to continue even though i felt uncomfortable(61 Posts)
Hi I am a first time poster long time lurker, I don't even have kids but just always happen to come to mumsnet for advice on stuff like mental health body confidence job problems blah blah etc.
So basically I am wondering am I in the wrong here. Was at a friends house last night who was having a small gathering/party and I knew most people. I was having a fair enough time until I happened to be alone in the kitchen when a boy I have known/ known of (we have mutual friends) for about a year, slammed the door shut and came onto me. I was extremely drunk and am struggling to recall everything perfectly as i type this but I remember being shocked and kissing back out of fear. Said boy is quite intimidating and belittling so I was feeling extremely awkward and not sure how to get out of the situation as no one else was about. I know I shouldve nipped it in the bud and stopped him there and then but as I say I was both scared and too drunk to know what to do.
Anytime someone would come into the room he would immediately pull away from me and pretend to make normal convo. I should have realised at the time this was because he has a gf but I completely forgot this until everything had happened.
Anyway this led outside where he started to get touchy in places I felt uncomfortable with but I still didn't say no, though I did't say yes either. I let him do what he wanted, which basically consisted of everything but actual penile penetration, although I remember him quite aggressively stating several times that he wanted to, and was getting really annoyed when I said I really wasn't sure, calling me a piece of shit etc and tugging my hair (he was quite aggressive in general as I have woken up with several bruises and both my earrings ripped out).
I don't have a really accurate measure of time but I think maybe about half an hour/ 45 mins later I remember coming back inside and just breaking down, alone in a room as I remembered about his gf. We are both attending a formal in less than two weeks where he is going with this girl and I don't think I'll be able to look her in the eye let alone tell her, although she deserves to know.
I have obviously not messaged him since but he has sent me a snapchat today saying 'nothing happened'. i think he is terrified that I might tell his girlfriend.
Sorry if this is more of a WWYD or should be posted in another thread but I suppose I am just wanting reassurance/backing that I should tell his girlfriend, and was I in the wrong all along by not telling him no upfront. I have told two of my closest friends, one said that it was his fault for deliberately cheating and the other said I need to be more careful.
Thanks for reading if you got this far, sorry its long
What an absolute fucker! And yes now he's running scared, what a shit.
You've been sexually assaulted my dear.
You need to talk this through with someone you trust - do you have a mum/sister/Auntie?
How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?
I would go to the police. You have been assaulted.
You've been sexually assaulted. Go to the police. If you can't bring yourself to say what happened, write it down.
I'm sorry this happened to you
Message deleted by MNHQ due to victim blaming. See our We Believe You Campaign.
Firstly, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Secondly, he shouldn't be just worrying about you telling his girlfriend, he should be worried about you telling the police. This was sexual assault. He's a nasty piece of work and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But if you feel up to it go to the police, you have bruises and his message as evidence and they'll listen to you.
I'm not sure how to reply to individual messages/mention users but SmileEachDay I am 18.
Thanks for the replies guys, I think my main worry is that he may feel he has done nothing wrong legally, (obviously the cheating is v wrong) but considering I didn't verbalise the word 'no' at any point, the furthest i said is that i wasn't sure, but even then I think he might've taken my willingness/ engagement as consent? Not sure if that makes sense.
I feel so angry at myself for not stopping him
Your friends are both wrong. This wasn't "cheating" - it was sexual assault. And there is nothing that you are to blame for in this.
Please phone the rape crisis helpline (it's open now until 9.30pm tonight) rapecrisis.org.uk/ They will be able to give you confidential support and advice. The number is 0808 802 9999.
He has done something wrong legally. You did not give your consent to him touching you in the way he did and you only didn't verbalise this because you were scared.
Oh DeeLove sorry it's a local term, a formal is what we call the sixth form leaving prom over here.
Ah, you're still at school - is there a mentor/pastoral person/head of year you have a good relationship with?
I'm actually at college as I left school a year early( should be upper sixth). The formal/prom I am going to is the school's that he attends, as I am going with a friend who also attends so it is not my school. I've only been at this college since September so I'm not exactly sure who the pastoral people are etc. Thanks for the suggestion, I should maybe look into that
This is awful I hope you'll be ok
He WILL have known from your rejecting behaviour that your didn't want his attention, so in that sense he DID know
Plus surely the bruising will show that a struggle took place?
Please please see the police before he does this to another female. I hope you'll be strong enough to do this. They will take you seriously and afterwards you'll be glad you stood up for yourself and reported it, otherwise in a few months will you still be wondering if you should have told police or not.
And don't feel you HAVE to attend the formal if it will be too hard for you...perhaps you'll be 'ill' that day or have to go elsewhere?
I still live at home with both parents although my relationship with them is not great. I suppose looking at it, the best options seems to be to go to the police although I think I'm just hesitant as I hadn't considered it that serious
comfort it's not the OP's responsibility to stop him doing the same to another woman.
Message deleted by MNHQ - please remember we don't allow personal attacks.
What country are you in? Go to the police (depending on the country) or an assault support centre, if there is one.
DeeLove No need.
OP Please take Deathstares advice, I can't offer any other advice than that but please, please talk to someone professional. This is not your fault.
similar view to Poppadom here. .. Dee, you're vile.
Go to the police OP. ASAP. While you still have visible evidence and the memory is fresh.
And whatever dicks like Dee say..... do NOT blame yourself.
Smile - sorry not what I intended to express - of course it's absolutely not the OP responsibility to prevent this happening but I would hate for it to happen to anyone else if it happened to me and for ME it would be an incentive for ME to report it so that this nasty piece of work can't do it again, if you see what I mean
The bruising will show that even though you didn't recall verbalising no, he was forceful enough to cause bruising. I hope you'll get some good advice on here OP to help you decide what you feel is best for you to do
Can you tell you're mum and ask her to go to the police with you? I know you said you're relationship with her isn't great, but unless it's non existent I'm sure she'll help you, you're her little girl even if you're not getting in at the moment.
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