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AIBU?

To want a week to bond?

67 replies

NewMum17 · 27/01/2017 19:46

My DH has a HUGE Asian family who all want to see our baby straight away as it's a sign of respect/blessing. I do understand this but would like to have at least the 1st week (but preferably 2) without any relatives coming to see us. I am a FTM and just want to get my head around things as well as bond with my baby.

When did you start having visitors?
Is it ok to 'pass the baby' around as a newborn?

OP posts:

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ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/01/2017 19:48

I think YABU. They won't be staying over, will they? I wouldn't want anyone staying with me but I had relatives visit me from the day he was born.

I wouldn't want to wait 2 weeks to see a new baby in the family. It's fine to pass the baby around for cuddles with family. As long as they understand boundaries and give the baby back to you when crying and needing feeds/changing then I don't see the problem.

Limit the amount of time they are there and ask them to come in smaller groups so it's easier to manage. Let them help you round the house too.

PurpleDaisies · 27/01/2017 19:48

It's quite unusual to have no visitors at all in the first week. Could you just limit it to very close family (maybe grandparents, uncles and aunts) and only have them for a set short time?

Obviously you're totally free to do whatever you and your dh decide is best for you.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 27/01/2017 19:50

Why couldn't you pass a baby round as a new born? Of course it's fine! I had both family's visit me 2 days after a c-sec with my PFB

ArmySal · 27/01/2017 19:52

A week is a little long, really.

EssentialHummus · 27/01/2017 19:52

Up to you, but I'd have everyone round on one day for 2-3 hours and then DH needs to hold the door open and hand out coats until they bugger off.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/01/2017 19:52

Having family round won't hinder bonding at all. The vast majority of the time he will be spending with you and DH. They won't be doing the night feeds, will they?

Maybe when relatives are visiting during the day you could catch up on sleep etc? You will be absolutely knackered when baby arrives, and you might find that you want people to come round as it gives you a helping hand.

EmzDisco · 27/01/2017 19:55

I didn't have any visitors in the first week and was so glad! Could establish breastfeeding, not worry about the random hormonal crying, and sleep whenever I liked (well, when the baby let me!) it was so much better for us and our families to visit once things had settled down and we knew what we were doing. A 7 or 14 day old baby is just as amazing! Very happy memories of those visits, not sure they would have been quite so with earlier visits.

sillygoof · 27/01/2017 19:56

I can understand your apprehension, you've got a massive life change coming up and you've got no idea how it's going to make you feel. I was worried about feeling inundated, but when the baby was actually here I was desperate to show it off! When my brother tried to delay his visit until she was nearly 2 weeks old I was incredibly upset. So keep an open mind about how you will feel, try not to assume you'll feel a particular way.

If you did ban them, you must realise they will be really upset. Could you ask them just to visit for a short time? Or visit them, so you can leave when you want to?

Ilovecaindingle · 27/01/2017 19:57

Make sure dh understands he is on hosting duty when they arrive tho.
Try and see it as a chance to show off your baby not as an endurance test.
If you are feeling overwhelmed you can take yourselves off to you bedroom to bf and catch your breath. Families can be a nightmare but it sounds like their wish to visit is with the best of intentions. And it will go a long way long term for in- law relations!!

Sirzy · 27/01/2017 19:59

Are you applying the same rules to your family?

Can you not say Grandparents only for the first week and then take it from there?

Heirhelp · 27/01/2017 20:00

My health visitor recommended that new borns are not passed round. It is very stressful for them. Remember when stressed a new born will go quiet.

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 27/01/2017 20:01

Yanbu, but I wouldn't set anything in stone.

I was very reclusive for a few weeks with my babies. I didn't tell anyone I had the baby, besides the person babysitting my others in later pregnancies, for a few days. I also know that some people plan to be like I was but then change their mind the minute baby arrives.

The only downside, if you see it as a downside, is that if you keep people away at the start you can't complain if they aren't that interested when you say it's Ok to visit.

Stuffedshirt · 27/01/2017 20:01

I think you should tell everyone to get lost until you say so. You have no idea how you'll be feeling after the birth.

LouBlue1507 · 27/01/2017 20:02

I had my DD 6 months ago and like you, I didn't want any visitors immediately! I was certain!

In the end I had no visitors in the hospital but allowed visits the day we came home. No one was allowed to stay longer than half an hour and only two lots of visitors a day.

I would limit the amount of people in one visit too, I had 5 of DPs family members here at once, passing baby, giving advice, I got overwhelmed and broke down in the bedroom. No more that 2 or 3 I'd say.

purplefizz26 · 27/01/2017 20:02

First night and following day is reasonable to expect to be undisturbed, but I think a week is a bit mean to not allow any close family to visit.

LouBlue1507 · 27/01/2017 20:04

Forgot to say, I had very straight forward, quick birth. It does all depend on how your birth goes and how you're recovering and feeling. Do what YOU want.

Don't think about it now because you're likely to change your mind once baby is here

Trifleorbust · 27/01/2017 20:06

We had my DH's parents round the day after our baby was born. I am a FTM but they are first time grandparents and they haven't had a baby in the family for many years. I could understand their excitement, as I think I would feel exactly the same. My own parents live further away so came a couple of weeks in.

You are not unreasonable. However I can see their POV too.

fabulous01 · 27/01/2017 20:08

We don't have family near but people came as soon as babies arrived. Then once bloke went back to work I wanted bonding time. I stuck to my guns and banned in laws and it led to a falling out. They didn't understand it but they had stayed for a week and not lifted a finger to help. Hence they were banned. Just be prepared people may not understand.

Boiing · 27/01/2017 20:09

You just had a baby, you deserve to do what you want! It doesn't matter what everyone else does, or what a bunch of strangers on the internet say.

Fwiw I had no-one the first week, then had close family come in couples, for 2 hr visits and they washed their hands before they got to hold the baby. I wouldn't have passed him round more than a couple of people, no. He would have hated that and I tend to put his feelings first, before my inlaws. It's tough enough being a baby, and it's never too early to start teaching him not to do something unpleasant just because everyone else does.

Splodgeinc · 27/01/2017 20:09

Married into and asian family here and they all wanted to come round and see baby and I was worried they would camp out in my living room, however to tell them to piss off would have caused lasting damage to our relationship. my advice is to have the multiple visitors come to the hospital, there they will be limited to 2-3 being allowed in at a time and two hours only before the midwifes throw them out. This means you don't have to be the bad guy and ask them to leave nor are you expected to make them tea etc, they will feel honoured as they have seen the baby on day one, and can get all their "new baby" picture and hugs out of the way and then when you go home it can be just the three of you x

NewMum17 · 27/01/2017 20:10

I don't have any family here except immediate family.

I think it will be fine when the time comes but I'm stressed because there is no set time. People apparently drop by whenever they want to. I'm probably overthinking it but when we asked to limit it to weekends it wasn't taken very well.

I wasn't sure if passing newborn round would cause distress or how precious their immune systems are.

I also have MIL planning to stay overnight for the first month so that's probably in the back of my mind too.

I didn't realise a week was too long so thanks for your comments. I understand your perspectives. Thank you.

OP posts:

NewMum17 · 27/01/2017 20:13

That's a different way to look at it splodgeinc! Did you do this then? And it worked out well?

OP posts:

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flumpsnlumpsnstuff · 27/01/2017 20:15

I did it straight away, they came, they saw, they cuddled and they went awayafter that I had a lovely two weeks with both of mine without interested family they just want to see the new shiny baby once then they get bored

notanothernamechangebabes · 27/01/2017 20:20

I only had my mum for the first week (stayed with us to help), and no visitors for two! I also stayed in bed at home with the baby for 5 days. It was bloody lovely, nobody thought it was weird, nobody got upset and in fact lots of my friends said it was something they wished they'd done.

that said, I guess if it's your husbands cultural tradition, possibly you'll have to compromise and accept this - but maybe ask for some space and time from other friends and family ?

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 27/01/2017 20:24

I also have MIL planning to stay overnight for the first month so that's probably in the back of my mind too.

MIL doesn't get to plan to stay at yours unless you invite her. I wouldn't want anyone staying for a month (including my own mum).

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