to say that my DD had been mean to her DD at school. I told her to please tell the class teacher, she didn't she sent a message to back to say it wasn't my daughter but one of her friends.
If there are friendship issues in school let the school deal with it as they usually see both sides of the story.

gazingatthestars Sun 29-Jan-17 20:06:12

Oh gosh I think she did the right thing by telling you first and straight to your face.
Gives you a chance to talk about it with her.
It's hard for a parent to sometimes take that their child is behaving badly. In this case it seems like all of the children are.

OdinsLoveChild Sun 29-Jan-17 20:06:39

It's not really a school issue and I'm sure they will tell her that anyway.
I wouldn't bother replying to her but if you must then just acknowledge what shes said along the lines of ' thanks for your text, I will have a chat with dt and deal with this accordingly'.
Theres no need to tell her whether you did or did not discipline. She will hopefully feel you have done something and taken her seriously.
Then block her from your phone grin

ReturnOfTheSausages Sun 29-Jan-17 20:08:22

Her message is quite blunt .

She has listed issues she's had with my DT1 (according to her son) which have apparently happened in school .

I've asked DT1 and he denies some of it and other parts of it he has painted a different picture .

DT1 is now crying because he feels like he's going to get in trouble .

ToadsforJustice Sun 29-Jan-17 20:11:07

What does she think the school is going to do?

bumsexatthebingo Sun 29-Jan-17 20:11:39

I would message back to say that you think it would be better if the boys were encouraged to play with others for a while and mention some of the incidents that have been going on and that you'll also be speaking to the teacher to get a fuller picture. Sounds like her son has a problem when he doesn't have your son to himself. They both sound like hard work and since your son has other friends I couldn't be bothered with the hassle.

MycatsaPirate Sun 29-Jan-17 20:12:03

Parents should really let school deal with these things. It just escalates things otherwise.

One of my very good friends messaged me a while ago and said my DD had pushed her DD in the classroom and that it's best if they don't see each other anymore. We live in the same street so summer will be fun! I asked DD and she told me that her DD had pushed another girl and DD had said it wasn't nice and then she pushed my DD. So DD pushed her back. They are 11 ffs. The teacher told both of them off and that if they carried on being silly they'd both be put in detention. But no, lets escalate it to epic proportions to the point that my DD is now ostracised from an entire group of girls who have all been told to keep away by my friend.

Just speak to the school.

EmeraldIsland Sun 29-Jan-17 20:13:05

'See you in the HT's office, Bitch'.

[Not really]. I would be tempted not to reply at all, she will find it far more infuriating than a response.

breakfastnotattiffanys Sun 29-Jan-17 20:13:25

Assuming she didn't stay at the party and so obviously didn't see these things happening I would say something on the lines of 'my son's version of events differs from yours, I believe my son is telling me the truth, are you sure yours is? Also forget about her complaining to school, if you haven't already been contacted by school about your boys 'behaviour' with this child (at school) then they obviously have no concerns. They will not be interested about out of school 'problems' and would just tell her they'll keep an eye on both boys imo

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Sun 29-Jan-17 20:14:31

I think it's best to let her know that you think the boy's have drifted apart as friends. 7 year-olds are pretty fickle; best friends one day, falling out the next. That's all normal 7 year-old behaviour in my experience.

If either of you think there is bullying going on at school from either side, then the mum making a noise at school will flag that up. It may actually be more easily resolved by the school if there is an issue, rather than you mums having a spat.

The school would look at any issues from a neutral perspective. I agree with previous comments though, they won't be remotely interested in 2nd hand anecdotes from a child's party.. how ludicrous grin.

ReturnOfTheSausages Sun 29-Jan-17 20:15:48

Yes DT1 can be hard work grin

I'm thinking of sending this:

"I'm sorry to hear XXX was upset. I've spoken to DT1 and he says he didn't take his cake. Maybe we should encourage them to play with other people for a while. Hope XXX feels better soon . Sausages ".

Does this sound ok ?

AllTheLight Sun 29-Jan-17 20:17:29

I would ignore the text if I were you.

Talk to the school tomorrow.

ReturnOfTheSausages Sun 29-Jan-17 20:18:28

I've no patience for parent playground wars !

Wishforsnow Sun 29-Jan-17 20:19:26

Phew, read the title and clicked on here in case my child had done something today and you were contemplating texting the parent!

Nocabbageinmyeye Sun 29-Jan-17 20:19:51

I'd text her back "There are two sides to each story and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. Talk to the teacher and if she had any issues she can give me a call, i'd rather you did that to be honest, in all the issues I have had with x I didn't text you as i'd rather things weren't awkward", he is mean to your dt2, he wants to play with dt1 and she thinks the sun shines out of her childs arse so you won't win with her anyway so let the teacher deal with it, if she mentions cake the teacher will think she is bonkers anyway

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