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To worry about having a baby as an older mum?

(110 Posts)
sealswithwhiskers Sun 29-Jan-17 11:02:05

I am 36 today.

Realistically if I ever have a baby I'll be at least 37.

My mum had me at 35. I've never thought of any age to be "too old" to have a child, as it's none of my business but for me I'm wondering.

My mum used to tell me about her childhood in the 50s and her adolescence in the 60s and it just all felt completely remote, like another era. She struggled to understand or identify with any of my concerns or worries - everything was dismissed as I was lucky to have what she didn't. She was so old fashioned. Although I was born in 1981 I had a childhood more akin to a child born in 1971. School photos show me with my hair in plaits wearing a fussy dress. Sixties music played in the car.

I don't know what I'm saying here but I suppose I'm worried that my experiences of a little girl in the 80s and a 90s teenager and young adult in the 00s might seem as remote to my child as my mum was to me. I didn't have a great relationship with her though so it's probably more that. Can anyone put my mind at rest?

Beeblossombee Sun 29-Jan-17 11:09:49

I don't think your age is the be all and end all. If you recognise you struggled to relate to your own mothers experiences, you are a step ahead and can make sure that you make the effort to relate to your child's experiences.

If that is the only thing holding you back from having a child, I would urge you not to worry too much about it.

saoirse31 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:09:52

Had ds at 36, but almost 37...days may have been involved! Ds is now...old enough to drive! Things r v different I think these days in terms of kids talking to parents, once u communicate and keep doing so you'll be fine. Absolutely not too old. Also ur old enough to know what's what and not get carried away by anyone else's expectations for parents, children etc.

saoirse31 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:11:26

And u know, ur child will more than likely think u did some things wrong, but that's part of being a parent. His or her children will think the same.

formerbabe Sun 29-Jan-17 11:15:15

I don't think you should worry but I do know what you are talking about. Decades ago, people seemed to age earlier and faster. Even as a child I remember women in their 60s and 70s looked like proper little old ladies with headscarfs! It's not like that now. My gym is full of older women fashionably dressed in the latest sportswear, talking about their evenings out and drinking prosecco! Fashions change a lot, people in their 30s and 40s are still considered young, they buy clothes in topshop and listen to current music...You don't need to worry!

LaunchParty Sun 29-Jan-17 11:17:19

Lol at all of this

Umm I was born in 71 and had my second child at 36. You sound absolutely bloody ridiculous if I'm being honest.

sealswithwhiskers Sun 29-Jan-17 11:17:53

That's a very good and reassuring point - thanks! My mother cut all her hair off when she was about 42 and had it coloured this awful mouse colour! It was SO ageing!

sealswithwhiskers Sun 29-Jan-17 11:20:25

That's fine, Launch but unfortunately it's true. I did, as a child born in 1981, find my 1945 born mother difficult to relate to and I'm sure she'd have said the same. I was bullied mercilessly at school for the clothes I was dressed in and for having so little knowledge of popular culture from that time.

I am perfectly happy to accept this was my mum rather than her age - I'm sure I'd have found her difficult if I had been born in 1971 - but there was this sense of not ever really knowing her, as her world was so very different to mine.

Basicbrown Sun 29-Jan-17 11:21:29

Lol sounds like my childhood, DM had me in her 20s. At least you had plaits I had a bowl but I also had the 60s music and grew to quite like it Yabu and can parent however you like now it's your turn

LaunchParty Sun 29-Jan-17 11:21:37

This is about your mother as a person with her likes and dislikes and nothing more.

35 isn't old to have a baby. Sorry to sound harsh but just get a slight grip on yourself and parent your child as you feel best if you decide to have one

NataliaOsipova Sun 29-Jan-17 11:21:55

Times have changed. 37 is a perfectly normal age to have a baby these days. Sure - you won't be the youngest at the school gate, but you won't be the oldest either. In many circles, you'd be completely unremarkable. Don't worry about it.

sealswithwhiskers Sun 29-Jan-17 11:22:35

I like it too grin but it might have been helpful to have occasionally had the radio on to avoid me getting ripped to shreds!

It's very hard to explain but obviously, am keen to avoid making similar mistakes.

LaunchParty Sun 29-Jan-17 11:22:36

And you do understand that there is a generation gap don't you? That's the whole point. You don't have to be bezzie mates you know.

sealswithwhiskers Sun 29-Jan-17 11:23:34

Launch it's not, really.

Natalia being honest, here I would be VERY old. I should be approaching granny age. I'd say round here the norm for your first is maybe 22.

flappynewyear Sun 29-Jan-17 11:24:16

I thought that all children (whether their parents had them at 16 or 60) consider their parents to be ancient and from a parallel universe? My DM had me at 27 and I remember in Y3 being genuinely shocked that she had electricity growing up. I considered her to be from the 'olden days' hmm She was actually very modern too!

sealswithwhiskers Sun 29-Jan-17 11:25:01

You could well be right, flappy

TSSDNCOP Sun 29-Jan-17 11:25:14

Oh dear God, I had DS at 39. I am down with popular culture to such an extent his toes curl on a daily basis.

Basicbrown Sun 29-Jan-17 11:29:32

I like it too grin but it might have been helpful to have occasionally had the radio on to avoid me getting ripped to shreds!
😂😂😂 TBF we did have the radio on occasionally as well.

Just learn from it and keep talking to them remembering to listen. My oldest is now nearly 8. I always say to her 'If you need anything tell me'. She does and I act on it. It is as simple as that really.

Rufus27 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:29:47

Just become a mum at 44 (45 next week). I have friends who have become mums even later than this. Whether or not we may be perceived as old or 'dated' mums is really down to the individual person and their outlook on life. I can think of at least one mum locally who's nearly 20 years younger than me, but not half as active, hands-on and 'modern' (as that's what you seem concerned about). You really cant generalise.

To be honest, I know I am a much better mum now than I would have been in my 20s or 30s and have much more to offer my baby.

KC225 Sun 29-Jan-17 11:32:04

I had twins one week before my 43 to birthday. My husband is 6 months older. I was never referred to as an 'geratric mother' or made to feel 'older'. My GP knew we were having fertility treatment and when told her I was pregnant hugged me and said 'well done'. In the part of London we lived at the time it wasn't unusual. I wasn't even though oldest woman on the ward. Woman opposite me was 45. Have I been tired - YEEESSSS but show me a twin who isn't. 37/38 is young

sealswithwhiskers Sun 29-Jan-17 11:36:09

Oh, I'm not fussed about tiredness. I don't think that's an "older mum" thing as much as a "mum" thing.

It's more that I worry our worlds would be so very far apart in years as to be incompatible. My mother died when I was still at school so I've no way of knowing if her world would have become more real and more vivid to me as I grew up.

Blondeshavemorefun Sun 29-Jan-17 11:38:55

I'm 43 and almost 32w and yes refered as geriatric

But Mother Nature didn't play ball with me

Ttc for 10yrs and bubs is our 5th private ivf attempt

So yes much older then what I would like to be but bloody overjoyed to be pregnant and to be a mummy in 7/8w

To me you are a spring chicken

JsOtherHalf Sun 29-Jan-17 11:40:22

A fair amount of parents in DS's class had the children in their mid-late 30's, myself included.

The children are 10 now, we don't consider ourselves old ...lol.

Basicbrown Sun 29-Jan-17 11:40:41

flowers really sorry to hear that. I think ime it would have, yes. My relationship with DM changed as I got older.

Bythebeach Sun 29-Jan-17 11:41:44

Ummm I think perhaps it was your mum! I was born when my my mother was nearly 36. I'm an only child of affluent professional parents. My mother was the youngest of 8 children born to a relatively impoverished family in the Far East in 1942. Our childhoods could not have been much more different but I never felt my mother was remote and I loved her stories of her childhood. I guess I wasn't a cool kid and there was some sense of cultural difference with my peers but it didn't upset or trouble me.

Remember any child you have won't be you and you aren't your mother. You are aware you found aspects of childhood difficult and will be mindful not to replicate that for your kids.

I disliked both my parents working full-time when I was little. I was one of very few kids who wasn't picked up by my mother after school and I have avoided that for my own kids as much as I can. As it turns out, they live in a different time and many of their friends have 2 full time working parents so even if I weren't part time I doubt they'd feel as I did when I was little!!!

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