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...to be angry rather than supportive that my husband has admitted he's jealous of me?

(100 Posts)
user1485363114 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:13:01

I'll keep as brief as possible. My husband goes through periods of throwing things around, acting petulantly, making me feel guilty for things by criticising me... essentially when I'm not doing things his way or how he prefers. Basically... whenever I have my own opinion!

I usually ignore it until he gets over himself. Over the past week it's intensified to an unbearable degree after I achieved a really quite fantastic milestone in my career at a time he's feeling really low. I didn't do it deliberately and I have tried not to mention it too much. I am working hard to hide my excitement and to be sensitive.

Last night we spoke. He said he has been working hard his whole life and then I just do this thing easily (I've been working hard for a long time too!). He said he's jealous of the attention I'm getting and he deserves the success I'm currently enjoying after all the things he's done previously. He says he's frustrated by the situation, not at me per se, and that I need to be able to separate those two. So, I've interpreted this as him saying he's feeling insecure at my actions... but not at me?

It must have been painful for him to admit that. And it helped me understand why he was acting so horribly rather than celebrating with me. I feel sad he's insecure like this. But it was shocking and angered me to hear. I would celebrate, support and champion him. That's called being a couple. I am incredibly sad and angry inside that I've married someone who has it in them to feel anything but love and support for their partner's success.

Today he's acting hurt and angry because I've withdrawn after his chat. I just feel like I can't be bothered, and I'll keep myself to myself for the time being if hearing about events around my success at work is bringing him discomfort.

He says I've made the whole thing about me and that, instead of withdrawing, I should be able to support him as he's working his way through his emotions, and be grateful he's explained. He's asked me why have I taken it so personally?

I am at my wits end. How can I separate the two - he's angry at my actions but not at me?! What?! I'm a human being not a saint. Yes, I have taken it personally.

So - AIBU to feel like actually, no I don't want to support him through his frustration because yeah I have taken them damn personally, and he needs to get over himself. He can't just dump that on me and then expect me take it on the chin, say thank you and give him a big cuddle, can he? Or am I being as bad as him? I know I should be supportive. I just can't bring myself to be at the moment.

Creampastry Wed 25-Jan-17 17:14:35

Im afraid I would be questioning the longevity of this relationship.... not normal behaviour, just abusive.

LagunaBubbles Wed 25-Jan-17 17:15:45

How can I separate the two - he's angry at my actions but not at me?!

Sorry in my mind this is the same thing. You can be jealous of something someone else has achieved and still pleased for them at the same time, which hes not expressing to you.

kittybiscuits Wed 25-Jan-17 17:16:01

I would ignore him and consider whether I had any reasons to stay in this relationship.

HelsBels5000 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:16:24

He's an unsupportive prick. Any normal partner would be over the moon with happiness for their OH, and enjoy celebrating with them. What a joy-sapping loser.

DearMrDilkington Wed 25-Jan-17 17:17:19

Do you think he might be depressed? It's very hard to feel happy about someone when you feel so low about yourself.

It's not fair on you though and congratulations for your new achievement!cakewine

AyeAmarok Wed 25-Jan-17 17:20:05

I would be annoyed too OP. Especially at his suggestion that you haven't worked hard for what you have achieved. Are you in the same industry?

By any chance, is he the sort of person who feels like the world owes him a living and that success should just fall into his lap, and that when other people get something he thinks he deserves, he thinks it's a big conspiracy, rather than that they are just better at it/worked harder?

Butterymuffin Wed 25-Jan-17 17:20:44

He's asked me why have I taken it so personally?

But this is exactly what he's doing to you - taking your success as a personal insult to him, and being directly unpleasant to you as a result. Massive double standard. He's allowed to react as badly emotionally as he wants, but you have to be a smiling robot throughout? I don't think so.

I don't like the sound of his general behaviour either. Does he have any good points? Do you have children?

OccasionalNachos Wed 25-Jan-17 17:21:56

Agree with Dilkington that he might be depressed. My partner had a similar reaction to a similar situation many years ago, and it was the trigger that led to a formal diagnosis of depression.

I was extremely angry at this reaction and we seperated for a while. We were able to work through it eventually, once he started on anti-d's and had counselling.

meiisme Wed 25-Jan-17 17:22:18

This is horrible, how you are tiptoeing around him and his feelings. He is making your major milestone about him and his right to at least be doing as well as you (but I'm guessing preferably better) in life. You should be grateful he explained how horrible it is that you did such a great thing?! Throwing things, guilt tripping, sulking, it's all abuse aimed to subdue you. And while you think you might just be leaving him to it, read back your post and see how much of yourself you're holding back/keeping quiet to prevent him from kicking off.

Megatherium Wed 25-Jan-17 17:22:20

He says I've made the whole thing about me

Oh, the irony. He's made your success 100% about how awful it makes him feel.

Squirmy65ghyg Wed 25-Jan-17 17:23:42

He is so horrible. He's being a twat and blaming you.

Iloveswears Wed 25-Jan-17 17:24:37

Sorry, this is not healthy. My dh would never behave like this towards me even if he was 'jealous'.
FWIW I don't actually think he's jealous, he's resentful and immature and I don't think he likes you very much. He needs to grow the fuck up

gamerchick Wed 25-Jan-17 17:25:03

You know when I achieve something? My husband busts with pride, tells everyone because I wont and generally is over the moon. I'm sure that's what you do with your husband? So it should be.

Ask him if the situation were reversed how he would expect you to react to his success and ask him why he cant do the same. He sounds like fucking hard work.

Huge well done on your achievement, now please grab a few pals and mark it and leave him to stew. angry

Purplepicnic Wed 25-Jan-17 17:27:10

What is the rest of the relationship like? Have you got kids?

If there aren't any underlying issues, such as depression to explain this, then I think you should consider your future with him. Will you never be able to enjoy anything you achieve without worrying how he will react? And what's this about not allowing you to have a different opinion to him? You need to do some hard thinking.

LiveLifeWithPassion Wed 25-Jan-17 17:27:36

I was going to say what Magatherium has said. He's made sure you can't enjoy your success by making sure you know how miserable it's made him.
It's really selfish of him.

AllTheLight Wed 25-Jan-17 17:31:31

Made it all about you? It is all about you! The question is, why is he trying to make it all about him?

He needs to realise that being jealous happens to all of us sometimes, and what grown ups do is try and get over it while celebrating their wife's achievement. Not behave like a twat and think that's ok just because he's admitted that he's jealous.

AnotherEmma Wed 25-Jan-17 17:31:39

Your husband sounds emotionally abusive.
Read the signs of emotional abuse - how many things on the list does he do? (I've identified a few from your post.)

I don't think he sounds depressed. It really bothers me when people try and use depression as a reason/excuse for abusive behaviour. They are very different things.

TheVeryThing Wed 25-Jan-17 17:31:40

He's being a complete arse about this and i would have no sympathy for someone so self-indulgent.
I have a reasonably decent career (although far from being a high flier), but my husband's has take a real nose-dive during the recession.
I got a promotion a couple of years ago and he was so thrilled for me. We were able to acknowledge that my (very modest) success sort of threw his difficulties into sharp relief but that did not impact on our celebrations in any way.
The bottom line is that you are supposed to be a team, celebrating one another's successes and supporting each other through the difficult times.
It sounds like your husband cannot grasp this and I would find it hard to respect someone so begrudging and selfish.

AnotherEmma Wed 25-Jan-17 17:34:26

Congratulations on your career achievement by the way! I hope you have other people, close family or friends maybe, who are happy for you and proud of you? It's horrible to think that you don't feel you can celebrate or be excited because your husband is being such a twat about it sad

user1485363114 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:34:57

Thank you for making me feel less like I'm going absolutely mad with a few short simple words. And thanks for the congrats, that feels so FLIPPIN' nice to be able to say "yeah, I worked hard and did something great"!!!

I do actually think he might be depressed. I don't know how to bring that up and say he should get help because it causes a 3-day long atmosphere and whatever I say is wrong. We don't have kids so that's something. We work in very different fields.

He's been supporting me for a while financially but I've been working my butt off to get this break - so him being the only money-maker is coming to an end now... I wonder if that's made him feel more resentful that he was "in charge" of everything and now I've absolutely soared, in a very short space of time? I just don't know sad

Thank you for being an impartial group to help me verbalise and understand my situation a little better. I really appreciate it.

AnotherEmma Wed 25-Jan-17 17:36:22

"He says I've made the whole thing about me"

Well it is about you. It's your promotion (or achievement, or whatever). He's trying to make the whole thing about him!

I expect he always has to be the centre of attention and the person who's in control and in the right.

HelsBels5000 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:37:37

The 3-day long atmosphere also sounds like depression. He needs some help - or you need to speak to him about this and then bugger off for 3 days and leave him to his sulk.

DameDeDoubtance Wed 25-Jan-17 17:38:27

Do you have kids with him?

Seriously, why, just why are you in a relationship with a nasty, stroppy man child.

You have something to celebrate but you have to squash yourself down and focus on him? Fuck that.

Also throwing things around is abusive, it's to keep you in your place.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Wed 25-Jan-17 17:40:41

He says I've made the whole thing about me

Oh, the irony. He's made your success 100% about how awful it makes him feel.

Read the op and this was my first thought. He's a like a petulant child, stamping his foot because another kids getting all the attention- and it's just not fair.

He's ridiculous, you've had some great news career wise and as a couple that will only benefit you both. He should be bursting with pride and happy for you. It's almost like he sees himself as better/more important than you, which is why he feels he "deserves" your achievement more than you do (if that makes sense). And I'd be tempted to point out that your career in no way affects his, so even if you weren't working at all he'd still be where he is, so maybe he should put his efforts into his career rather than sulking and being nasty to his wife.

Congratulations anyway flowers.

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