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Is my sister right?

(119 Posts)
Redsrule Sat 28-Jan-17 15:31:00

Our DM died last year. During her final illness my DSis, who doesn't work/have children, was wonderful. I really appreciate what she did and have told her so. My DF is 87 and physically frail although mentally very sharp. He has been very lonely since Mum died and I have asked him if he wants to move in with me. I am a widow and currently live with DD2(23) and her boyfriend(23). I work, as do DD and bf, but they work NHS shifts and I am a teacher and so am here at weekends and school holidays. I also have a cleaner/dog walker who comes in twice a day so dad would seldom be alone for more that a couple of hours.
I have got a builder to install a wet room so dad will have a bedroom, sitting room and bathroom for himself on the ground floor although it is part of the house not an annex.
My DSis is really angry with me for offering without asking her permission. Dad wants to move in but is worried about offending her because she is so upset. I genuinely did not mean to upset her, it is impossible for Dad to live with her because her house can only be accessed by a flight of steps. Was I unreasonable not to ask her permission, she knew I was having the wet room installed for dad but says she thought it was for visits,

EIsbethTascioni Sat 28-Jan-17 15:32:44

Permission? Fuck that. Is she always that controlling?

ChallyCreaks Sat 28-Jan-17 15:33:14

No you are definitely not being unreasonable. Why would you need her permission? You have made measures so he will be comfortable living with you.

Can she articulate why this has angered her?

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 28-Jan-17 15:33:16

She is being unreasonable to be angry.

Is she maybe more angry you didn't discuss it with her before?

QuiltedAloeVera Sat 28-Jan-17 15:33:58

Her permission? Surely it is your DF's decision????

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman Sat 28-Jan-17 15:35:16

Of course you don't need her permission. Did you not mention it to her at all though? If it were me and my sister we would certainly have had discussions about something like that before either of us went ahead and started making definite plans.

HerBluebiro Sat 28-Jan-17 15:35:24

Would h e be moving out of the family home to move to yours? People can be weird about sentiment of places. Especially after you have lost your mum.

You don't need her permission as such. But is a bit weird to do it without talking to her well in advance. Seems a bit of a done deal now.

Cound she fear losing your dad? Do you live further away from her than your dad's current house?

Talk it through with her more. Find out why she is upset.

clumsyduck Sat 28-Jan-17 15:36:37

You don't need her permissions if she wanted to offer your dad this option then surely she's have asked him already. Think it sounds like a great idea for your dad

TeenAndTween Sat 28-Jan-17 15:36:51

I don't think you needed to ask permission.
But the tactful thing to do would have been to run it past her: I'm thinking maybe DF could come and live with me, what do you think?

Is she worried about inheritance?
Or being cut out of her DF's life?
Or what other people might think?
Or that she actually doesn't think its for the best?

KateDaniels2 Sat 28-Jan-17 15:37:31

Personally i think it would havr been nice to all discuss it.

She is obviously hurt but you dont need her permission.

Magzmarsh Sat 28-Jan-17 15:37:41

It's your dads decision and sounds like a good one. Is she worried about losing potential inheritance or carers allowance if you take over your dads care? She's being controlling and selfish but it might have a reason rooted in self interest or grief.

Ilovecaindingle Sat 28-Jan-17 15:38:16

Could she be worried that if you get closer to df than she is his will won't reflect equally to you and dsis?

MsMims Sat 28-Jan-17 15:40:31

I do sort of see where she's coming from actually. I can't imagine making any sort of plans like that without discussing it with the whole family rather than presenting it as a done deal.

The dynamics would be different if by wanting to visit your dad, she would have to come to your house rather than his. Are things always amicable between you and her? Would she ever feel awkward about visiting her dad if he was at your house?

Of course her permission isn't needed but you were wrong not to have a joint discussion including her IMO

Redsrule Sat 28-Jan-17 15:41:18

Well we, and my brothers, have constantly been discussing dad's well being. But she was so great with mum I think she might feel I am taking dad away. But I live about 30 min drive from hers rather than the 20 mins it takes to dads. Dad jumped at the idea, mainly it seemed because he adores my dog who will spend hours snuggling up to him. I did wonder about giving her some keys so she feels she can come and go.

DeathStare Sat 28-Jan-17 15:41:26

You made your father an offer and he accepted. You are both adults of sound mind so neither of you needed to discuss that with anyone else first.

Redsrule Sat 28-Jan-17 15:46:28

We did discuss the work I was having done and why but I think now she thought it was for a temporary stay sometimes.
We have always, since we left our teens, got on really well which is why this is so odd. I was obviously not clear enough although she keeps on saying I should have asked her permission.

PastysPrincess Sat 28-Jan-17 15:48:26

I would think the main concern should be the wellbeing of your father. Your sister may have some feelings to deal with from the death of your mother; this news may have touched a nerve. You are perfectly entitled to make this offer without consulting her.

ToastOfLondon Sat 28-Jan-17 15:48:27

I think it's unreasonable of her to be angry but it was very odd of you to not mention it to her. confused

ArcheryAnnie Sat 28-Jan-17 15:50:01

Redsrule I think your idea of making a set of keys to give to your sister is an excellent one, and may help a lot.

Good luck.

Trifleorbust Sat 28-Jan-17 15:51:25

He is a man who grew up a long time ago, raising her in the process. It is his decision. confused

pinkunicornsarefluffy Sat 28-Jan-17 15:51:39

She could be worried about the will/any inheritance, she could feel that you are trying to take him away from her.

I would give her a set of keys and tell her that she is welcome any time she likes (as long as your DD and her partner are ok with that if they work shifts as they may be sleeping?)

Redsrule Sat 28-Jan-17 15:52:03

No, that is the point she knew all about it, even chose the tiles with me. But now she says she thought it was just for the odd weekend etc because I should have asked her permission if it was to be permanent.

TrickyD Sat 28-Jan-17 15:56:55

Not very helpful, but I must say it is a nice change to have siblings both wanting to look after a DM or a DF, rather than having loads of reasons why the other one should have to do it. flowers

AnnieAnoniMouse Sat 28-Jan-17 15:57:58

I can understand why she was upset to have been presented with a 'done deal'. You don't know what she was thinking - maybe moving to a more suitable house, maybe moving in with your Dad. It was really thoughtless of you not to discuss it with her. It's fine people saying 'you offered, he accepted' but he wasn't given all the options, only yours. I can understand why she is hurt & upset. 'Permission' is the wrong word, but her sentiment is understandable, you waded in without any consideration for her thoughts or feelings.

I have no doubt you were doing what you thought was best for your Dad and that he will be very happy with you. However, your sister (& brothers) should have had the opportunity to offer what she/they would like to do for him & he should have been able to make an informed decision.

Sorry, but you did ask 💐

SenecaFalls Sat 28-Jan-17 16:00:01

I can understand why she might think she should be consulted beforehand, but permission? That's an odd concept when we are talking about a competent adult here. What would have been the outcome if she had withheld permission? What does she want to happen regarding your dad's care?

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