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To feel under appreciated

(15 Posts)
Edward19 Sat 28-Jan-17 21:13:14

When I became a stepfather I always wanted to treat my stepchildren as I do my own. I always thought that my dsc deserved a good father since they had one that is in my opinion a deadbeat (would never say anything bad about him).

My dss is a competitive swimmer. I take him across the south east so he can compete and I don't mind doing this but I feel as though it is a one way street. For example today I drove him waited and watched and drove back and it took up most of the day. He's a grateful kid and he like all teenagers can be difficult and brilliant.

I planned yesterday for a long time for him, my wife and my children to enjoy a day out (already paid for).

Dsc dad has decided that he wants to take dss and dsd out tomorrow. Dsd has said that she is busy. Dss has decided to go with his dad. I would never say that dsc can't have a relationship with his dad but I just feel like it was wrong of dss to abandon plans arranged at Xmas for a day out with dad that was a text on a Saturday.

Dss dad has never paid a penny to raise his children (he's well off as well it's not that he doesn't have the money). He can go months without talking/visiting the dc and visiting and he only lives a 30-40 min drive away.

It's really hard to see a child you have basically been a dad for, leave for someone who only gets the good bits of his children when he wants to. He has never taken his son to a competition never gone to parents evening or help with homework. I suppose it's the lack of loyalty from dss that is hard to take. My stepdaughter was quite clear that we had plans and that she was available the week later.

GTS Sat 28-Jan-17 21:39:35

My older brother and I have had a stepfather since we were toddlers.
My db was always much more 'loyal' to our father than I was, and their relationship much more complex. You don't say how old your DSS is, but whilst I can understand 100% how it must make you feel, please please don't take it personally or see it as him being 'disloyal'.
If he doesn't already appreciate you (which I imagine he probably does, very much) then he will look back and remember all that you have done for him in the years to come. He will remember it was you that took him to competitions, that it was you who was there for him when he needed you. Step parenting can be a difficult and often seemingly thankless task, but it sounds like you are doing a bloody great job of it. I would advise that you let it slide if possible, and talk about it at a later date.

Bluntness100 Sat 28-Jan-17 21:43:57

Ah, I can see why you feel this way, but for the child, it's about you're easy access and always there and the biological dad isn't. It doesn't mean they prefer mr biological , in fact far from it, just they are taking the opportunity as it arises. Honestly, children know and appreciate the score. It's not what you're thinking.

Gardencentregroupie Sat 28-Jan-17 21:44:23

It's unlikely to be about loyalty, more likely he's a young lad whose dad has been shit to him, rarely sees him, and he's scared that if he turns him down it will be months or more before he sees him again. Whereas you are steady, constant, will be there again another day.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 28-Jan-17 21:49:52

If he doesn't realise now what a great dad you are then he certainly will in a few years time.

I can understand why you're hurt but try not to let this episode eat into your emotional energy - it simply isn't worth it.

The best thing you can do is just be your normal nice self to your dss and he may even feel a tad guilty for his actions!

Edward19 Sat 28-Jan-17 22:10:10

He's 17, I do see why he might think that about his dad not being their for months and he probably doesn't see it like an adult is.

I not sure is disloyal is the right word or not. I just think that their dads attitude really stinks as well. I think that if you haven't got the time for the shit bits then you shouldn't have the time for the good bits which is treating your children.

My stepdaughter who is younger wants nothing to do with him. She would much rather be with us then with him.

I will always be nice to him, I have let him know that I am disappointed he won't be with us tomorrow but have not made a big fuss out of it.

NavyandWhite Sat 28-Jan-17 22:13:26

Keep doing what you're doing. It'll all come good.

Ilovecaindingle Sat 28-Jan-17 22:19:09

Maybe look at it that he is confident in his relationship with you but feels like he needs to give df chance after chance to step up. I am sure he knows df has no intention of but he lives in hope.

GTS Sat 28-Jan-17 22:25:48

17 is a difficult age for boys. Not really a child, but not yet an adult. He probably idolizes his father, and that's normal. Unfair to you? Yes. But well done for not making a fuss about it, it's not always easy to bite your tongue in these instances. He will remember you were there in the shit bits, and long term this will pay dividends in your relationship with him.

christinarossetti Sat 28-Jan-17 22:29:17

Whether or not your DSC see their bio father isn't a reflection on their relationship with you.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 28-Jan-17 22:32:52

Poor boy is living off crumbs of his father's love so he's begging for it. You? You're giving him platefuls so he doesn't need to beg. Good for you. Keep doing what you're doing.

SickNotes Sat 28-Jan-17 22:46:06

Forget your stepson's father -- he's nothing to do with you, after all. Your stepson obviously needs him enough to abandon previously plans in order to take one of the rare opportunities he gets to see him. He's sure of you, not of his dad. And it's completely unhelpful of you to set it up as some kind of macho battle of loyalties with your DSS caught in the middle.

PurpleMinionMummy Sat 28-Jan-17 22:49:17

Your feelings are understandable but don't take it personally. Imo we don't often appreciate what our own parents/step parents have done for us (or haven't!) until we have kids of our own. Just keep up the good work.

Edward19 Sun 29-Jan-17 10:36:33

Maybe look at it that he is confident in his relationship with you but feels like he needs to give df chance after chance to step up. I am sure he knows df has no intention of but he lives in hope.

I completely understand this, it's just hard to be honest.

Edward19 Sun 29-Jan-17 17:48:39

dss has had a nice day with his dad which is really good.

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