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Would I be unreasonable to ask my friend to not be my bridesmaid?

(21 Posts)
warmcustard Thu 26-Jan-17 22:09:00

I know I may be being very unreasonable I just want to hear others points of view.. i asked someone who has been a very close friend to be one of my bridesmaids at my wedding next year. She doesn't live in this country (she used to but moved last year) anyway since asking her (she said yes) she's barely been in contact with me or the other bridesmaids. She hasn't given any feedback on the bridesmaid dress i suggested for her (which I'm buying so it's not like I'm expecting her to pay)

I don't expect her to actually do anything other than turn up on the day but I'm worried she won't even do that/sees it as something stressful she would like to avoid. She barely speaks to me at all and there's been a few times in the last few months where I've really needed her support on other things going on and she hasn't given it. (I had a baby and they thought there were a few problems in the pregnancy and she never asked about it/followed up with me about it, I then had a cancer scare and she hasnt ever asked if I'm Even ok) feel like I'm being really high maintenance but I just feel like we are really growing apart and it does really hurt me!

My question is would it be unreasonable to ask her not to be a bridesmaid? I just feel like there is no real friendship there anymore and I don't want her to feel she has to pay to fly and turn up to a wedding she doesn't really want to go but feels obliged

Bluntness100 Thu 26-Jan-17 22:10:24

Why don't you call her and talk to her about it. Ask her if she still wants to do it.

Putsomepeasonit Thu 26-Jan-17 22:22:04

It doesn't sound like she worries about your feelings so I wouldn't waste energy worrying about hers. Let her know you're going with someone else for bridesmaid and choose a friend.

gamerchick Thu 26-Jan-17 22:24:58

I don't think I would even let her know. Just stop contacting her, she obviously isn't interested.

llangennith Thu 26-Jan-17 22:31:03

She's not a friend any more.

ImperialBlether Thu 26-Jan-17 22:33:17

Would she have paid for the flight yet?

warmcustard Thu 26-Jan-17 22:48:54

I doubt she would have bought a flight already she always says she has no money (I've helped her out a lot with money in the past so I don't know If she's expecting me to Pay for her flight)

HeddaGarbled Thu 26-Jan-17 23:48:25

I think that you need to have a phone or Skype conversation, not text or email, where your initial stance is not to ask her not to be your bridesmaid but to say that she hasn't responded to questions about the dress and other things lately (no need to go into detail about the other things, she'll know what you mean) so you are wondering whether it's going to be too difficult for her to manage with the flights and everything.

If her response sounds in anyway half hearted, push her. Say you honestly won't be offended and understand how difficult it will be now you are living in different countries. Try and tactfully give her permission to resign as bridesmaid.

If that doesn't work, then you'll need to make the decision whether to sack her or not. But once you've pinned her down to a commitment, there's less risk of her just not turning up.

If you don't want to put the ball in her court and actually do want to sack her, that's OK and understandable but that will be the end of your friendship so you need to be sure.

I don't want to diminish what you have been through at all but hardly anyone I know had a completely trouble free pregnancy and more than half of my friends have had a recall after a smear or mammogram so what may have felt terrifying and traumatic to you may not have registered as majorly traumatic to someone who you aren't seeing regularly. It was uncaring of her not to have asked but you don't know whether she would have stepped up if there had been more serious problems.

Quintessing Thu 26-Jan-17 23:52:14

Wow, thats a big thing for her, she has moved abroad!

How is that going for her? Is she happy? Got a job she likes? Met a man? Anything new and big going on in HER life? Have you given her an opportunity to talk about herself, or have you been too busy with pregnancy, pregnancy scare, birth of baby (congratulations), wedding plans, to find out how SHE is doing? Have you been to see her?

warmcustard Fri 27-Jan-17 00:01:32

Hedda I love your name...

It was slightly more than just small troubles in pregnancy I had hyperemesis followed by cholestatis and then I had a breached baby who stopped moving and was born by emergency c section due to the cord around their neck, they also removed several cysts which turned out to have been cancerous and I'm still being monitored for this- so I do get your point but i also don't want you to think I'm super high maintenance making mountains out of mole hills and over reacting to everything as I have really tried to keep a level head with this and I have always made excuses for her behavior to other people whereas now I am finding it harder to look past it.

I think I will try to call her although not always possible and give her the opportunity to say yes/no... part of me feels that she won't ever speak to me after my wedding anyway and so there isn't much point in keeping this going and to just cut losses etc. It really upset me to begin with but I feel I'm over a lot of it now and have just accepted friendships change which then makes me think I should just tell her and move on!

warmcustard Fri 27-Jan-17 00:04:42

Quintessing she was actually moving back home. No I haven't been to see her yet although I was planning to until she began to drop contact. I have asked her plenty of questions and haven't had much response. Honestly I want to stress I am not someone obsessed with my own life and not caring about hers- I have been there for her a lot when she has been through things before- financially, emotionally, a place to live, but it becomes difficult when it is not reciprocated to continue as a friendship is a two way street.

MakeMyWineADouble Fri 27-Jan-17 00:08:41

You sound like you have had a really thought time op flowers if your friend has always been a bit flakey then I would say you are not being unreasonable cut your looses.

However if this is new like pp have said might it be the case of you both have a lot going on at the moment and it's lead to a misunderstanding she thinks you only contact her when you want something about the wedding. You feel she's not interested. Have a talk and find out why is going one with her it might be the move has been a lot tougher than she though and she's really struggling.

Stonewash Fri 27-Jan-17 00:15:27

YANBU, in the circumstances. Much better to say something now than continue and regret it later.

HeddaGarbled Fri 27-Jan-17 00:18:18

Ah, I apologise, you've clearly had a harder time than I assumed.

sonyaya Fri 27-Jan-17 03:19:18

you are absolutely not being unreasonable. Asking her to step down will be a friendship ending move but doesn't sound like there's much friendship there anyway.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Fri 27-Jan-17 05:54:01

(I've helped her out a lot with money in the past so I don't know If she's expecting me to Pay for her flight)

Who pays for the flights is a critical issue I would have established long before now (granted it may be difficult if she won't talk to you!)

Did she pay you back all the money you lent in the past or was it a gift?

picklemepopcorn Fri 27-Jan-17 06:52:21

If she has moved back home, then her links to you and her life here may have proved much weaker than expected. It can all seem a bit dreamlike, holiday romance like, with hindsight.

PotteringAlong Fri 27-Jan-17 06:56:27

You said you're not expecting anything from her other than to turn up on the day, but that's clearly not true if you want feedback on dresses etc.

Also, as Jedda said, to you it was a massively difficult pregnancy. If she was abroad and got no children she just hears morning sickness and a bit itchy. Not to diminish what it was but because she doesn't understand.

You need to talk to her.

tattychicken Fri 27-Jan-17 06:57:30

You say getting married next year, so 2018? TBH that's an age away, she might not be paying it much attention at the moment.

CantChoose Fri 27-Jan-17 07:22:45

Does she have children, OP? Sorry if I've missed it and you've already said.
I don't and have had to make a real effort with some of my friends who do. Our lives feel so very different and their interests have naturally changed meaning that with some of them we just didn't have many shared ones any more. While I completely understand, to be blunt, I don't get as much enjoyment from those friendships as I used to. They also form new relationships and some talk about their 'mummy friends' a lot which makes me feel a bit pushed out - I'm never going to have that kind of friendship with them.
With my closest friends who I dearly love I still make a effort because I know friendship is more than just the above. And I know they've done the same for me. But it's harder and I'll admit I've let a few slide.
I don't hate children, I have close friends who already had children when I met them. But having children changes a person. Mostly in a good way but I think this can mean old friendships just don't work any more sometimes.

warmcustard Fri 27-Jan-17 11:58:56

Thanks for your replies everyone! Sorry I'm getting married this year in July I seen to be living in 2016!

She doesn't have children and I fully understand how lifestyles change - to be honest I don't blame her distancing herself at all - she's not really a kids type person and I totally understand how lives change when people have kids, priorities etc move on - so I'm not really blaming her for being in contact less. It hurt to begin with but I've sort of accepted it now as that is how it has turned out... for money it began as a loan and then turned in to a gift- it really isn't hat relevant I don't want money back or anything as I could afford
To give it. it was more just that I had been there and helped her out and she hasn't really reciprocated it.

I was really asking if it would be unreasonable to address the situation or if I should just suck it up and accept that she might not turn up/we might not speak after it... anyway thank you I shall try and talk
To her and see what my other bridesmaid thinks

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