Infertility - so anxious

[user1485282666]

Hi,

First post, no idea how to change user name. I appreciate that this isn't the right board but i know 'AIBU' gets the most traffic and i never get many replies in 'infertility' and cant remember my old log in details.

We've been TTC since September 2014. I've been on Clomid for 10 months (9 cycles in total). Ovulated on 3 of them (i think). No BFP to be seen.

At my last appointment in December i had a scan which confirmed that it was doing what it should be doing so there was no need to scan again on future cycles as i was now on the 'appropriate dose'.

I am on CD27 and i am certain that i am not pregnant again so anticipate that i'll be starting my 10th cycle of clomid in the next few days.

I have a meeting booked in with the fertility specialist in mid April. This appointment has been booked in "in the event that i haven't fallen pregnant by this point". I am receiving treatment on the NHS and i am frantic with worry now (admittedly the worry/stress seems to be worse at this point in the month) about what will happen during this meeting and that i will be told that there is no more that can be done on the NHS. Does anyone have any experience of what my options are likely to be?

I was convinced that it would have happened by now and now i am beyond despondent and feel really quite frantic and on the verge of a panic attack most days. I manage to keep on track mentally because i have to. I dont want to cause my DH and family any more worry and i have a reasonably stressful job which does not allow me to get bogged down too much if that makes sense.

Ultimately, i am really struggling with the 'unknown' and have no idea what the road ahead looks like and am beside myself with panic about the appointment in April.

[user1485282666]

anyone?

[BursarsFrogs]

They will probably go through any fertility related tests that you could have that you and your partner haven't had yet. Eg. semen analysis, checking your fallopian tubes, blood tests, scans etc. They'll also be able to fill you in with what treatment is available in your area. If it turns out you'll need IVF, it will depend on your area how many cycles will be available on the NHS.

[FlipperSkipper]

Has your husbands sperm count been done? Have you had tests done to check your tunes are clear? These should have been done before clomid. Based on my experience the next step would be ivf, if your CCG funds it and you qualify for funding.

Infertility is shit, but not insurmountable. Good luck

[user1485282666]

Thank you! No i haven't had my tubes checked yet so perhaps that will be something they will arrange next. Specialist said that I could have up to 12 'successful' cycles of Clomid, ie cycles on 150mg where i actually ovulate. I think i found it harder this month because it's the first cycle where i haven't been scanned. I find them weirdly reassuring even when the Clomid hasn't done what it should do.

I suppose i just have an enormous fear of getting to the IVF point. The idea that we're then on our own managing when we have IVF.

[Custardandcream]

Infertility is awful, sorry to hear it's getting you down so much.

I can only comment on my own experience, I had 2 cycles of clomid on the NHS both blood tests showed no sign of ovulation so I was revered for IVF (I know that is possibly isn't what you want to hear, it definitely wasn't what I wanted to hear - but it's not as scary as you imagine) but I know there are other hormone treatments your trust might offer you.

I take it you and DH have both had full tests?

[user1485282666]

And yes, Husband's sperm analysis that was carried out prior to starting Clomid was absolutely fine.

[user1485282666]

Thanks Custardandcream. I have definitely had an 'internal' scan to have a look around and the results were normal except for PCOS, which i already knew. Do you mind me asking how long you waited for IVF from referral to actually starting the treatment? And at that point are you absolutely on your own in terms of available assistance? I just cant imagine what it's like at this point. Is it up to you how often you have IVF if you are self-funding?

[Custardandcream]

Cross post, getting to the IVF point is bloody scary but it doesn't sound like you're there yet. I had my tubes checked and lots of other tests along with DH before I was given clomid.

[FlipperSkipper]

I'd really push to get your tubes checked, there's no point in ovulating if the egg can't get anywhere!

If it comes to ivf it's not as scary as it seems (I've done 2full cycles and 3 frozen embryo transfers and am now 35 weeks pregnant. I've also had 2 other pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, so not the most cheering of success stories, but I'm proof that ivf works!)

[user1485282666]

Also had a few blood tests and if i remember correctly, they were to look into several things including prolactin etc. Cant remember what else.

[Borntoflyinfirst]

For us, and I'm going back about 13 years, all the other tests on myself and DH were done before I was offered clomid. After cloud I had ovarian diathermy which in theory made my ovaries work without the clomid. It sort of worked but I was then given a few more cycles of clomid whilst being put on the IUI waiting list. I went on holiday certain I would have to wait until next treatment and came back pregnant. I've since had two more babies naturally. I just wanted to say hang in there. With luck you'll get there eventually. Please make sure you write down any questions you have and take them with you to your appointment. Ask them what is next, timescales and what happens after that. Good luck

[Babyroobs]

As others have said, I imagine they will perhaps do a laparoscopy and squirt dye through your fallopian tubes just to check all is well there. I had this done after struggling to conceive my first baby, and got pregnant the following month despite the test showing severe problems with my tubes. Just toad I did not have clomid though.

[Custardandcream]

It did take a while, think I was referred in Dec last year and would have been able to start around Jul/August on NHS (we decided to go private). My NHS trust provides 2 cycles, you should be able to check what you will get in your area online, word of warning if you self fund you can't then take up the NHS cycles.

[user1485282666]

Thank you.

Congratulations FlipperSkipper, that is great to hear. Hope everything goes well for you!

I struggle to find examples on the internet of people who have had as many cycles of Clomid as i have and can't help but feel as though i'm flogging a dead horse and worry that there is something else preventing me from actually becoming pregnant.

When my period no doubt starts in a couple of days i will need to notify the Specialist and i will enquire then about checking my tubes sooner rather than later.

I feel like i am not being proactive enough. I dont feel myself, i am usually a very happy go lucky person and dont get stressed particularly easily. Now i feel like a wreck and absolutely insane and ashamed to admit that i even buy baby clothes sometimes. Just wish someone could tell me when or if i will have a baby and then i can cope with it all.

[user1485282666]

Thanks for subsequent posts, really useful advice. I did wonder about that Custard. We can technically self fund but if we can make use of an NHS round it makes sense to do that. That sounds terrible, i know. Whilst you are waiting for the IVF to start, do they bother with Clomid just in case?

[PurpleDaisies]

I feel like i am not being proactive enough. I dont feel myself, i am usually a very happy go lucky person and dont get stressed particularly easily. Now i feel like a wreck and absolutely insane and ashamed to admit that i even buy baby clothes sometimes. Just wish someone could tell me when or if i will have a baby and then i can cope with it all.

It's a horrible position to be in-it's like being stuck in limbo not being able to make peace with not having a child or happier in the knowledge that it will happen eventually, even if it's rough now.

Sometimes there isn't anything to do but trust the doctors. I hope things work out for you.

[Chrisinthemorning]

I'm shocked they would give you 10 rounds of clomid without doing a dye test of some sort- HSG/ lap and dye. Not surprised given it's NHS, but shocked.
Do you get funded ivf in your area?

[user1485282666]

Thank you, Purple.

Chrisinthemorning, these are my thoughts. Seems a lot. When i asked about this, my Specialist said that the 'unsuccessful' rounds didn't count as i hadn't responded to them so technically im only about to start my 4th cycle. I wonder if they have freedom to prescribe as they choose or if they have to follow a programme. I know that my area allows for 1 funded IVF cycle.

[Pandaponda]

OP have you had a scan for ovarian cysts recently? I had PCOS, was on Clomid and had no joy until cyst was removed. Good advice from pps on lap and dye too. I did get pregnant with clomid after several cycles but had miscarriage. Subsequent pregnancies were natural so not sure it is be all. The stress of not knowing when it will happen is huge. Hope you have supportive consultant /OH and try and make lots of stress free time for yourself. Sending and good wishes.

[icy121]

OP - I have pcos, did 8 months of clomid, and then had a laparoscopy with ovarian drilling in July 2015. They found a load of endo too which they cleared up. Anyway, that didn't work and I had IVF last year. I think around May/June. Because of the pcos I developed ovarian hyperstimulation and they took 25 eggs. We froze 7 viable embryos and had a month off to let body calm down. I had a frozen transfer last September which by some miracle seemed to work, so halfway through pregnancy now.

How old are you? I'm 29. That can be a factor. Ivf is terrifying before you start, but once you get onto the treadmill you can start to get your head round it and break it down into chunks... it's not the worst thing to have to 'do' - the bit that makes it impossible IME is the constant bone crushing fear, and then the sadness if it doesn't work out is an absolute bastard killer. All ivf clinics offer counselling for free as its such such a headfuck.

The barren boards ARE very quiet at the moment, they tend to go in waves. I still lurk on mind numbing boredom, I've seen one about a rant which might be apt. There is BESH too - v similar ethos to mind numbers. The boards are SO supportive when they're in full swing... get posting. Traffic breeds traffic! Good luck x

[WineIsMyMainVice]

Reading your post took me back a few years. This could have been me writing this - I do empathise. Taking chlomid is horrible. It's such a fierce drug. So just remember that what your body and mind are going through is hard. Try to be kind to yourself.
Have you been offered any counselling at the clinic? I had some through the NHS and it was really helpful.
The NHS will make you jump through an awful lot of hoops before getting to the point of ivf as its so expensive. So at the appointment in April I would ask them exactly what the plan is so that you are prepared. All of it takes time as I'm sure you are aware. You should probably try to find out how many ivfs you can get where you live on the NHS.
Personally we had to go through about 10 cycles of chlomid, then 3 X IUI's and then we had Ivf. Our first two ivfs were not successful but our third gave us DD, our miracle baby!
I know this is such a hard time for your but please don't give up hope. Try and stay positive and don't panic about the appointment in April. Hopefully it will give you some clarity.
Good luck.

[Pandaponda]

It's worth investing in a really good book on fertility too that goes through all the tests / what to expect/what questions to ask/ alternative therapies that can complement medical treatment. Good Luck!

[user1485282666]

Thank you Pandaponda. I haven't no, unless the follicle tracking scan would also pick up on cysts? In which case, my last one was in December and she didn't mention it.

Yes specialist is very good, v responsive to email (i only tend to contact her to inform her of a period etc though). Husband is wonderful, and i sometimes have to remind myself that this affects him too.

[Tootsiepops]

If you are in England, this is a v useful website

//www.fertilityfairness.co.uk

You can see ivf criteria by area, and how many cycles you can have, plus your clinic options. You can look up the clinics to see what their waiting lists are like, and cross reference with hfea data to see what their success rates are.

Contact your CCG. Some areas allow you to have private treatment whilst on the waiting list for NHS treatment, in other areas, it disqualifies you from any nhs treatment. Worth knowing. I had my tubes tested privately (cost about £500 with an immediate appt) because the NHS were dragging their feet over my referral, and the waiting times were abysmal.

Join the fertility friends website. Endless support.

Please don't worry about ivf. I found it to be quite a positive experience. It felt good to be doing something other than trying, waiting, crying every month for years on end.

[nokidshere]

I went through 15 yrs of ttc, including chlomid for 6 cycles and one ivf. Nothing worked at all but 2 years after we stopped trying I fell pregnant and again a year later. It was over 20 years ago so can't remember everything we went through.

I just wanted to say that in all the years we were trying we never felt like we were doing it alone, the ACC were fantastic with their support, as was my gp - hopefully yours will be too if you have to go down that route.

Good luck try not to get too anxious