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AIBU or is my mother-in-law?

(40 Posts)
Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:34:22

My mother in law helps out with childcare one day a week. I am eternally grateful for the help and the money she saves us.

We are VERY different but generally get on although there are a number of her ways that mildly (ok, sometimes majorly) wind me up but I manage to retain my irritation and ignore it.

HOWEVER, there is one thing that is more than niggling me, actually makes me feel boiling anger and it feels like it done intentionally to wind me up!

No matter how I've done my children's hair in the morning, she re-does it, in a different style that she knows I hate!!!!! There are also occasions that she's gone into their wardrobe to change the clothes of my youngest (pre school age)

Her preference is flouncy girly dresses (nearly party wear) and hair do's that involve multiple bows, clips and usually are on the top of their heads.

Mine is for more practical clothes (she's in nursery for crying out loud!) and hairbrushes into a pony tail or plait (to avoid nits) ideally not on the top of her head.

It's becoming every week and the styles are getting more and more ridiculous.

I vary between finding it amusing, being offended she feels I'm not 'doing it right' and downright anger!!!!!

AIBU or is she!?!?

(Disclaimer, for those who will say if I don't like it then don't let her have your kids, that's is not going to happen, this is a light hearted vent and attempt to see if I'm the only one who finds this unreasonable behaviour!)

NavyandWhite Thu 26-Jan-17 22:37:05

I think that annoy me too. Can you tell her to " just leave them in the clothes they're in please "?

Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:37:09

Ps we have had a few conversations along the way where I've discussed my dislike for these types of styles, she has watched me doing a ponytail and has said 'I always do it higher' to which I've said 'yeah, I prefer it like this...'

NavyandWhite Thu 26-Jan-17 22:37:19

Would*

Timeforteaplease Thu 26-Jan-17 22:39:55

Maybe your DD enjoys playing this game with MIL? She might see the dressing up side of it as fun. I would only say something if it is bothering your DD.

Rkd808 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:40:09

YABU, she's offering free childcare but likes to play dress up with your daughter, she's only got a small window before your daughter will start to inflict her own style so she's taking advantage. Unless your daughter doesn't like it then I'd just let it go, and take pictures to show your daughter when she's older as it'll probably be fun looking back

SheepyFun Thu 26-Jan-17 22:40:23

Does your MIL take DD to nursery? I have specific nursery outfits for my DD which I don't mind getting wet/dirty etc. That might help a bit with the clothing!

Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:40:30

Kind of, I come home and go 'oh you changed her' to which she'll normally say 'she was a bit hot in what you dressed her in' (not true) or 'yeah she said she wanted a dress' (she NEVER says that, she's at an age where she's pretty much oblivious to what she's dressed in!) short of telling her she's lying (I'm not going to cause a feud over it) I just have to quietly seeth!!!!

UpsyDaisyluvsIgglePiggle Thu 26-Jan-17 22:40:34

I get this with my dm. I just tell her to stop treating my dd like a doll. She's a child ffs. Luckily dd refuses to wear anything in her hair so all these ridiculous bows and hair bands go straight on the floorgrin

Nottalotta Thu 26-Jan-17 22:43:40

I think yabu a bit. Cant see the harm in it unless fancy dresses,are being ruined at nursery.

Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:43:43

True, there are times I laugh it off, just other times I struggle to not be peeved! You're right though, she sees it as just dressing a doll!
Yes, I have specific clothes for nursery that are fine to get dirty and I always dress her in them before I go to work.
I also dressed her once in a lovely dress I'd normally keep for best, but MIL had dressed her in the week previously and it had got horrendously stained with paint (as a hint!) I got home and she had changed her outfit as the 'other one was stained!' Fell on deaf ears lol!!!!

Willialwaysbelookeddownon Thu 26-Jan-17 22:45:05

I was going to tell you to bite the bullet but actually MIL even just adjusting the baby's blanket makes me want to scream.
However, DD may enjoy it. My grandma used to do it with me and I have really fond memories of always having my hair clipped by her and wearing pretty offensive dresses and I used to detest that my mum always had me in dungarees and trainers. So long story short, if DD likes it, let it slide. Pick your battles!

Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:45:26

And regarding my daughter seeing it as a game..no, she HATES being fussed with and dressed/hair done etc, otherwise I may understand! It's all my MIL!

Thinkingblonde Thu 26-Jan-17 22:45:44

I'd ask her stop treating your dd as a dolly. Dd is happier in practical clothing and an easy hairstyle.
If she's dressed in frills and a sophisticated up do it restricts her spontaneous play. Or something along those lines.

QueenArseClangers Thu 26-Jan-17 22:48:05

Hide the filly frocks etc. before MIL comes over so she can't get her changed into something ridiculous.

Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:48:29

I am definitely letting it slide, I'm not going to be causing a feud over this, I agree 100% to pick battles.

However, the angry person inside me inwardly fumes angry

SingingInTheRainstorm Thu 26-Jan-17 22:48:35

I get why you're angry, but it's one day a week, maybe MIL wants your daughter to look super girly. I think you have to let it go as she's providing care.
For nit prevention wash the children's hair with tea tree oil shampoo, they even have a spray that's none greasy you use with tea tree in that's meant to prevent them. All child friendly.

Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:49:27

Ha, queen, I have done that, she actually searched for them lol!

MrsDustyBusty Thu 26-Jan-17 22:54:25

Oh I know you're not going to say anything about it, so could you reframe it so it doesn't make you angry? I imagine your mother in law just thinks your daughter is beautiful and loves to see her in her pretty clothes (as opposed to play clothes).

I kind of get her, to be honest. I'm super aware that the window where I can dress my little girl in what I think is lovely without protest is closing fast - she already wants her clothes with animal prints most of all - and so I try to make the most of the short time I have left.

BertrandRussell Thu 26-Jan-17 22:57:47

If you're absolutely sure your dd doesn't like it, ask her to stop. Otherwise let her get in with it. One of the good things about grandparents is you can let them do stuff you would rather not do but that your children like. My fil was the Barbie procurer while I could maintain the moral high ground grin. But if your dd really doesn't like it, then stop it.

Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 23:01:50

Yeah, I can see that, the thing is, I don't think they needs dresses and bows to look pretty, I do dress them in pretty clothes that are feminine, just practical. Dresses/tunics and leggings or tights and warm dresses in the winter. Rarely trousers as they are both so tiny and they never fit right.

Yeah, I think on my angry days I just need to remind myself that it is harmless on her part.

To be honest, the hair thing is the thing that bothers me most!!! That's every week, I have tried just not doing her hair so she doesn't redo it, but she's not the most punctual and I worry then that if I don't get them completely ready they'll be late!!! More fool me a suppose as she seems to always make time for it!

LizzieMacQueen Thu 26-Jan-17 23:03:30

What you need to do is copy the style so that your dd arrives at her grandmother already done up to the nines (hope you follow that). Then wait and see how she chooses to restyle.

See it as a game. One that you'll win.

mustbetimeforacreamtea Thu 26-Jan-17 23:04:31

My xMIL always used to automatically take dd out of whatever I had put her in and put her in to an outfit that she had bought. There was never any form of "I've bought this and I'd love to see her in it - is that ok?". Xh was scared witless of her and would never let me raise it even in the most roundabout way.

Northernlassie1974 Thu 26-Jan-17 23:04:49

Apologies for typos, typing on my phone.

Yeah, I s'pose I just have to suck it up!!!! Honestly thought loads of people would agree it's annoying, but glad I have other perspectives to ground me!

I feel better for having my rant now anyway,
Thank you!

mustbetimeforacreamtea Thu 26-Jan-17 23:05:16

Meant to say you have my sympathy.

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