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AIBU?

To not invite older children/adults to our wedding ?

40 replies

Flibbertyjibbit · 26/01/2017 12:44

I have a lovely friend who I do not want to offend so thought I would ask the mumsnet jury before finalizing our wedding guest list.

She re-married a few years ago and they now have a 4 year old son who will be invited along with friend & husband. My problem is she also has 2 daughters from previous marriage that are 17 & 19, they still live at home if that makes any difference.

We have to pay full adult price for anyone over 16. I'm thinking of only inviting friend, husband and 4 year old. I have only met the older ones a couple of times with a brief hello.

There will be lots of other children under 10 at the wedding but no other teens/young adults.

Would you be offended/upset if your older children were not invited to a wedding?

OP posts:

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PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2017 12:46

I don't think you can just invite their four year old. It's fine to invite all their children or none, but not just one of them (unless it was a young baby).

PassTheWineAndFags · 26/01/2017 12:47

Yes, YABU. Invite them as a family or not at all, then its their decision if they go.

Rainydayspending · 26/01/2017 12:48

Yes I'd read any selectiveness as a coded "please don't come to our wedding".

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2017 12:48

Just in case it wasn't clear, inviting them as a couple is fine. You really can't just invite one of their children, especially since the other two are from a previous marriage.

OllyBJolly · 26/01/2017 12:49

Yes, I'd be offended that someone else decided who in my family could attend a "lovely friend's" big day!

I would invite them all, but would not be at all surprised if 17 and 19 year old had better things to do.

GahBuggerit · 26/01/2017 12:54

I probably would yes. But I wouldn't be offended if a good friend explained the situation to me so I could offer to pay for my other kids to go.

Could I lightly suggest that if you are having to split families up in this way and force them to choose whether to attend (I prob wouldnt attend tbh if I couldnt pay for them to go, just wouldnt feel right being complicit in excluding my own children for just being too old) then your wedding is perhaps too expensive for you?

AuntiePenguin · 26/01/2017 12:56

I'm sorry, I think it's very rude to only invite some members of a family.

keekaw · 26/01/2017 12:57

I'd have no problem with this. But I'd ring my friend and discuss.

Orangebird69 · 26/01/2017 12:59

You might be a bit U but I can't imagine that 2 big teens will be particularly offended that they weren't invited to the wedding of one of their mum's mates who they don't know v well...

bonbonours · 26/01/2017 12:59

I personally would speak to her and ask would you or they be bothered if not invited. As they are older it's not like it gives her childcare problems. I would guess neither she nor they mind, esp if they don't really know you. On the other hand if you invite them she may think you'd be offended by their absence and insist they come whether they want to or not.

In all these wedding situations I just think people should talk to each other. If she's not a good enough friend to have a conversation with why would you want her at your wedding?

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2017 12:59

I don't think it's the teens who will be most offended orange.

Orangebird69 · 26/01/2017 13:01

Ok then. I don't think the friend would or indeed should be offended either. OP, explain to you friend. If she is a friend, she won't mind at all.

Iamastonished · 26/01/2017 13:03

"Could I lightly suggest that if you are having to split families up in this way and force them to choose whether to attend then your wedding is perhaps too expensive for you?"

This ^^

You can't do this. It is worse than saying "no kids at all". You would majorly piss your friend off.

kel12345 · 26/01/2017 13:05

Personally I wouldn't not invite the older children, as i think it should be al or none. Also I'd invite the older 2 with separate invitations and include a plus 1.

CharlieSierra · 26/01/2017 13:06

I can't see the issue with this, one of them is officially an adult and the other one as good as. They aren't your friends, you hardly know them. MN is so weird about weddings, it's really not a good place to ask.

InfiniteCurve · 26/01/2017 13:06

I would talk to my friend - but I can't imagine that the 17 and 19 year old are going to want to go to the wedding of someone they don't know - why would they?
This could become a second thread "A good friend has invited my family to her wedding - this includes my 17 and 19 yr old. They've only met her a couple of times in passing,neither wants to go ....."

Orangebird69 · 26/01/2017 13:06

Eh? Since when did not wanting to afford to invite people you hardly know translate into not being able to afford a wedding??

Orangebird69 · 26/01/2017 13:07

Lol infinite exactly!

DeathStare · 26/01/2017 13:08

Someone I know did this - or rather they spoke to the friend first saying they planned to do this. The guest was incredibly offended and other mutual friends agreed. It was the end of the friendship and other friendships were more strained.

I think you'd be being unreasonable. Either invite all of them, or just invite the couple, or invite none of them. You can't pick and choose favourites amongst (child) siblings

user1471518295 · 26/01/2017 13:08

I would not even consider inviting adult children of a friend. Why would you, unless you know them well?

user1471518295 · 26/01/2017 13:09

Some people just want to be offended.

ImperialBlether · 26/01/2017 13:11

Why on earth would the teens even want to go to the wedding of someone they hardly know? You don't have to invite everyone in the family, that's ridiculous. Why not just invite the couple and say, "If you want to bring your 4 year old, that's fine"?

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JellyWitch · 26/01/2017 13:13

I would invite the whole family or not at all. You can't be that close if you don't know the kids.

SliceOfLime · 26/01/2017 13:15

I think you either have to invite all the children, or none. Why not ring your friend, explain you're finalising numbers/costs, and ask her if the teens would want to come? If she speaks to them and they say no, problem solved - if they do want to, then you should invite them I think. I can't imagine they will want to go though!

PurpleDaisies · 26/01/2017 13:16

I would invite the whole family or not at all. You can't be that close if you don't know the kids

I don't agree with that-I'm friends with my friends, not their children and when we meet up there are rarely children there. I speak on the phone, text and email my friends not their kids.

I think if the older children had left home it would be different but I don't think it's right to invite some of them and not others while they're all living together.

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