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to speak to parent before the teacher?

(64 Posts)
YesAnastasia Thu 26-Jan-17 19:03:28

I always try to speak to the parents I know of children in DC classes when something happens between the children.

I'd always like to know what's going on with DC and want the opportunity to speak to them if I can, so assume other parents would too.

I don't think other parents feel the same way. In fact I've had a bit of a hostile encounter with another parent who believes that if it happens at school, I should go to the teacher not the parents.

How many others feel like this? Is there an unspoken rule that I'm not aware of?

AlmaMartyr Thu 26-Jan-17 19:04:55

I would always go to the teacher first. They are likely to have a better perspective on anything that's happened. Speaking to other parents rarely works out well in my experience.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland Thu 26-Jan-17 19:06:59

If you speak to the parent you're putting them on the back foot possibly before they've had the chance to speak to their child. You also only have one side of the story.

Any issue big enough to need to raise, its worth checking for a balancing view from the teacher. This way you can see if they are aware of the situation, make them aware, make sure you have your facts straight and to allow them to handle as you have entrusted the care of your child to them each and every school day.

RoseGoldHippie Thu 26-Jan-17 19:08:32

No experience as a parent but when I was at school, I remember parents going to each other rarely ended well. Infact I do remember two mums screaming at each other because neither thought their child was in the wrong.

Nataleejah Thu 26-Jan-17 19:09:49

I personal prefer to be informed myself first before something goes "official"

bumsexatthebingo Thu 26-Jan-17 19:36:46

I'd rather it went through the teacher. I've only ever been approached by a parent once who told me my dd had purposefully hit hers in the face with her coat. It seemed out of character to me so I just told her I'd speak to the teacher about it. Luckily the teacher had seen the incident and it turned out that the other girl was trying to pull my dd's coat off her and my dd let go and the zip hit the other girl in the face. So not quite what the other parent had been led to believe! I asked the teacher to put the other mother right and strangely enough she wasn't so quick to approach me again to apologise. I've also embarrassed myself speaking to another parent about an issue that, in hindsight, was something of nothing and I probably didn't come across well. Always deal with anything that happens at school through the school now or help the kids to sort it themselves if at all possible.

Witchend Thu 26-Jan-17 19:40:03

Always go to the teacher if it's important enough or leave it i it isn't.
If you go up to a parent saying "my child says this happened" it will almost always come across as you believing every word and accusing their child.
They also haven't had chance to get their child's side, and indeed their child may have seen it as a non-event so not mentioned it.

TeenAndTween Thu 26-Jan-17 19:44:42

Always, always the teacher.

TheSnowFairy Thu 26-Jan-17 19:45:58

I had a parent approach me in the playground once to tell me DS2 and another boy had broken her son's glasses.

I knew nothing about it, she was quite upset, it was raining and I had younger DD with me.

I was not impressed at all and told her it should come through the teacher. I felt completely blindsided and the school (when I then enquired further) supported my DS's view of what happened totally. (Mind you, she had phoned the other parent direct so I probably came off lightly!)

Do it through school. Much easier and less emotive for all concerned.

Mumzypopz Thu 26-Jan-17 19:47:19

I'd be horrified if a parent came to me complaining about my child. Would much prefer anything to go through the teacher, although I realise how busy they are.

YesAnastasia Thu 26-Jan-17 19:48:32

Hmm, I'm starting to see this is a problem. I thought it was respectful because I would see it that way.

I was thinking that parents are responsible for their children wherever they are and should know significant things.

Also I have lost a lot of trust in the school recently so wanted to sort it out between us. Bullying is a bit of problem there, as is recognising children with needs.

DancingDragon Thu 26-Jan-17 19:50:31

I wouldn't want a parent approaching me about my dc's perceived wrongdoings. Go to the teacher and talk about it.

DancingDragon Thu 26-Jan-17 19:51:40

I was thinking that parents are responsible for their children wherever they are and should know significant things

I would expect the teacher to tell me about significant things.

Figure17a Thu 26-Jan-17 19:52:14

Yes, absolutely if it happens in school teacher every time. For a start,you weren't there so you really have no idea what actually happened.

Although TBH, it sounds like you/dc have an awful lot of issues that require intervention! I'm into my 12th year of dc at school and reckon I've had need to speak to school about another child's behaviour towards one of mine once and I've had to go in about my dcs' behaviour towards another child twice.

foxyloxy78 Thu 26-Jan-17 19:54:56

Always the teacher. It's school policy too.

bumsexatthebingo Thu 26-Jan-17 19:55:05

I agree that as a parent you should be aware of what is going on with your child. I would expect the teacher to inform me if my child had actually done anything I needed to know about either that a member of staff had seen or a parent had alerted them to. I wouldn't appreciate being pulled aside in the playground on the say so of someone elses child who will obviously have told their parent they were in no way in the wrong.

SandyDenny Thu 26-Jan-17 19:59:08

foxyloxy - how do the school enforce that policy? How do they stop parents talking to each other about their children?

That sounds like a poorly thought out policy to me

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman Thu 26-Jan-17 20:00:19

It's not about being responsible for your child's behaviour, it's about knowing exactly what's gone on. In my experience the teacher will have a far better idea of the facts than another parent (unless they're an eyewitness which is unlikely)

Meffy Thu 26-Jan-17 20:00:27

God for me it's always parent first!

Let me know why my kid is upsetting yours !

No labels required!

bumsexatthebingo Thu 26-Jan-17 20:01:10

We get occasional reminders in the newsletter to approach the teacher if there are any problems at school and also for parents to be mindful of their behaviour as there have been incidents of violence between parents on the school grounds shock

paxillin Thu 26-Jan-17 20:04:26

Teacher first. The parent wasn't there, the teacher was.

I wouldn't react too well about your approach, either. I'd wonder about your motivation to use the shortcut rather than going via the teacher as advised. It looks as if you weren't interested in hearing the teachers, the other child's and perhaps other witnesses' sides and therefore confront me without either of us having all the facts.

CripsSandwiches Thu 26-Jan-17 20:05:14

I think it would depend what the issue was though - if there was some squabble between long term friends if I got involved at all I might have a chat with the other child's parents and see if we could help heal the breach.

If there's an issue where one child is probably at fault I think it's safer to approach the teacher to be honest. They're a better impartial observer and are better placed to tackle an issue that's developing at school.

BarbarianMum Thu 26-Jan-17 20:11:25

I might approach the other parent if I knew them well and our dc were friends and it was a 6 of one/half a dozen of the other type incident. Otherwise, no - I'd speak to the teacher.

theaveragewife Thu 26-Jan-17 20:13:26

I told the teacher about an issue with a friend's child...then I felt guilty and told the we're not friends anymore!!

Always the teacher!

user1484226561 Thu 26-Jan-17 20:17:33

Never ever approach another parent.

You know nothing about the context, the family or the child you are talking about. Or how your child behaves in school!

In our school you would be banned from the school premises for doing that.

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