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AIBU to wish I could tell her what I think

(39 Posts)
lalalalyra Fri 27-Jan-17 09:10:11

I've had a simpering, aggravating email from Ex's wife. Apparently he's devastated and heartbroken that our two girls aren't going to his birthday party.

Her final line is that she just can't understand why they'd chose a wedding on my DH's side ("someone who is not even a relation to them") over his party.

It's thoroughly fucking tempting to point out that DH's side, the non relatives, have included the girls in their lives. They haven't not-yet delivered their Christmas presents because they've been 'busy'. They've not dropped and picked up the girls whenever it fucking suited them.

And she's no better. Apparently he's 'saddened' at how little he sees them and she's 'terribly sad' that their half siblings barely know them. Well given that she refused to learn how to use DD2's epi-pen and also refused to allow DD2 in their house without an adult who knew how to use it that meant that the girls can/could only visit when ex had the entire weekend off. Sometimes he had to do a guard duty for 6 hours or whatever which meant the entire contact had to be cancelled. To put into context DD2 has used her epi-pen twice in 6 years... So not like she was being asked to do extensive medical care, just to know how it worked (the twice it's been used it was DD1 who did it).

There's also the fact that when ex-MIL was in hospital the girls were uninvited to their Ds's christening because they couldn't possibly ask her family to keep an eye on the girls (who were 12!) in the chapel and they'd be up at the font. So that was another whole weekend cancelled.

Who invites their own 13yos to their birthday party by an invitation in the post anyway? I mean really? This party is in 3 weeks and this is the first they've heard of it. They weren't invited to her 40th or their half-brother's 1st birthday party in early January.

I won't say anything because DD1 has an awards thing next week and ex has promised he'll be there and will bring their Christmas presents (he insisted on buying the one thing they really, really wanted). I'm not risking him blaming me for the no show. Although I'm half thinking he might cancel for being "too upset" or some such bollocks.

It thoroughly tempting though.

lalalalyra Fri 27-Jan-17 09:24:24

And before anyone says it - I know it's not her place to look after them, but it's incredibly grating to see someone who cancelled contact so that she could organise a "much needed family weekend" for ex, her, their kids and her extended family bleating about missing the girls.

PJBanana Fri 27-Jan-17 09:31:01

You have my sympathy, when I was a child I had a similar situation with my dad (which is still going on now despite the fact that I'm 25) so I completely understand your frustration.

Sounds like she's looking for a reaction from you, and it sounds like she's being very hypocritical. I just wouldn't reply and would carry on with the wedding plans as you were before.

Don't let your ex and his wife dictate your lives, when they pick up and drop your DDs when it suits them. I know it's easier said than done, though.

lalalalyra Fri 27-Jan-17 09:37:18

Sounds like she's looking for a reaction from you

Oh yes. She's either looking for me to over-rule the girls (which I done a few times when they were younger and I felt like their Dad's side should get priority over my DH's side) or for me to be the one that says "No, they're not going" so that people at the party can be told I wouldn't let them come.

It's all been bubbling since last summer when I allowed ex's parents to take DD's to Italy for two weeks for a family wedding. He wasn't going, his wife won't go without him and she won't allow ex-inlaws to take their kids. So out of "fairness" he said the girls weren't to go with their grandparents and I overruled and allowed them to go. They've been gunning for a row ever since because he hates that I facilitate his parents, mostly his Mum, seeing the girls because he doesn't bother. He hasn't spoken to his Mum for months for treating the children unfairly...

One day it'll be very satisfying to let rip, but it's not my place to do so at the moment when the girls are dealing with it well.

CripsSandwiches Fri 27-Jan-17 09:41:07

I was going to say YABU for taking them to your DH's family wedding rather than their own DF's birthday but reading the rest of it YADNBU. You reap what you sow, he can't pick up and drop your DD's at is own convenience and expect them to still feel close to him. If your DH and his family have been consistent in making your DD's part of their lives then they are better family than blood relatives who can't be bothered.

Chloe84 Fri 27-Jan-17 09:46:06

YANBU, OP. Sounds like he mostly wants the girls there to make a show of what a good family man and dad he is.

Do the girls prefer to go to the wedding instead of his birthday?

lalalalyra Fri 27-Jan-17 09:54:22

Do the girls prefer to go to the wedding instead of his birthday?

Yes. It's been made absolutely clear by me, DH and their Aunt (well not their Aunt, but they consider her their Aunt. DH's SIL) that no-one will mind at all if they chose to go to his party. They want to go to the wedding. They've been excited about it for months and the whole family is going.

It's fucking ridiculous. Their Aunt is DH's SIL. Her sister was DH's late first wife and DS1's Mum. So my 'other inlaws' (as they named themselves) have a better and closer relationship with my daughters than their father does. They seem them weekly. On Saturday the Aunt whos wedding it is took them out for a girly day out just because she hadn't seen them since Christmas. Their own Dad hasn't even brought their Christmas presents yet. I really let them down in the father stakes.

MTB1003 Fri 27-Jan-17 09:56:22

Yanbu, don't get drawn into her games. Wow they are unbelievable. How does their own father treat them like random relatives rather than his own children. Should he be glad that his parents are taking such an interest in their children.

And why didn't they have your D.C.'s over for their siblings first birthday? That's shocking. Also shocking is that he is yet to give them their christmas presents, over a month later hmm

Just ignore her, and him for that matter. They can't expect you to jump at their requests. Besides you sound lovely for your ex pil to still have a good relationship with you.

DJBaggySmalls Fri 27-Jan-17 09:58:11

YADNBU. I wonder how well things are going her end for her to be spoiling for a fight like this...

RockyBird Fri 27-Jan-17 10:00:03


MTB1003 Fri 27-Jan-17 10:01:31

I really let them down in the father stakes.

No you have not. He is the let down here.

PassTheWineAndFags Fri 27-Jan-17 10:08:26

Though letting rip would be satisfying it sounds like it would just fuel bitching about you. I would choose not to reply. Does your husband send your ex emails? Its none of her business, ignore it.

Also, sounds like you have a really lovely new family who cherish you all and I thinl I would invest in them. Your girls want to go to the wedding, their choice which hasn't been influenced so they should go to the wedding. They probably feel very second rate at their dads.

honeyroar Fri 27-Jan-17 10:24:12

I think that you sound admirable. I'd have lost my rag long ago! (And that's from a stepmum!)

nigelforgotthepassword Fri 27-Jan-17 10:28:16

Just ignore ignore any reason with some people, so there is little point in trying.

Garnethair Fri 27-Jan-17 10:32:08

Put it in your spam file.

pipsqueak25 Fri 27-Jan-17 10:33:01

def has to be the choice of what the dds want they are old enough to decide, an ex of mine wants 'drag' adult ds along for the show, they aren't bothered with contact but go anyway 'for something to do' which seems sad really.

pipsqueak25 Fri 27-Jan-17 10:36:47

meant to say i wouldn't respond to her email, be the bigger person, she can bitch all over fb and probably will but does it matter in the long term, people who do that generally get sympathy for a while then everyone gets bored when the drama passes and she is being a bit of a dramatist. why isn't ex doing the asking isn't he man enough to stand up to you, you scary person ?smile

lalalalyra Fri 27-Jan-17 10:38:10

It's so frustrating.

I've only recently voice my opinion to the girls at all. I never used to say anything negative about him at all. Even when he deserved it. After the debacle in the summer though I had to have an opinion. They asked me directly when it was all kicking off. I've been so careful though. Everything carefully worded. Made sure I've always reiterated that he does love them.

But how was I supposed to answer "Why does he think we shouldn't get a holiday with Gran without the boys when he and stepmum took the boys to Australia/America/55 other holidays without us?" without being negative about him.

I hate the fact that my 13yo, who is so proud of her achievement, has said "I bet he doesn't come to my awards now because he'll be pissed off". How shit is that? She's probably right as well.

I just don't understand him at all. You'd think I pierced holes in condoms and forced him into being a father rather than them being the result of a lot of trying and a round of IVF with how bloody reluctant he is.

I'm ignoring the email. It won't help no matter how I reply. He's in for a shock the day he actually realises, if he ever does, that it was their choice and it was a perfectly understandable choice given how he's treated them.

emmyhNL Fri 27-Jan-17 10:39:16

They may have a loser for a father but what a wonderful family they've got with their aunt and your DH! I'd be cherishing this relationship with them as it sounds a lot healthier than with their dad.

lalalalyra Fri 27-Jan-17 10:39:57

Should have said thank you!

DH is away with work so it's good to have somewhere to rant (and I still get a bit worried about parenting decisions because of my own parents so double checking I'm doing ok is so helpful!).


pipsqueak25 Fri 27-Jan-17 10:40:33

sorry, for hijacking your thread, dds will make their own minds up about ex and realise that he really is a bit of a knob. you have my full respect for restraint in not telling her to fuck off last year and mind her own, but it is better to ignore the silly bitch. [now sit down pip and be quiet, step away from the keyboard]

lalalalyra Fri 27-Jan-17 10:43:26

They may have a loser for a father but what a wonderful family they've got with their aunt and your DH! I'd be cherishing this relationship with them as it sounds a lot healthier than with their dad.

We hit the jackpot with the in-laws and the other inlaws. MIL and OMIL, in particular, are amazing.

OMIL is like a hero of mine. To watch someone be like a mother to your grandson when your own daughter died so young must be horrific and yet she has been encouraging and supportive every single step of the way. I think she's the strongest person I've ever met. The fact she dotes on the other 5 kids is just so special. She's a lovely lady.

My MIL currently has my tantrumming 3yo for a few hours so she's my favourite person in the whole wide world grin

lalalalyra Thu 02-Feb-17 22:13:28

I knew it. He didn't turn up to DD's awards tonight. He didn't even tell her he wasn't coming. DD2, her Granny or someone else could have come in his place (she could only have 2 tickets), but no, he never said.

He text both girls later with a ridiculously long list of bollocks emotional blackmail. I'm livid.

DD1 has snapped. She's told him she'll buy the thing he bought her for Christmas with her Christmas money from people she's seen and that she's not going to his party. She basically siad "that's your choice" to his spiel about how long it'll be before he sees them if they don't come.

DD2 is heartbroken. Even though they are the same page she's younger. She's come to the conclusion that he doesn't love them at all and actually told my DH to fuck off when he said that he does, he's just incredibly selfish.

I've had an email telling me the party weekend is "his" weekend by his calculations (fuck knows what they are!) and he expects the girls to be made available. There's no contact arrangement, he has no PR (actively turned the chance to have it down twice) and the girls don't want to go so I'm not even responding to that. It's up to the girls now. I'm done playing the facilitator.

I'm so angry.

TheWitTank Thu 02-Feb-17 22:27:43

What a fucking arse. I too would be livid. Poor girls sad. I would either completely ignore the message or reply simply and to the point that as previously discussed, the girls will not be attending due to prior commitments. I would also block his number/email and carefully monitor his interaction by mobile with the girls. He is obviously upsetting them and emotional blackmail is awful.

honeyroar Thu 02-Feb-17 22:28:48

I bet you are! What a waste of space. As you say, someone who cares could have had the tickets. You're right, don't even dignify him with a response. The girls didn't want to go even before he hurt them by missing their award ceremony, now he's really blown his chances of them caring about his party.

Tell him they can't be bothered turning up, they must have inherited that gene from him!

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