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To have said no to my mum visiting so soon?

(15 Posts)
CherryChasingDotMuncher Sun 29-Jan-17 13:27:08

I had my second child, a little boy, 11 days ago. I have a 3yo DD and we've all been coping quite well considering!

My mum lives abroad, it's a very long story but in the last year she has moved back to the UK twice and ended up going back abroad as she's decided both times that's where she feels happiest. Quick background, both times she moved back its because she doesn't want to be with her husband, and both times she changed her mind and went back to him. There's a huge history that involves me and his treatment/abuse of me that I won't bore you with but if you knew the full story you'd think she was mad for going back. Me and her for various reasons have quite a fraught relationship, she is very controlling and critical and PA, I find a simple phone call with her very frustrating.

Anyway with DD she came to visit after DH went back to work, I figured it's best to have her here when I need help the most. When I was pregnant we agreed to do the same this time. We are also getting our garage converted into a sound proof office for DH to work in (he works from home) it's nearly finished just getting carpet fitted next weekend.

I messaged my mum to say she can come any time after next weekend, office will be finished. It means DH can work in peace as he's just using the spare room at the moment (my mum is very loud and has absolutely no respect for the fact he works from home, so it was important we got the office finished before she arrived as he really struggles when she visits).

It's her birthday next week and she replied to say that she really hoped she could be here for her birthday so I could get her presents and bake her a cake like she did for my birthday (my last was my 30th so she made a special effort I don't usually get a cake!). She said if it's not next week then it will have to be March as she has a few things coming up and then half term holidays are expensive to fly.

I rang her and she was very PA saying "I'm sure my grandson will forgive me if I don't meet him until he's 6 weeks old" hmm and is also upset as she wanted to be treated on her birthday, she "made the effort for me on my birthday with a cake and she thought I could return the favour".

One of the reasons me and mum don't get on is because she has very old fashioned views about how a wife and mother should behave and I don't fit them. I'm shit at baking, and have no desire to bake. I told her that I'm crap at baking and anyway I'd have a 2 week old so even if it wasn't crap I didn't think it was fair to ask me to do that with a newborn. She replied by saying "he's not a newborn, he's 10 days old" hmm when she came after DD was born, she was full of promises about cleaning, cooking etc but I ended up doing all of it and she moaned as she didn't like anything I'd cooked, afterall she was there to see her grand daughter, not to "skivvy after me".

Anyway now and again I get sick of the digs and I snap, and I did this yesterday by saying if she'd wanted to see her grandson sooner then she could have stayed in uk then she'd just be round the corner, but she chose to go back abroad and can't complain at me when she doesn't get her way with visiting (I was 6 months pregnant last time she moved back abroad).

I'm now in the bad books, but WIBU to say she can't come next week? I don't like being dictated to about when she visits, it's hard enough work when she's here and I find if I'm not assertive with her then I get trampled all over! And sorry but I think a demand to bake a cake is a bit childish, it's not a 'special' birthday, and I genuinely think she does these things for me in the first place so she can throw it back in my face later down the line!

IMissGrannyW Sun 29-Jan-17 13:32:05

I don't think this is about the baby or the cake. Congrats on your baby flowers and he's never going to know if his granny met him when he was 10 days or 6 months. Do what's right for you and what causes you the least stress.

I don't think you're going to change your mum's mind, so don't bother trying.

PurpleWithRed Sun 29-Jan-17 13:35:20

This is so not about your willingness or ability to bake her a cake.

She is welcome after next weekend when DH's office is finished. The rest of it try to just Rise Above. Must drive you nuts.

Trifleorbust Sun 29-Jan-17 13:38:40

Just ignore her. Tell her when she can come and repeat that you don't have time to bake. Sometimes you have to put aside what someone else thinks.

S1lentAllTheseYears Sun 29-Jan-17 13:58:11

She sounds like a nightmare and her visit is going to be very stessful for you and DH whenever she comes so you may as well go for the less awful one which is after his office is finished.

March would be better for you anyway so, if that's when she wants to come - fine!

Cherrysoup Sun 29-Jan-17 14:20:51

She comes when you say, or when she does. Yanbu, she is. My parents did this one time, telling me when they wanted to come, despite me working f/t and them being retired. I had the phone put down on me and blissful quiet for weeks. Lovely!

AmeliaJack Sun 29-Jan-17 14:25:45

She expected her postpartum
daughter to bake her a cake?



She isn't really going to help anyway.
Ignore the PA statements and take them at face value - "yes March would be a great time for a visit"

ohfourfoxache Sun 29-Jan-17 14:49:46


If you're in her bad books long enough then will the visit be postponed indefinitely? If so then I think I'd snap at her during every phone call just to make sure she stays where she is

Katy07 Sun 29-Jan-17 14:56:08

Ignore the PA statements and take them at face value - "yes March would be a great time for a visit"
This. Let's face it, March is just round the corner and if she's going to be a hindrance rather than a help... And she expects you to bake her a cake when you've a (as near as dammit) newborn? hmm

Enidblyton1 Sun 29-Jan-17 15:00:45

I'd just say it's fine for her to come in March and that you're v sorry that you can't be with her for her birthday. You can always do a belated celebration when she comes in a few weeks.
Your Mum does sound annoying, but I get the sense she is very sad and lonely (assume she is miserable with her husband, but can't bare to leave her life abroad) which would explain her petulant behaviour. It's not an excuse, though people do and say silly things when they are upset.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 29-Jan-17 15:14:18

Tell her you understand that she has commitments, and March will be just fine !
Under no circumstances bake that flippin' cake OP, you have enough to contend with.

DorotheaHomeAlone Sun 29-Jan-17 15:17:45

She sounds ridiculous and rude. I agree with the advice to just rise above it in future. Let her visit in march

Marmalady75 Sun 29-Jan-17 17:10:13

Tell her March suits you better, plus the weather will be better for going out for a walk/playing at park etc. As for the cake, well, I'd bake it and if she doesn't like it say "I did warn you I can't bake. At least you got a decent cake on your real birthday" all said with a big smile.

DeathStare Sun 29-Jan-17 17:52:00

Why are you having her to stay at all? It sounds like nothing but stress for you and your DH. You aren't obliged to have her.

ChishandFips33 Sun 29-Jan-17 18:01:39

March it is then grin

If you give in now you'll set the scene - stand your ground on the original dates then it's her choice if she comes later and that would be fine too.

Like pp said your son won't know any different and things will have settled down in your house so hopefully you'll be more resilient to her ways

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