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AIBU to feel that my DS is being excluded?

(75 Posts)
Discotastic Fri 27-Jan-17 20:19:44 in laws live in Spain and once a year offer to pay for my DS, DSS and DSD flights to visit them (grown ups pay for themselves). Recently my BIL and SIL also moved to Spain with their son. They live coasts apart so are not close to each other.
They have decided that they are going to visit the inlaws in the summer and would like some company for their son so want my DSCs to come out to them utilising the flights paid for by grannie and grandad. At no point have they mentioned my DS (who is only 4). I'm slightly peeved about this as my son won't get his "holiday" with his brother and sister and that his grandparents have agreed to pay for the flights in this scenario; when they are usually of the opinion that no grandchild gets treated differently. DH is unsure what to do as the annual trip is the most time he gets to spend with his other two all year as we only have them at weekends bank hols etc.
Feels like we've put in a rubbish position whatever the outcome.

Hercules12 Fri 27-Jan-17 20:22:48

How old are your stepchildren?

Discotastic Fri 27-Jan-17 20:25:33

They will be 9 and 12.

Discotastic Fri 27-Jan-17 20:29:02

I do get that my DS Is a bit younger, but he hasn't been mentioned at all which I think is the bigger issue.

rollonthesummer Fri 27-Jan-17 20:30:32

Can't you, your DH and your son go too?

Discotastic Fri 27-Jan-17 20:34:43

We said we could go at the same time but they weren't keen when we suggested it. They only want the two big kids.

mydietstartsmonday Fri 27-Jan-17 20:36:20

I do not see what the problem is. Your son is 4 and too young to go out on his own. Are you both going as usual? If so I am sure your PIL will pay for you son. B think you are ms king a drama out if something that needn't be.

mydietstartsmonday Fri 27-Jan-17 20:38:12

Sorry ctoss post and bad English. Well no you go as a family or none of you go.

ILikeBigBooksAndICannotLie Fri 27-Jan-17 20:40:10

I would see that as a clear-cut "no". Just say that you would like a family holiday there as well so don't want your DSCs to use their generous free flights on going with them as you will be using them for a family holiday that you otherwise couldn't afford. Besides which, you wouldn't want your youngest to feel left out and there's no way you would be able to wave off a 4,9 and 12 year old unchaperoned on a flight to Spain.

EweAreHere Fri 27-Jan-17 20:42:55

I agree. You say no. This is your family holiday, and it's the only chance you get to have one with all of you during the summer.

If BIL and SIL want to see the DSCs, they need to come to you and not exclude your youngest child while they're there. This needs to be specified up front.

flappynewyear Fri 27-Jan-17 20:43:28

I can see why they want the dsc there, they are older and company for their dc, your ds is far too young to go alone. They may not want you all there (as in they don't want you and your dh and therefore your ds) as they don't want to entertain adults. I would have 20 children as guests rather than 2 adults.

llangennith Fri 27-Jan-17 20:43:35

Agree that it's not viable.

Chelazla Fri 27-Jan-17 20:45:11

I think it's really mean as well as anything else. I'd be very annoyed.

flappynewyear Fri 27-Jan-17 20:45:16

Sorry just to add I would ask the dsc where they would prefer to go rather than say an outright no. They may prefer to go to their cousins rather than grandparents with you.

DeathStare Fri 27-Jan-17 20:46:36

So your BIL and SIL want your step children to go to stay with them, instead of going on the usual family holiday with you, your DH and your DS staying with MIL and FIL?

This is a no-brainier. Just say no - that you want to holiday all together.

superking Fri 27-Jan-17 20:47:49

I don't think they are really "excluding" your DS, just that they think it would be fun for the older children to be together and haven't really factored your DS in because he's so much younger.

Having said that, I think it is perfectly understandable that your DH doesn't want to lose out on time with his DCs, and this would be a valid reason to decline.

Could the DSC go out for a long weekend so that they get some time with their cousins/ grandparents but DH doesn't miss out on his time with them?

harderandharder2breathe Fri 27-Jan-17 20:52:03

They are not unreasonable to only want older kids to stay who are company for their own.

But yanbu to say no, we as a family all want to holiday together

ALittleMop Fri 27-Jan-17 20:52:17

As a pp has said it's likely not about excluding your DS, more that its not practical to send him without you & DH, and the hosts don't perhaps want the whole lot of you. So I would not get huffy unnecessarily.

It's maybe a nice opportunity for the DSC to see their cousin BUT I would say a family holiday with DH and your D/their stepbrother needs to be priority.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain Fri 27-Jan-17 20:54:02

Have to say no way would I be sending a 9 and a 12 year old on a flight to Spain and back on their own on the usual budget routes. It's not like the 1970s where you would get a fuss made of you by a nice stewardess and looked after from gate to gate... They may seem much older than your DS, but they are still very young. Out of interest does their mum have an opinion?

Jinglebells99 Fri 27-Jan-17 20:55:47

How old is the bil's child? Is he a similar age to the step children cousins?

Discotastic Fri 27-Jan-17 20:57:48

It's not really them hosting as it will be at the grandparents second apartment which we have the same open invite to as does his brother . I understand the age difference factor but think it is only polite that they at least say that while asking to take the DCS also.

Discotastic Fri 27-Jan-17 20:59:53

Slightly their mother also happens to be SIL best friend......and the kids would not be travelling on their own it's not even a consideration.

Lovewineandchocs Fri 27-Jan-17 21:01:32

Sorry, do you mean that your BIL and SIL are going to visit your PIL in their part of Spain and want your DSCs to fly out from the UK as company for their DS? But they are saying they aren't keen on you, your DH and DS coming, so you would have to forego your annual family holiday there and your DH forego time with his older 2? Sorry, I think that's really selfish and cheeky of your BIL and SIL. And surely it's up to your PIL whether you, DH and DS go too? Agree with pp-all go or none go.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 27-Jan-17 21:04:00

Doesn't matter what THEY want - either you all go or none of you do. If they don't want you and the little one then they don't get the bigger ones either.
I'm pleased that your DH's parents usually refuse to be divisive - but no one should be facilitating the BIL/SIL being divisive either and they are in the wrong if they're doing so this time. sad

Discotastic Fri 27-Jan-17 21:04:58

That's correct.

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