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To think I'm going to lose a friend over this?

(26 Posts)
CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 16:29:59

I became friends with a woman I work with. At that time she was going through a break up with a man we also work with.

I told her that me and this man had also been together (nothing serious, just sex).

He lied to her and told her he had never been with anyone else since his ex when clearly he had with me.

They broke up because he'd started a new relationship behind her back. She confronted him about what I'd told her and he said I was lying in order to keep them broken up confused

It's also come out that he'd lied about a lot but still denies everything.

They have started talking again and it seems obvious they will get back together.

I feel sad because I feel like I'm going to lose a good friend. This man doesn't like me, he gives me dirty looks at work etc

If your boyfriend hates your friend then .... it's the friend you are going to see less of sad

SheldonsSpot Thu 26-Jan-17 16:32:12

Yes in general it's yet messenger that gets shot.

Not sure why you felt the need to tell her though about you and him.

EdmundCleverClogs Thu 26-Jan-17 16:37:05

Why did you tell her about you and him? Obviously if you slept with him when you were both single, you did no wrong on that end. However, I've been in a very similar situation, and knew the friend would not appreciate being told that asshole ex was quite happy putting it around people close to them. It's very much a case of shooting the messenger with things like this.

CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 16:40:35

Him and me were before he got with her.

I would find it weird if months/years down the line I said I'd slept with her ex.

I'd rather start a friendship on honesty.

EdmundCleverClogs Thu 26-Jan-17 16:49:33

CatchTheRainbow, but it was just a fling, whilst they seemed to had a relationship. Where they together when you struck up a friendship? By admitting you slept with him, in the back of her mind she may worry you two would 'hook up' again, or you were hanging around to get closer to him. It's no surprise he's using you against her (though he does sound a right arsehole).

Ultimately, I think admitting you slept with him has caused more problems for you, and very likely this friendship will die out. If they get back together, you're either the woman who slept with her boyfriend at one point, or a liar if she believes him. Not good either way. Not to talk about the fact he dislikes you.

CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 16:54:58

CatchTheRainbow, but it was just a fling, whilst they seemed to had a relationship. Where they together when you struck up a friendship? By admitting you slept with him, in the back of her mind she may worry you two would 'hook up' again, or you were hanging around to get closer to him. It's no surprise he's using you against her (though he does sound a right arsehole

Yes it was a fling.

They broke up when she found out he had a new girlfriend.

When I became friends with her they were long over and one of the first things she told me in confidence was they had been seeing each other and that he had screwed her over. (They had kept their dating a secret)

I think it would have been strange at that point if I'd not said anything.

Bluntness100 Thu 26-Jan-17 16:58:31

It's difficult to be friends with someone who shagged your boyfriend.in addition she's hearing two different stories, you're clearly a relatively new friend if she didn't know your past, so she either needs to believe you shagged her boyfriend and that makes her uncomfortable, or she believes him and thinks you're a bit weird and made it up. Either way you don't come out of it smelling of roses. All she knows is one of you is lying.

HerBluebiro Thu 26-Jan-17 17:02:52

Oh your update clarifies the time line. Yes. You were taking about her ex. And he was someone you had snagged.

Now they ate getting back together. Yup you will be jettisoned. As you remind her of the lies he told before.

Sorry. I hope I'm wrong. But don't think it is likely. She may just blank you for a bit rather than big blow out row. Then when they break up again she might come back to you.

CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 17:05:10

Either way you don't come out of it smelling of roses

I didn't "shag" her boyfriend. I as a single woman had a fling with a single man at work which fizzled out. They got together maybe a month later. I never even knew her during this time.

She does believe me. She's seen the texts and he's lied about a lot to her so she knows he's a liar and untrustworthy.

SheldonsSpot Thu 26-Jan-17 17:07:38

As far as I can see, you don't come out smelling of roses, not for sleeping with the guy, but for telling your 'friend'.

Even after reading your updates I still can't see why you told her.

Bluntness100 Thu 26-Jan-17 17:12:14

>!I didn't "shag" her boyfriend. I as a single woman had a fling with a single man at work which fizzled out.<<

Eh? you know what I meant, he's now her boyfriend and you had a fling (shagged) him previously. Lots of women don't like that. It makes them uncomfortable to know the women she is talking to had sex with her partner. Some women are fine with it. Others not so much,

If she knows he is lying then more fool her for getting back with a scumball.

BigChocFrenzy Thu 26-Jan-17 17:14:34

It's not like you told her about her bf and some 3rd party - which would have been none of your business.

If you hadn't told her, you would have had to keep hiding your previous relationship, which someome else might have let slip sometime in the future.
That kind of secret between friends can poison a relationship.

He's a sleaze who will continue to leave a trail of chaos behind him

user1484317265 Thu 26-Jan-17 17:15:46

As far as I can see, you don't come out smelling of roses, not for sleeping with the guy, but for telling your 'friend'

Isn't that what friends do? If my new boyfriend was telling me that he'd hadn't slept with anyone but he'd actually slept with my friend, I'd want to know that. I'd thank her for telling me so I didn't waste anymore time on the asshat who lied to me.

Do people really think that their friends should help some dude lie to them and say nothing? Odd view of friendship!

OP, if she picks a lying cheating scumbag over an honest friend, you don't need her in your life.

VioletRoar Thu 26-Jan-17 17:15:46

Op I'd definitely want to know if my friend had slept with my boyfriend previously. It would come out eventually then she'd wonder why you didn't tell her! Sadly you'll probably lose this friend but it's no ones fault really.

CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 17:17:42

Yes but it's not nice to say I fucked someone's boyfriend. Because it makes me sound like I cheated which never happened.

They aren't together now, but it looks like it's heading that way.

She's been an amazing friend to me and it genuinely upsets me that she probably won't be in my life anymore and that she might end up with this dickhead.

Honestly the things he's done are just disgusting.

memyselfandaye Thu 26-Jan-17 17:19:21

Friends don't keep those kind of secrets from each other, the fallout from keeping quiet then being found out much later would be a hell of a lot worse.

VioletRoar Thu 26-Jan-17 17:20:07

Sounds so much like my old workplace. I got more caught up that you can imagine. shudders

CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 17:23:51

That kind of secret between friends can poison a relationship

Exactly. I wanted to start my friendship being open and honest.

If it had meant she disliked me then fine. No loss as i would never have known how good our friendship was. Can't miss something you never had.

But I know her well enough at this point to know I did the right thing by telling her.

I do find it strange that some are baffled as to why I told her.

Would none of you be more hurt if say you had a 5 year relationship and you found out your friend had slept with your partner in the past before you'd got together and they'd both kept it from you? Because I know that would hurt me.

Bluntness100 Thu 26-Jan-17 17:26:57

>>Yes but it's not nice to say I fucked someone's boyfriend. Because it makes me sound like I cheated which never happened. <<

Well to be fair I said shagged, and clearly didn't mean it was cheating, you'd already repeatedly articulated it was before she got together with him.🙄

SheldonsSpot Thu 26-Jan-17 17:36:35

From what I can gather you slept with the guy, he's had a relationship with the woman, they've recently split up at which point you met her, and told her that you'd slept with him.

How long exactly have you known this woman, and how long had you known her before you felt the need to tell her you'd slept with her ex?

WankersHacksandThieves Thu 26-Jan-17 17:50:14

If they do get back together, it sounds like it wont last and she'll need a friend. I suppose it's up to you to decide if you would want to be that friend even if she dropped you for him in the interim.

How likely would she be to learn her lesson this time? I don't think i could take being repeatedly dropped for some scumbag man every time he clicked his fingers, but I would forgive it once smile

CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 18:16:41

How long exactly have you known this woman, and how long had you known her before you felt the need to tell her you'd slept with her ex?

Felt the need? hmm well .. I introduced myself and then 54 seconds later I told her.

Or we became friends and she opened up to me that they had been secretly seeing each other. He had become distant and then she found out from someone that he now had a girlfriend.

I only told her when she brought him up into conversation. I felt she was being honest and trusting to me so why would I not tell her?

This isn't even the issue here. I told her months ago.

My issue is potentially losing a friend.

ChicRock Thu 26-Jan-17 20:37:05

So this friend (who you've not long met), confides in you that she's split with her bf, she's found out he's in a relationship with someone else and she's uncovered a few of his lies, then you pile in with "by the way I've slept with him too".

Unnecessary imo.

Yes, if they get back together it's friendship over - you're someone that has either slept with her bf, or is a lying shit-stirrer, and either way her bf can't stand you.

CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 20:52:50

ChicRock daaaamn who pissed on your cornflakes.

Sorry but you're not getting a fight out of me.

You have no idea how the conversation went.

Also She didn't split with him and then he had a new girlfriend, he had a girlfriend whilst he was seeing her. He was also messaging at least 3 other women at work.

Why would I not have told her our history? confused

If you prefer to live your life with lies and sticking your hand in the sand then you do that.

CatchTheRainbow Thu 26-Jan-17 20:55:42

Yes, if they get back together it's friendship over - you're someone that has either slept with her bf, or is a lying shit-stirrer, and either way her bf can't stand you.

She knows the truth. She's seen the texts he sent me, even asking me to go over to his when they were seeing each other (No I didn't know her then).

He only stopped talking to me when I moved to her department.

Then since I told her the truth and she confronted me that's why I get the dirty looks.

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