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To have once child ?

(36 Posts)
notgivingin789 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:38:18

Hey all,

I'm 22 years old and have a 7 year old DS ( I know I had him young- don't judge).

I get many people coming up to me asking when I'm going to have another child ? I tell them my age and the reply that "I am old enough to have another child" or they would say " I'm selfish for having just the one child and DS would want a sibling".

The issue is not that I don't want another child, it's just that I didn't want another child with a dad (DS dad) who doesn't even look after the child he already has (financially, emotionally). So why would I make my life more difficult by having another child by someone who can't be arsed about their current child.

Also, I found it really difficult juggling my studies and having a young child to take of (including a child who has extra needs) and who had a father who basically was useless ! I'm hoping to start on a Masters course this year and if by chance I meet a great person and I decide to have an extended family with them. Then great ! If not DS and I would do just fine.

Though I do find myself self doubting.. I am worried about the age gap between DS (7) and my (if) existing next child. I start to think...maybe I should just crack on with it like everyone tells me to do.

Has anyone else been through this? AIBU ?

notgivingin789 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:39:29

Ohmygoodness ! "*one*" not "once".
I'm so ashamed blush.

peeinthepotty Fri 27-Jan-17 12:43:59


Have one if you want to have one or don't have one if it's not the right choice for you.

Ages gaps don't matter too much

I wouldn't judge you for having a child at 15 btw. It's young but it doesn't make you any less of a mother.

ChasedByBees Fri 27-Jan-17 12:45:49

One child is fine. The advantage of your age is that if you do change your mind and have a stable supportive relationship, you have time to have more children. Your DS will be fine with no siblings.

PS absolutely no judgement here, just huge admiration that you're hoping to start a masters and have achieved so much with so much else going on in your life.

notgivingin789 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:49:50

Thanks chase I would prefer to be in a stable relationship to have another child with that person. Of course relationships don't always last and may find myself a single mother again. But I just can't have another child with someone who is not a good dad to their current DC's that we already have.

PollyPerky Fri 27-Jan-17 12:53:01

so you are a single parent - and people keep asking you when you are going to have another child?

How the world has changed.
Ignore them. You have 20 years left to have another child.

There was 20 years between my grandad and his youngest brother- that was in the olden days when people had large families.

Purplebluebird Fri 27-Jan-17 12:53:29

Of course you don't need to have another child! I have one, and I am so happy to have "just" one! It's fab smile

Besides, you're so young, you have many years left to have more if you so wish, with the right person. Don't worry about age gap - my older sister and my younger have almost 17 years between them, and I'm in the middle!

notgivingin789 Fri 27-Jan-17 12:55:29

Yep polly even a parent who I knew of who knows DS dad is useless was practically encouraging me to have another child with him as it would "be better if my kids all come from the same dad". hmm

TheElephantofSurprise Fri 27-Jan-17 12:56:02

I've only got one and that's fine. She's only got one, too.
Sounds like you are doing a great job.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 27-Jan-17 12:56:18

I had a big lecture from someone the other day about how 3 siblings is best because that means if 1 sibling falls out with another 1, there is still the other sibling to play with. hmm

I only have 1 at the moment and I am undecided about having another. It's not my agenda at the moment, at all. I'll decide when I'm ready.

The ONLY consideration should be whether you want to have another child or not. If you don't want any more, it's not a problem or an issue at all. Only children cope just fine - it's not like they won't have any friends to play with.

notfromstepford Fri 27-Jan-17 12:57:20

One is fine - but don't worry about age gaps.
There is a 24 year gap between my step daughter and my youngest DS - they all adore each other and she is godmother to her two brothers.
And I'll second what chase said smile

VeryBitchyRestingFace Fri 27-Jan-17 12:58:33

Yep polly even a parent who I knew of who knows DS dad is useless was practically encouraging me to have another child with him as it would "be better if my kids all come from the same dad". hmm

Better for who?

Not for the kid, not for you, and probably not even for the father.

Ask them to explain themselves (if you can be arsed).

notgivingin789 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:01:32

Thanks not and show. I would like another child but just not with DS dad. No way, no way. He was abusive, useless (in every was possible). I find it a bit discouraging that people who knew how DS dad was like be telling me that I should have another with him.

What about me ? My mental health by having another child with a person like that ? Who would pay for their clothes, childcare, basic living expenses? Cause God knows he won't !

notgivingin789 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:03:03

Sorry about my grammar ! It was my phone ! blushblush

Silverthorn Fri 27-Jan-17 13:03:43

I would just walk away from these people. They sound like thoughtless idiots to be frank.
Their opinions do not matter. It's up to you.
It wouldn't stop the comments if you comply.

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 27-Jan-17 13:04:21

They're talking a load of crap, OP. Just ignore them and their petty opinions about children being from the same fathers. They may think they're making a valid point but it just comes down to snobbery if they think it's better that all kids come from the same father even though he's abusive.

ImperialBlether Fri 27-Jan-17 13:04:35

I think you're mixing with the wrong people, tbh. Is it his relatives who keep banging on about this?

I assume you're not with him now. Why not try to make a circle of friends who are nothing to do with him and who won't ask you such stupid questions? You sound absolutely great and it's fantastic you're doing so well - steer clear of the idiots!

WasabiNell Fri 27-Jan-17 13:14:15

There's 10 years between me and my brother and we get on amazingly well so don't worry about age gaps smile

LivinOnAChair Fri 27-Jan-17 13:14:19

Firstly it sounds like you've juggled being a brilliant mum and finishing your education excellently!
If you don't want anymore children your DS will be perfectly fine as an only child, these people that ask you and make you feel uncomfortable have no right and are frankly rude. I think you are very sensible to not want anymore children until you are in a happy stable relationship and you have plenty of time if you did decide you wanted more in the future with the right person.
My advice; ignore them! You know it would not be the right thing to do to have another baby with somebody that didn't support you and was abusive, failing that ask them to have a baby with DS's father if they think he should have a sibling that strongly wink

notgivingin789 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:15:43

Thanks imperial it's from people who knew of our relationship. So not his family. Just people we have come across that knew of both of us (e.g. Family friends, his friends etc ).

Apparently it's common (I don't know - this is what I've been told) that if you have a child by someone, even if you have broken up with them, to keep having children by them anyway as it would benefit to have the same children by the same dad.

Morphene Fri 27-Jan-17 13:23:16

having children by the same makes the whole thing sound like breeding horses.


Anyway YANBU, having more children is rarely the answer to anything other than an overwhelming desire to have more children. If you don't have that desire then never ever do it.

Strifae64 Fri 27-Jan-17 13:29:58

I have one son that I love dearly

one is enough for me smile I would never change having him for the world but I certainly don't want any more. Just ignore them

Wallywobbles Fri 27-Jan-17 13:30:05

40+ years between my ex and his youngest siblings, 10 years between him and the closest.

Im youngest of 6 and it's great to be the youngest. Not so good to be the eldest of a big family.

It is said (no idea by whom) that a 5 year age gap is like being an only child.

Honestly just live a good life and fuck what others think. I'm full of admiration for what you've achieved.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 27-Jan-17 13:31:30

I had one.
Job done. I did my bit and it's over.
If anyone dared ask me (and they did a lot) I would just say 'No fuckin' way am I ever going through that shit again'
That usually put an end to the conversation.
You are so young.
You have your whole life ahead of you.
You are educating yourself to an extremely high standard.
Get your life on track with career etc... and if you do meet someone else who wants kids and you do, then great.
If not, one is more than enough!

Jeanstootight Fri 27-Jan-17 13:42:26

You sound like you are doing a great job and setting a great example to your DS. Why would you want to rock this situation? The only thing a child really needs is love, I've never met a child who needs a sibling, it's always the parents who want another child. There are advantages and disadvantages to having any number of children. Are these people just passing the time of day (it's the default question I find to mums of single children). If not ask them why they are so interested in when you'll be next having unprotected sex!

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