Brothers wedding - DC not invited to day(75 Posts)
Before I start, I don't have a pre-set outcome, I just want some advice.
DB is 11 years younger, getting married in 8 weeks. Received the invite recently and when it was marked 'Itsallabit' and DH, I honestly didn't think about it and just assumed the kids would be coming (my mistake but he's my brother, we weren't specific when we invited my siblings, I just thought it was a given my DN would come with them).
Then 2 nights ago, DS2 who lives at home tells me he's been invited to a FB group inviting him to the evening do.
The DC have in the past been a real handful, and I do mean handful with trips to court, lots of official intervention and a ton of domestic abuse aimed at us. At the beginning of last year, DS1 moved out when it got too bad for him to stay and has refused to work, there's been a few low level justice issues and it's very hard to know what is the truth at any given time. DS2 turned around in Jan '16 and has become as perfect a teenager as its possible to be - interacting with family, lovely to be around, given up drugs etc.
DB says he doesn't want DS1 there as he's 'the wrong side of the tracks' and as someone who works in the legal sector he doesn't want his work colleagues making the connection and didn't invite DS2 to not make DS1 feel uncomfortable.
I'm hurt that a) he didn't have the decency to talk to me in advance - finding out via FB (no comment on sending invites by FB in the first place)
b) I feel that he's not offending DS1 who everyone has a very difficult relationship including myself and DH but choosing to offend myself and DS2
c) the message DS2 gets is that no matter what he does and he has turned his life round, that he is forever associated with bad behaviour
We've just had a fairly intense row, he brought it up in front of DS2 and despite multiple requests not to talk about it now but wait till later just ploughed on so I ended up losing my temper and poor DS2 was stuck feeling mighty uncomfortable.
Aibu and advice on where to go now much appreciated
Ds 2 has been invited but to thensure evening. What's wrong with that.
Tbh I agree with db if he's in a legal profession having your ds1 there may compromise things and it doesn't sound like they have a relationship anyway.
Honestly - he has my sympathy. Yes of course your kids shouldn't be excluded from wider family life for ever but it's his wedding ffs!
My own db is a long-term drug addict. When I got married he was similar in age and outlook to your ds1. I was dreading him coming to my wedding - luckily he was travelling in Europe
getting shitfaced in Amsterdam when it happened so didn't attend because I wouldn't have been able to relax at all.
Explain to your ds2 that building bridges takes time and effort. Let him go to the evening do and show the family what a decent guy he's grown into.
It might have felt like more of a snub if he had only invited DS2. We see threads all the time on here about that too.
He has the right to invite whoever he likes to his wedding, and due to previous trouble with DS2 I can see why he wouldn't want either of them. You of course have the right to decide not to go.
I get that DS2 has turned his life round but he WILL be associated with bad behaviour by a lot of people until he can prove otherwise. If one invitation is going to offend him I think he needs a reality check.
And he's been invited to the evening do! How old is he? Does any lad really care about seeing a wedding ceremony?
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me - totally understand why he wouldn't want DS1 there, and DS2 has been invited to part, and needs to understand that actions have consequences and so he needs to earn back respect and trust.
Just to clarify, I get the DS1 issue. DS2 has a good solid relationship with DB. It's the fact that DS2 is being tarred with the same brush as DS1 when it's not the case.
And what Livia says about him wanting to sit through the ceremony and the photos!
He's going to have to suck it up - like a pp says, actions have consequences. The hard bit isn't turning your life around - that's just a case of no longer doing what you were doing. The hard bit is earning trust back, that can take years if at all.
Your ds2 "turned around" his behaviour a year ago, which according to your OP includes stopping taking drugs and no more abuse to you/dh and no more criminal behaviour generally. That's great but:
- it suggests that he was really quite a lot off the rails previously
- it has only been 12 months
Have I got that right? If So, my original answer stands.
I can't imagine not inviting my nephews to our wedding without an extremely good reason. There is a good reason with DS1. I am less sure there's a good reason with DS2, but it is his wedding so up to him. Is DS2 actually bothered?
If DS2 has only in the last 12 months quit drugs, abusing others etc. then I'm actually surprised he was invited at all. I wouldn't have included either of them. YABU.
DS is just turned16 and yes he is upset that he's been immaculate for a year but being grouped with his brother. DB says he wants him there but he doesn't want to offend DS1. DS1 doesn't care who he offends so why take it out on DS2 is my chain of thought
He can invite who he likes, twelve months good behaviour doesn't negate all the rest.
He likely feels an obligation to invite you as his sister hence the invite for adults only.
But your DB has invited him to the evening - that's the start of showing he trusts him!
A year is not very long - it's okay for DS2 to have stopped but I can understand your DB not wanting your ex drug using son at his wedding when there are people in front of whom he could be very embarrassed. I think its kind of him to invite him to the evening do. I wouldn't.
Why don't the three of you go to the evening do.
You don't get to behave badly then have everyone forget about it
I can see both your side and your DB's side. He should have handled it better regarding talking to you, but ultimately it's his wedding day and he's not BU by not inviting (previously) wayward teens for the whole day.
DS2 will only get the message that no matter what, he can't shift the old him if that's what you reinforce. You can tell him that sometimes people try to treat siblings equitably, even though that has a bigger effect on one than the other. You can tell him that when people have been very badly hurt they often need to see more than 12 months good behaviour to feel confident that they won't be hurt again, particularly on an important - and emotional - day like a wedding.
At the end of the day it's your brothers wedding day. It is up to him and his wife-to-be who they invite. Their special day.
I understand and appreciate that you are upset, however, it's his day.
How bad was DS2's past? Did your DB witness some of the worst behaviour and the effect it had on you and your DH? If DS2 just smoked a bit of weed and was a lippy, shouty teen YANBU but if his actions involved court proceedings and a conviction you are lucky he is invited at all!
YABU. Weddings are stupidly expensive and difficult to organise/keep everyone happy. Your DB is doing his best.
Try to remember - this one day isn't about you or your children, or anyone else in the family. It's about your brother and his wife to be, and if they choose to invite you then either accept with good grace or politely decline.
This is a valuable learning lesson for your young adult children..don't get involved fighting their corner...this is good for them to understand consequences of their actions
We had a complete child free wedding apart from our own day and evening. This was purely down to the way my sisters offspring behave, and the way she deals ( or not) with said awful behaviour.
There was lots of family / friends kids I'd have loved there, but that would have been a row to deal with about why they were excluded.
I now wish , 9 years later, that I had gone with the other nice kids I know and just been honest. As their behaviour caused a massive issue for years at any family gatherings.
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