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Sick child, who takes the day off work

(38 Posts)
BackAwayFatty Tue 24-Jan-17 18:49:10

Tell me if IABU please before I reply to my ex.

DD7 has a very bad case of tonsillitis with a nasty infection on one side. I've been off work Mon & Tues to care for her (unpaid). Tomorrow she would be due to go to her Dad's after school. She will most likely be off school tomorrow. Ex wants to see DD7 at normal hours I.e. 3pm. I'm expected to take the day off work (10 hour day unpaid in addition to the previous 2 days) while ex goes to work for 5 hours & still sees DD7 after. AIBU for expecting ex to take the day off to care for DD7? Or not sending her to her Dad's - feel that if she's too ill to go to school then she should be in bed? They go to his Mum's on a Wed for dinner so she won't be in bed at his.

Back story incase relevant

single parent, separated since pregnancy. Ex had no contact with DD7 from 3-5 years. Used a contact centre until last year.

Over the last 6 months we've increased to every 2nd Sat for the whole day & a Wed after school until 7pm. Last 2 weeks he's had DD7 on a Tues after school until 5pm for me to go to work.

Ex works part time, I work full time.

BarbarianMum Tue 24-Jan-17 19:00:14

I think he either cares for her for the day (if he's capable and you'd be happy for him to do this) or he'll have to wait til Sat and see if she's well enough for normal contact.

Allthewaves Tue 24-Jan-17 20:13:09

Ideal world he looks dd for the day, coming to yours so she can stay in bed BUT woth back story he sounds unlikely to do this. If he's not forth coming could his mum help

CripsSandwiches Tue 24-Jan-17 20:15:43

YANBU. You can drop her at his at the time she'd normally be dropped at school.

BackAwayFatty Wed 25-Jan-17 00:13:55

Thanks guys for replying.

I wondered if I was being unreasonable. Stressing about unpaid time off work & been going a little crazy 😞

I've messaged asking if he can make care arrangements for DD7 with it being his day & no reply at all.

SansComic Wed 25-Jan-17 06:38:13

If you would usually be responsible for your child until 3pm then why does her being sick change that?

Or not sending her to her Dad's - feel that if she's too ill to go to school then she should be in bed?

That clearly isn't what you want. That's a threat you're using to try to force him to take the day off work and adjust the schedule because it's what works best for you.

Sirzy Wed 25-Jan-17 06:45:23

What time would she go there during school holidays? Would it be the full day or just 3-7?

Ideally he would take a day off to help, although from what you have said I wouldn't be sure that is actually the best thing for your daughter

megletthesecond Wed 25-Jan-17 06:46:42

He should do his share and take the day off. If he has to take weds and Thursday off then so be it.

Just because you don't live with her dad doesn't mean he can wash his hands of taking time off work when she's sick.

Blinkyblink Wed 25-Jan-17 06:50:27

Ideally he would take the day off.
But certainly he is right to say that it's not the arrangement that has been agreed and that if she is well enough, he will see her at 3pm.

So you have asked, but if he declines, you can think "knob", but I'd avoid going off on one because your grounds are weak.

Lilaclily Wed 25-Jan-17 06:53:39

I think with the back story I'd not be sure she'd be better off with him when ill
Has he looked after her when she's I'll in the last 6 months ?

StealthPolarBear Wed 25-Jan-17 06:54:09

" SansComic

If you would usually be responsible for your child until 3pm then why does her being sick change that?"
The child, who has two parents, would usually be at school until 3.

Lilaclily Wed 25-Jan-17 06:54:38

If she has tonsillitis definitely no to dinner at his mums though

Boomerwang Wed 25-Jan-17 06:54:47

Is there no way to claim back unworked hours due to sickness of a child? In Sweden we have something called 'foraldrarpenning' which is repayment of loss of earnings due to a child being sick. You claim this from the national insurance office. I know there's national insurance in the UK but I don't know if it works the same way?

StealthPolarBear Wed 25-Jan-17 06:55:13

There was a similar thread on here not so long ago, with similarly frustrating replies assuming childcare is the woman's job.

Chloe84 Wed 25-Jan-17 06:55:28


OP's child is at school till 3pm. It's the ex's day to look after her.

You don't just get the good with parenting, you take a share of the bad times too. OP is not threatening ex hmm

StealthPolarBear Wed 25-Jan-17 06:56:40

Yes from his point of view he usually only becomes responsible at 3 but from the mothers point of view she stops being responsible at 9. Why is his view more valid than hers?

ChuckSnowballs Wed 25-Jan-17 07:01:59

What happens at Half term, does he have her from 9 or from 3?

heidiwine Wed 25-Jan-17 07:02:20

If your child was sick at school on a Wednesday who would the school call? You or him?
If it's him he should take the day off.
If it's you then you should take the day off.

SansComic Wed 25-Jan-17 07:04:08

@Chloe84 - the part I quoted did seem like a threat. 'Either you have her all day or I'm going to judge her too unwell to come in the evening'.

@Stealthpolarbear - I can't see anyone mentioning that its the woman's job. Fortunately, I don't know the correct term but isn't the reason it's the Op's responsibility because she's the default parent. Their sex has nothing to do with it.

As the OP mentioned a contact centre, I assume that the courts were involved. The OP is responsible until 3 on a Wednesday and every other Saturday.

KellyBoo800 Wed 25-Jan-17 07:07:54

Agree that it depends on what happens during school holidays and when she is in his care then.

We have a rule with DSD's mum that whoever has her in the morning has her for the day, with a handover of around 5pm during school holidays. So in this situation DSD would stay at her mums until one of us finished work. But that's because it's also how it would work during school holidays. If we have her in the morning we are responsible for providing childcare that day - either getting her to school, getting her to a childminder (and paying) or taking time off to be with her.

heidiwine Wed 25-Jan-17 07:08:41

Also just reread your OP. I notice that your ex has no overnight contact. I assume your DD doesn't have a room at her dads or any stuff of her own there.
I'm sorry that she's sick and that the brunt and drudge of caring for her falls on your shoulders but with the limited info I have I would say she's better off at home with her own duvet in an environment that she's comfortable with.
And... I'm not basis any of this on your gender (or his).

KellyBoo800 Wed 25-Jan-17 07:10:07

That being said, if DSD's mum had taken 2 days off from work, unpaid, to look after DSD I do think that either DH or myself would offer to take a day off to go back to work. There's sticking to routines, and then there's actually co-parenting and pulling your weight to help out.

KellyBoo800 Wed 25-Jan-17 07:10:36

*to let her go back to work

starsinyourpies Wed 25-Jan-17 07:23:16

Boomerang if only the UK worked like this!

HeadDreamer Wed 25-Jan-17 07:27:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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