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To not meet halfway?

(49 Posts)
R2G Wed 25-Jan-17 01:39:41

Ex and his family keep insisting I am. He's moved 5 hour drive away with no consultation. He rarely comes to see his DC - once every few months - and never books a days holiday to add an extra day in school holidays. He pays a minimum amount via CSA, and has claimed a reduction for travel reflected in that. I do everything and cover all holidays, parties, uniform, parents eve... Everything you can think of and work full time.
They are all saying I should be meeting him halfway to help him see DC. I'm saying no - every few months when I do get a break I don't want to spend 4 hours of each of the days driving up and back down to facilitate his visit.
AIBU? They are saying I'm wrong/selfish.

R2G Wed 25-Jan-17 01:46:03

By the way he has family to stay with where we live. it is stressing me as he is doing nothing for DC but they all seem to think i should be more responsible for that

R2G Wed 25-Jan-17 01:59:12


RonaldMcDonald Wed 25-Jan-17 02:07:47

I think it is difficult
Possibly the easiest thing is driving half way to help the children see their dad
Imagine if he had the lion share of custody, you'd probably want him to support you in seeing the kids as much as he could

When it comes to kids and parental visitation I go out of my way to help my ex and he does the same for me

VimFuego101 Wed 25-Jan-17 02:17:19

The person who moves should bear the additional travel.

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman Wed 25-Jan-17 02:37:01

I'm in a similar situation (apart from him having somewhere to stay locally) and we always meet half way. I do it because, although he's a total arsewipe, it's important that DD sees that I'm supporting her relationship with her dad. If I refused she would barely see him and that's not fair on her.

echt Wed 25-Jan-17 02:54:53

Just say to the interferers:

He chose to move away
He has family he can stay with.

Rinse and repeat.

Don't get into arguments about money/frequency of his visits/ you being selfish/wrong.

Babasaclover Wed 25-Jan-17 02:58:47

The fact hat he's paying you less csa to allow for his travel - then trying to make you do half the travel is outrageous!!!! Bloody cheek of him!

If you do make the trip halfway, bill him for your petrol!

user1477282676 Wed 25-Jan-17 03:41:01

YANBU he sounds like an arse. A good Father would move the earth to secure regular access to their DC. Not move away and then whinge about the journey!

Camelsinthegobi Wed 25-Jan-17 04:42:56

YANBU. Ignore ignore ignore.

Lesley1980 Wed 25-Jan-17 04:46:24

I was going to say you should meet him halfway until I read he had reduced his payments for his travel.

RaeSkywalker Wed 25-Jan-17 04:57:59

What •Lesley* said.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 25-Jan-17 05:21:29

So he's reduced payments to pay for his travel. And then wants you to pay for it too. Arse.

Would you do it if he paid you double the amount he took away? Because I think that should be a minimum. Going back to the original payment would be recognising that he isn't actually travelling more than you and the additional payment would be compensating you for your travel, which you wouldn't have needed to pay had he not moved to the other side of the country.

JanuaryMoods Wed 25-Jan-17 05:43:44

The fact hat he's paying you less csa to allow for his travel - then trying to make you do half the travel is outrageous!!!! Bloody cheek of him!

This with bells on. And insist he pays you what you were awarded. His problem.

ToastieRoastie Wed 25-Jan-17 05:51:09

This would make me burn with resentment. You are being perfectly reasonable not to travel. 5 hours is a long way for him to have moved away and he could stay with family locally.

Are his family saying anything to you directly? If so, suggest they make the trips to facilitate their grandchildren / neices / nephews seeing their dad.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 25-Jan-17 06:21:38

He's taking the piss.

Chloe84 Wed 25-Jan-17 06:21:43

The fact hat he's paying you less csa to allow for his travel - then trying to make you do half the travel is outrageous!!!! Bloody cheek of him!

I agree with this too. If he can only be bothered to see his kids every few months then I don't see why you should have to facilitate his visits beyond what is reasonable.

Is he willing to pay your petrol costs? I'm guessing not. shock

WhereTheFuckIsWonderWoman Wed 25-Jan-17 06:48:06

Sorry, missed the bit about the reduction in csa for travel blush

CripsSandwiches Wed 25-Jan-17 07:04:54

YANBU. Unfortunately it does seem like many people see mothers like this after a split. You should be responsible for everything - particularly the boring stuff (food, rent, clothes, school etc.) and if he deigns to offer a tiny contribution towards raising the kids ( a day out, small maintenance payment) you should be bending over backwards to be grateful.

Creampastry Wed 25-Jan-17 07:11:36

Stand your ground. Yanbu

SheldonCRules Wed 25-Jan-17 07:17:16

YANBU, whichever party moves away does the travelling as it was their decision.

R2G Wed 25-Jan-17 08:05:35

RonaldMcDonald - if I thought he was trying to see DC as much as he could I may be more inclined to help occasionally. That isn't the case though - he has to be nagged to come every few months, and this time - for example- even though he's coming the weekend of half term, he won't even tag a days annual leave on to it. 'Why should I help you (Coz childcare when working is my full responsibility) when you won't help me?' He's also telling DC that he would see him more but he can't afford it and I won't help (he could ask his family to help, he has been to America and Europe twice in the last two years).

AuntiePenguin Wed 25-Jan-17 08:09:22

If it went to court, they would definitely say that as he moved away the additional travel is his responsibility. That's totally normal.

Try not to get sucked into arguments about it (easier said than done!). Every time just respond, he reduced his CSA payments because of the cost of travel, so obviously he can't also expect me to pay for the travel.

JanuaryMoods Wed 25-Jan-17 08:11:46

Don't let him bad mouth you to the DCs. Tell them he can afford it but chooses to have holidays instead.

expatinscotland Wed 25-Jan-17 08:18:47


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