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To want him to be excited? Interested? Give a damn?

(136 Posts)
SanitysSake Sat 28-Jan-17 13:56:32

I won't lie, my relationship has been pretty bad since finding out I was expecting. The partner took the best part of 4.5 months to finally accept and come round to the fact that this was happening, after originally doing everything to suggest we should terminate. The stress and hurt endured in these first few months was horrendous, but things have evened out a bit.

As my belly is really pronouncing itself now (25 +5) and the baby is incredibly active, I am often found to be squealing with shock/horror/fear and delight at all the new things I'm experiencing. We have been told our baby is going to be tall and was practically impossible to pin down during the scan because of the level of activity.

The only thing that is getting me down, is that my partner will make a single reference to the baby that's coming perhaps just once a day. There will be few to no attempts to touch my belly and when I invite him to either look at my belly or touch it because the baby is particularly active; he's just not bothered and says things like 'Yes, I've felt it before, you know!' - Like it's got old already... Or 'It feels different for you inside than it does for me on the outside.' This is making me feel very very sad.

I know money is a bit of an issue at the moment and he's working very long hours. But he ends up having to do these hours because he's not very good at getting up and at it and planning his days effectively. Not that I could ever tell him this, as Ive been unemployed for some time and now I'm pregnant, can't get a job - because who is going to employ someone who is 6 months pregnant?

The heartbreaking thing for me, is that I want to be excited. After the first horrendous months, I want to embrace what's happening and start to plan and perhaps get a few small bits in preparation. I haven't got a single thing (not that I know what I need). Not even a singular baby-gro or teddy. He has said 'it's too early'.. Like some dealer of doom. That perhaps the baby won't come/survive. That in some ways he's still in denial and the only time he'll be 'fit' for it, is when the baby appears. I know he's very single-minded in the fact that he can only focus on one thing at a time, else he becomes overwhelmed; so his work and how tired he feels is the most important and only thing.

It broke my heart yesterday when I saw you could get 4D scans in a very local clinic and said 'Ooh, look, do you think we should get one of these done to see baby's face?' and he shrugged impassively and said 'What for?'

I have two ruptured discs in my back, De Quervains in both wrists and suspected SPD. I'm trying my best to be upbeat through all this and still have space in my heart and head for a little joy at what is coming.. But with his consistent dismissiveness (for example, when my face fell nearly in tears after he said 'I've felt it before!' he replied with 'Oh come on now, don't go there'.. rubbishing my feelings) - I feel very lonely and alone in all this. There are days when I think I'd be better off doing this on my own. But I don't want to. I do love him. He's making me very sad and robbing me of the joy I want to feel.

Has anyone experienced the same?... Can someone tell me that it might get better when the baby comes along? How do I get him to invest and be interested in the meantime? Perhaps see how it matters that he takes an interest and that once in a weekend, rather than sleeping or slobbing because he's tired or hungover, he might himself suggest we go and buy our first baby bits together - something? Anything?

Any experience and advice gratefully received x

Stuffedshirt Sat 28-Jan-17 13:58:44

Just to say I'm sorry that your DP isn't really interested. I have no advice to give, sorry. flowers

user1477282676 Sat 28-Jan-17 14:01:05

It sounds like he's still not happy about having a baby OP. Which is hard and sad for you but he did tell you he wasn't ready. He should have been sure that he did all he could to not impregnate you if this was how he was going to feel.

I would leave it. Go and get your baby shopping yourself, if he remains like this once the baby arrives, then perhaps you should be single? It would be awful to have a Father who didn't care. sad

LindyHemming Sat 28-Jan-17 14:02:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick Sat 28-Jan-17 14:07:06

He should have worn condoms even if you were 'insert method of contraception here'.

The baby wasn't planned obviously, he resisted and tried to change your mind. He's resigned to it that's all. Things may change when babies here but it sounds as if in the long run you should prepare to go it alone and claim maintenance.
Good luck though.

NavyandWhite Sat 28-Jan-17 14:08:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanitysSake Sat 28-Jan-17 14:14:36

Maybe every second day, he'll come across as excited and say 'and the little Bean'.. or 'what does tapey (tape worm) desire to eat today?'... and I think that's the best he can give as far as investment goes. Sadly, it's not enough for me.

Yes, the pregnancy was an utter shock. I hadn't ovulated in years and had always been told it wouldn't happen for me, so...

Thing is, to everyone else (the limited few that know), he says he's 'happy'. I just wished that transferred into something more tangible in the home place.

I did ask him yesterday, 'When I told you I was pregnant, did you want me to leave?' to which he replied 'Never - you're my special one'... and he kissed my hand.

Still, why doesn't that feel like the truth... Maybe I'm expecting too much?

Soubriquet Sat 28-Jan-17 14:17:03

Some men are in denial until that baby is born

So maybe he will step up when it's born?

unflinchingasaphotograph Sat 28-Jan-17 14:18:22

I hope I don't sound harsh but two things jumped out at me.

Firstly, the squealing - I'm sorry, but that would really irritate me.

Secondly, the 4d scans will cost, and he is from what you have said, the only earner.

I don't think this excuses him behaving like an arse but by the same token I think squealing and giggling and spending money you (don't have?) isn't necessarily the most sensible way of preparing to be parents, either.

ConvincingLiar Sat 28-Jan-17 14:18:54

He might improve, he might not. Pregnancy is pretty boring for everyone else, but I'd expect your partner/mum/best friend to show interest. I'm a couple of weeks ahead of you but in my second pregnancy. I think DH has felt the baby kick maybe twice and he's not in awe of the magic of pregnancy. But he will ask which vegetable we're on when he remembers, and will so practical things in readiness for the new arrival.

What are his family/friends like? Are they at all interested?

Birdsgottafly Sat 28-Jan-17 14:20:01

How long were you together for, before the pregnancy?

Is he usually like this over things, an upcoming holiday etc?

ConvincingLiar Sat 28-Jan-17 14:20:35

I agree that spending money on a creepy 4D scan when you have no money would be stupid. 6 months pregnant prevents you getting a permanent job, but can you temp?

JaniceBattersby Sat 28-Jan-17 14:21:15

I have 4 kids, all very much wanted. My husband has never been interested in touching my stomach or talking to the baby. I haven't really done that stuff either really, truth be told. He's an amazing father and our children are very loved. I wouldn't worry too much OP.

dingdongdigeridoo Sat 28-Jan-17 14:22:56

How long have you been together? Were you using any form of birth control. Even if you hadn't ovulated in a long time he should have worn a condom if he felt that strongly about having a baby.

Sadly you can't make him suddenly excited. Do you have friends and family who are happy for you? Perhaps one of them will go to scans with you.

SanitysSake Sat 28-Jan-17 14:26:32

Unflinching - a little harsh, but I can handle it. I don't 'squeal' all the time. Nor do I giggle. More of an 'Ooh, crikey!' in shock.

As for the cost of a 4D scan - not as bad as going to Majestic's and buying a case or two of his favourite white burgundy...

Money is tight, but we're not on the breadline. As it's a once in a lifetime experience, I thought maybe this would be something we could both be part of.

As for our family/friends - both are very distant geographically and emotionally and so the interest levels are that of a passing 'everything going okay with the baby?' and that's about the size of it.. Unless of course we're getting a lecture on how hard it's going to be from a particular family member. Which is of course as helpful as a clout round the head.

I'm hoping he becomes more interested when the baby is born. Just wished as it's his first and probably only child, he'd want to follow through and that his actions sometimes replicated his words.

IrenetheQuaint Sat 28-Jan-17 14:29:16

Tbh I can see it's really hard for him if he had no desire to have children and believed you were infertile so there was no risk of pregnancy.

Hopefully he will get more involved when the baby's born. Do you have a Plan B if he doesn't?

unflinchingasaphotograph Sat 28-Jan-17 14:30:25

Sanity, but the point is, someone constantly sharing how they are feeling can get a bit wearing flowers

You didn't mention he is a drinker. However, I do know some people really aren't fussed about 4d scans. My friend wasn't: she was delighted to be pregnant and now adores her baby but she never expressed an interest in this (I offered one as a Christmas present and her reaction was a bit like your DPs.)

He may step up, he may not. But I do think the two of you need to talk about the future.

AyeAmarok Sat 28-Jan-17 14:32:39

You sound like you're maybe expecting a bit much from him. He's not excited, maybe because he doesn't really want a baby (should have used a condom then) or because it's not "real" to him yet, or because he's anxious and doesn't want to get too attached-like a defence mechanism.

Squealing is a bit unnecessary your part though. As is buying unnecessary things like 4D scans when you're skint a D unemployed.

I think the two of you need to meet in the middle.

Iamastonished Sat 28-Jan-17 14:33:24

"I have 4 kids, all very much wanted. My husband has never been interested in touching my stomach or talking to the baby"

Same with OH. We have one DD who is very much a miracle, but OH took the view that being pregnant is very much a woman's thing. He is a good father and was very hands on when DD was a baby.

He came to ante natal classes with me, but I could tell that he felt uncomfortable (everyone had a partner there BTW). Oh, and I wasn't buying anything at 25 weeks either.

"I am often found to be squealing with shock/horror/fear and delight at all the new things I'm experiencing."

That would drive me bonkers I'm afraid.

OH never enthuses about anything even if it is something he particularly enjoys. It is just the way he is. Perhaps your partner is the same. You can't change him, but you can change the way you deal with it. I hope it all works out, and congratulations.

Hugepeppapigfan Sat 28-Jan-17 14:33:37

Our baby was massively planned but my DH wasn't at all interested in the preparation and pregnancy. I painted the nursery with a friend, went pram shopping with my mum, went to a few scans alone...... He openly talks about not being bothered until the baby was actually here. He is the most amazing dad I could have wished for my DC. Their relationship is wonderful and he has been an incredible support to me since the birth. I hope it turns out the same way for you.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 28-Jan-17 14:35:05

You don't yet what he's going to be like. You have to give a good crack of the whip. This is his first time. Men get nervous at the prospect of a new baby just like women do.
Some men are even jealous. Think of it. You've undoubtedly got people clucking around you. Telling you to put your feet up. Men don't get any of that.
Also a lot of women aren't pleased that they're pregnant or feel no connection to the baby whilst pregnant, but. The second the baby is put in their arms they fall in love with them.

CiBi Sat 28-Jan-17 14:39:23

I don't have any advice for you as such, but I think the squealing and giggling should honestly not be a problem. It might well annoy previous posters, but they're not your DH who - presumably - loves you for who you are. flowers

SickNotes Sat 28-Jan-17 14:42:03

Maybe he's scared? Our son was planned, but as I was 39 when we decided to stop using contraception, we were thinking it might take years or never happen at all. I conceived the very first month, and we were both in shock. If you were told you didn't ovulate, and a baby had never entered your heads, he may be freaking out about a responsibility he never thought he would have to assume?

AcrossthePond55 Sat 28-Jan-17 14:43:19

Sounds very much like my BFF's ex. She also had been told that she would never be able to have children, only to get pregnant on their honeymoon!

Her ex acted 'pleased' in public only to tell his very close mates in private that he was actually devastated. He had two 'practically grown' children and didn't want more. The fact that BFF couldn't have children had been, in his mind, a huge 'plus' in their relationship as he had felt he'd never have to face the question again.

He was pretty uninvolved with the pregnancy when they were alone, no bump touching, no 'dreams' of what the baby would be like, etc. BFF felt as you did, but put it down to 'just the way he is'.

I'm sorry to say, that there was NO change when their son was born. She was 100% on her own for everything baby related. Obviously the marriage didn't survive and he didn't see his son for the next 20 years.

TheDisreputableDog Sat 28-Jan-17 14:44:22

My DH was incredibly worried about my pregnancy, both in terms of my health and that of the baby (entirely unfounded, low risk pregnancy) due to some family experiences. As such he struggled to be 'very excited' in the way in which you're describing. He's a lovely dad though.
I also do think it must be an entirely different experience for the DP, feeling your baby moving inside you is a hugely bonding experience and I often felt like it was a 'we' instead of 'me'. That will be different for your DH.

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