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Who is being unreasonable, me or Ds?

(47 Posts)
atheistmantis Thu 26-Jan-17 18:51:44

Ds, 17, is going out with friends tonight and then again with his girlfriends family on Saturday night. When he asked about Saturday night I agreed and said that we would go out for the day on Saturday. Last time we tried to have a family day out Ds was going out with his girlfriend in the afternoon and so we were only out together for an hour or so and the rest of us had the rest of the day without Ds which meant going to an event, finding out it was all in the afternoon despite being advertised as all day and so drove Ds home and then drove back. On Saturday we are going to another event at the same place and then doing something important a family to help a relative.

Now he has told me that he wants to go out about 1pm as his girlfriends family are going to see their brother and sil and are leaving at lunch time. I explained that he couldn't as we were going out for a day together and reminded him that last time he missed our day out because of wanting to go out at lunch time. This was in the car; when we got in he barged into me to get past into the lounge and kept shoving me to get past. Then he stormed off to his room and shouted bitch down the stairs at me and then yelled that he was trying to do it right and come out with us just for the morning. I've said that he can't go at all after he barged and shoved at me and called me a bitch.

Who is being unreasonable?

PippaPug Thu 26-Jan-17 18:53:52

He is 17 - why does he have to have family time with you? He wants to spend one with his gf and rightly so!
Let him have his own independence!

PippaPug Thu 26-Jan-17 18:54:25

He should not of called you names however but maybe he is fed up of being forced to do family time with no say on the matter?

Enkopkaffetak Thu 26-Jan-17 18:55:08

I think you know OP that anyone shoving you or calling you a bitch in your own home is very unreasonable.

With regards to the issue. I would talk once you have both calmed down. Both about how to deal with it and about how he will react next time so it is not violent.

Trainspotting1984 Thu 26-Jan-17 18:56:10

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that or pushed (but, lets be realistic, it's not unusual teenage behaviour) but I don't think it's strange he wants to see his GF either. I agree he's a bit old for enforced family days

MummaGiles Thu 26-Jan-17 18:56:21

Unless he's expecting you to fund all these days/nights with other people, let him get on with it. You should be pleased he has some independence.

MummaGiles Thu 26-Jan-17 18:56:37

He shouldn't have spoken to you like that though

Osolea Thu 26-Jan-17 18:57:45

It's nice that he feels obliged to go out with you at all at 17.

You're better off letting him go and then choose to come back to you than forcing him to spend time with you so that he begins to resent it.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 26-Jan-17 18:58:17

If you expect a family event every week YABU

If this is the first time in 3 months, he is being unreasonable.

UnicornButtplug Thu 26-Jan-17 18:58:36

He was unreasonable to call you names but seriously, forced family time at 17? It's not going to be fun for anyone if you make him go when he doesn't want to be there.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta Thu 26-Jan-17 18:59:13

Unreasonable behaviour of course but at 17 he shouldn't be being forced to spend time with his family - despite what a lot of people on here think, he's practically an adult!

NavyandWhite Thu 26-Jan-17 18:59:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustSpeakSense Thu 26-Jan-17 18:59:58

I think it's reasonable for him to want to spend time with his GF, he is almost an adult and you should respect his independence.

Having said that his behaviour is unacceptable, and as he is almost an adult he should be in better control of his anger.

Not sure what I'd do now if I were you though because he can't get away with his he's behaved, but I would have allowed him to go to gf's in the first place.

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 26-Jan-17 19:03:52

Sorry OP, I know it's not nice that he's pulling away and spending more time away from you than with you, but he's 17 years old.

He was wrong to shove you and to swear at you. Very wrong indeed. If he has any kind of monetary allowance I would be stopping that for the foreseeable. He is too old to be grounded and too old to be told he can't go places at 1pm.

I personally think you are being too controlling. You need to let him live his own life now.

corythatwas Thu 26-Jan-17 19:04:48

While I agree that regular forced family time at 17 might be excessive, part of this day was about helping a relative. Surely this, like regular chores, is something that might be expected of an almost-adult who lives in the house and enjoys the benefits of a family life?

I don't expect my 16yo to spend every weekend with us. But I do expect him to rally round when relatives visit from afar or when someone in the family needs a helping hand- seeing that other people have given helping hands to him over the years and will no doubt continue to do so.

Give and take.

sirfredfredgeorge Thu 26-Jan-17 19:04:52

You are both being unreasonable.

He is being unreasonable in calling you names and barging.

You are being unreasonable in dictating what other people do with their free time. With your description simply saying he couldn't, rather than providing any reasons why it would't work, or why you might prefer. Also him asking and you clearly feeling it's appropriate to give permission for him to out on a saturday night suggests you are generally quite U about these things.

He shouldn't have to ask, he sounds sensible and amenable to compromising on things, and even willing to ask for permission for things he really shouldn't have to ask for. You really need to work on your relationship, you will lose control of him, do it gradually rather than by diktat.

NerrSnerr Thu 26-Jan-17 19:04:57

He was wrong to call you names and barge past you but I don't think he should be forced to do family stuff if he doesn't want to.

DonaldStott Thu 26-Jan-17 19:09:34

He was totally in the wrong for his name calling and shoving, but ffs, let him have a life. He is almost an adult.

When I was 17 my weekends were spent with friends, socialising and I would have been thoroughly fucked off if my mum tried to enforce family time.

Leeds2 Thu 26-Jan-17 19:09:43

He shouldn't have called you names, and pushed you, and I think he should apologise for doing so.
BUT I can completely understand why a 17 year old wants to spend time with his friends/girlfriend rather than go on family days out. Is the day out to do something that suits him, or is it something aimed at younger siblings?

Mammylamb Thu 26-Jan-17 19:17:31

Yabu. He is almost an adult and should be able to spend his free time as he wishes. It's not up to you to dictate.

His behaviour though in pushing you and calling you a bitch was very unreasonable

Witchend Thu 26-Jan-17 19:31:51

I'm reminded of a lady I knew who said that when her dc were teenagers she wouldn't allow them to lie in later than 9am ever because they should be taking part in family time.
They'd be teenagers now. I wonder how that's going. grin

In both cases, I suspect that enforcing family time will ensure that once they leave home they will have developed a hatred for it which means they will do it as little as possible.

atheistmantis Thu 26-Jan-17 19:38:10

witchend shockI can't imagine it going well.
Ds and I have had a chat now that -we have both- he has calmed down and we've worked out a compromise.

BackforGood Thu 26-Jan-17 19:43:12

Agree with everyone else.
No, he shouldn't have spoken to you anyone lilke that, and nor should he have shoved / pushed past.
It's a bit much that you are expecting a 17 yr old to want to have arranged "family time" as if he were a small child.
He presumably is at school or college, presumably likes to sleep a lot, quite possibly has a job and / or hobbies - he wants to be with his girlfriend, and he wants to have control over what he chooses to do with his own "leisure time" (for want of a better phrase).

RoseGoldHippie Thu 26-Jan-17 21:37:15

He should not have spoken to you or acted like that towards you but he is 17! I didn't even live at home when I was his age and now I choose to spend lots of quality time with my family. Don't force it because it may impact your relationship in future

RebootYourEngine Thu 26-Jan-17 21:42:43

I agree with everyone. He shouldnt have spoken to you like that and you shouldnt expect a 17yr old to take part in family time.

At 17 i was living with my partner & pregnant.

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