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AIBU?

to continue even though i felt uncomfortable

60 replies

Discobabe98 · 29/01/2017 19:34

Hi I am a first time poster long time lurker, I don't even have kids but just always happen to come to mumsnet for advice on stuff like mental health body confidence job problems blah blah etc.

So basically I am wondering am I in the wrong here. Was at a friends house last night who was having a small gathering/party and I knew most people. I was having a fair enough time until I happened to be alone in the kitchen when a boy I have known/ known of (we have mutual friends) for about a year, slammed the door shut and came onto me. I was extremely drunk and am struggling to recall everything perfectly as i type this but I remember being shocked and kissing back out of fear. Said boy is quite intimidating and belittling so I was feeling extremely awkward and not sure how to get out of the situation as no one else was about. I know I shouldve nipped it in the bud and stopped him there and then but as I say I was both scared and too drunk to know what to do.

Anytime someone would come into the room he would immediately pull away from me and pretend to make normal convo. I should have realised at the time this was because he has a gf but I completely forgot this until everything had happened.

Anyway this led outside where he started to get touchy in places I felt uncomfortable with but I still didn't say no, though I did't say yes either. I let him do what he wanted, which basically consisted of everything but actual penile penetration, although I remember him quite aggressively stating several times that he wanted to, and was getting really annoyed when I said I really wasn't sure, calling me a piece of shit etc and tugging my hair (he was quite aggressive in general as I have woken up with several bruises and both my earrings ripped out).

I don't have a really accurate measure of time but I think maybe about half an hour/ 45 mins later I remember coming back inside and just breaking down, alone in a room as I remembered about his gf. We are both attending a formal in less than two weeks where he is going with this girl and I don't think I'll be able to look her in the eye let alone tell her, although she deserves to know.

I have obviously not messaged him since but he has sent me a snapchat today saying 'nothing happened'. i think he is terrified that I might tell his girlfriend.

Sorry if this is more of a WWYD or should be posted in another thread but I suppose I am just wanting reassurance/backing that I should tell his girlfriend, and was I in the wrong all along by not telling him no upfront. I have told two of my closest friends, one said that it was his fault for deliberately cheating and the other said I need to be more careful.

Thanks for reading if you got this far, sorry its long Blush

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Discobabe98 · 29/01/2017 19:36

Oh, forgot to mention. I'm 18 btw.

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SaltySalt · 29/01/2017 19:36

What an absolute fucker! And yes now he's running scared, what a shit.

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SmileEachDay · 29/01/2017 19:38

You've been sexually assaulted my dear.

You need to talk this through with someone you trust - do you have a mum/sister/Auntie?

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

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Amandahugandkisses · 29/01/2017 19:38

I would go to the police. You have been assaulted.

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Merlin40 · 29/01/2017 19:40

I would also go to the police.

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WellErrr · 29/01/2017 19:41

You've been sexually assaulted. Go to the police. If you can't bring yourself to say what happened, write it down.

I'm sorry this happened to you Flowers

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Deelove · 29/01/2017 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ due to victim blaming. See our We Believe You Campaign.

SapphireSeptember · 29/01/2017 19:43

Firstly, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Secondly, he shouldn't be just worrying about you telling his girlfriend, he should be worried about you telling the police. This was sexual assault. He's a nasty piece of work and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But if you feel up to it go to the police, you have bruises and his message as evidence and they'll listen to you. Flowers

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Discobabe98 · 29/01/2017 19:43

I'm not sure how to reply to individual messages/mention users but SmileEachDay I am 18.

Thanks for the replies guys, I think my main worry is that he may feel he has done nothing wrong legally, (obviously the cheating is v wrong) but considering I didn't verbalise the word 'no' at any point, the furthest i said is that i wasn't sure, but even then I think he might've taken my willingness/ engagement as consent? Not sure if that makes sense.

I feel so angry at myself for not stopping him

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DeathStare · 29/01/2017 19:44

Your friends are both wrong. This wasn't "cheating" - it was sexual assault. And there is nothing that you are to blame for in this.

Please phone the rape crisis helpline (it's open now until 9.30pm tonight) rapecrisis.org.uk/ They will be able to give you confidential support and advice. The number is 0808 802 9999.

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SmileEachDay · 29/01/2017 19:45

He has done something wrong legally. You did not give your consent to him touching you in the way he did and you only didn't verbalise this because you were scared.

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Discobabe98 · 29/01/2017 19:45

Oh DeeLove sorry it's a local term, a formal is what we call the sixth form leaving prom over here.

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SmileEachDay · 29/01/2017 19:46

Ah, you're still at school - is there a mentor/pastoral person/head of year you have a good relationship with?

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Discobabe98 · 29/01/2017 19:49

I'm actually at college as I left school a year early( should be upper sixth). The formal/prom I am going to is the school's that he attends, as I am going with a friend who also attends so it is not my school. I've only been at this college since September so I'm not exactly sure who the pastoral people are etc. Thanks for the suggestion, I should maybe look into that

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SmileEachDay · 29/01/2017 19:51

Who do you live with?

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Comfortzone · 29/01/2017 19:56

This is awful I hope you'll be ok

He WILL have known from your rejecting behaviour that your didn't want his attention, so in that sense he DID know

Plus surely the bruising will show that a struggle took place?

Please please see the police before he does this to another female. I hope you'll be strong enough to do this. They will take you seriously and afterwards you'll be glad you stood up for yourself and reported it, otherwise in a few months will you still be wondering if you should have told police or not.

And don't feel you HAVE to attend the formal if it will be too hard for you...perhaps you'll be 'ill' that day or have to go elsewhere?

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Discobabe98 · 29/01/2017 19:56

I still live at home with both parents although my relationship with them is not great. I suppose looking at it, the best options seems to be to go to the police although I think I'm just hesitant as I hadn't considered it that serious Sad

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SmileEachDay · 29/01/2017 19:57

comfort it's not the OP's responsibility to stop him doing the same to another woman.

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PoppadomPreach · 29/01/2017 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ - please remember we don't allow personal attacks.

picklemepopcorn · 29/01/2017 20:02

What country are you in? Go to the police (depending on the country) or an assault support centre, if there is one.

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Mulberry72 · 29/01/2017 20:03

DeeLove No need.

OP Please take Deathstares advice, I can't offer any other advice than that but please, please talk to someone professional. This is not your fault.

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Backt0Black · 29/01/2017 20:03

similar view to Poppadom here. .. Dee, you're vile.

Go to the police OP. ASAP. While you still have visible evidence and the memory is fresh.

And whatever dicks like Dee say..... do NOT blame yourself.

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Comfortzone · 29/01/2017 20:04

Smile - sorry not what I intended to express - of course it's absolutely not the OP responsibility to prevent this happening but I would hate for it to happen to anyone else if it happened to me and for ME it would be an incentive for ME to report it so that this nasty piece of work can't do it again, if you see what I mean

The bruising will show that even though you didn't recall verbalising no, he was forceful enough to cause bruising. I hope you'll get some good advice on here OP to help you decide what you feel is best for you to do

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Pigflewpast · 29/01/2017 20:07

Can you tell you're mum and ask her to go to the police with you? I know you said you're relationship with her isn't great, but unless it's non existent I'm sure she'll help you, you're her little girl even if you're not getting in at the moment.

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sussexman · 29/01/2017 20:08

As others have said, you were assaulted. It will be hard to go to the police, and hard to tell your parents (or another adult friend you can trust), but you should, if you can, do this. You'll need support (hence the parent/friend) and the police can not only assist with the assault, but also put you in touch with people IRL who know what this is like and can help you through it.

It isn't on, and it isn't your fault. Being scared and not saying no doesn't mean that you said yes or were in agreement. You were absolutely not in the wrong by not saying no upfront. You'll see from the responses on here that people understand that and are on your side.

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